Why Not 3?

Today at 11:18am I have already had some accomplishments. I have taken the garbage and recycling out and walked both dogs separately to the mailbox! Yep doesn’t sound like much but for someone whose house needs a full cleaning it’s a head start and it’s something I can do. I plan to also do the two loads of laundry I have had sitting in the laundry room since my mom’s visit. (That’s what happens when you own too many clothes).

I decided I would also post on my blog. So here I am! Hi 🙂

My depression must be improving without me knowing it though because the wellbutrin seems to be doing some motivating. The increase of the rexulti seems to be helping too. Though I admit the last two days I napped in the afternoon just to pass time, I was so lonely. I don’t know how to interact with people anymore. I used to play WoW and be in a guild and talk with a lot of people. I need to start doing that again just to be a part of something and to interact with people again.

I’ll figure it out I guess.

I miss my sister in law. She is dating a really nice person right now and I haven’t had a chance to see her very much. Hopefully as they get more serious that will change though and there will be a little wiggle room for me.  We’ll see.

 

I Need A Vacation

I need to get out of here. I don’t need to leave for more than a few days but I need a change.

Today’s accomplishments were cleaning up the floors, and doing a couple of loads of laundry and actually putting it away.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some more and finally get caught up. I’m still finding it hard to get motivated. I feel like a Emo kid. Sigh I don’t want to do anything but maybe if I start something, than I’m all like what the fuck did I get myself into and that’s how I get anything done at all. Which I really haven’t much, which is why I haven’t posted.

Only reason I am posting today is I’m stoned and accidentally went to my blog page.  Then I had to write. I mean I do want to write more don’t get me wrong, again it’s that lack of motivation thing happening. I wish I could force myself to sleep just whenever and than I would have a way to pass time.

Even looking for a way to finish this is exhausting.

 

So How Are Things Going So Far

I’m doing better in the sense that I am starting to clean the house a bit and showered today.

Went to the shrinks and she added  150 mg of Wellbutrin for motivation and increased my dosage of Rexulti to 3 mg. Hopefully it will make a difference. I mean I can already see that it is making a difference again because I am feeling things, good, bad, happy, sad the full gambit, though I haven’t really gotten angry at anyone just frustrated. So that’s something, though I would like to feel more of the positive side of the emotions though honestly. Tired of being sad all the time you know? Putting on a happy face so the people around you can’t tell just how shitty you are feeling.

The good thing is it looks I might be frozen in my house for the next couple of days with hubby, so at least this week I will have less time alone.

I’m starting to play Rift again, though I am slightly lost on where to start and how to use my shit, I’ll figure it out though.

 

Well It’s a New Year

I didn’t make any real resolutions, I merely have decided to try and be better than I was last year. Which of course means holding myself accountable at times which I freaking hate.

I’m only posting because my blog link was sitting there taunting me.

The weed makes me incredibly unmotivated. Even as I write this sighs of frustration leave me at just having to put word to paper so to speak.  That sentence sucks. Oh well it’s gonna keep sucking because I don’t feel like putting a lot of motivation into this… my fingers feel like they are crawling across the keys at the pace of a snail, annoying.

I know that when I write I feel a little better at least when it is finally done. I don’t get a lot of good feelings but accomplishing something always gives me a little burst. This blog will be all I do today. I don’t want to do anything else. meh

I Got The Blues

It’s just one of those days where I’m moody and kind of have the blues. I don’t know why. I finally have my husband  to myself after the father in law visit. Which ended weird in a good way. He told me he loved me. It was nice to hear just something I never expected to you know. Sure it’s a shitty paragraph but I don’t feel like splitting it up into bigger sentences.

The visit went well, I survived Christmas Eve and Christmas without anything bad happening. I think I also mentioned I did it stone cold sober and weedless. I’m actually kind of proud of myself for that.

Death is scaring me again. It just keeps popping in my head that we’re all gonna die and there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it. It’s overwhelming honestly.

Today I have had two panic attacks so far. These are the panic attacks I am used to where I can’t seem to catch my breath and I have to concentrate so I don’t hyperventilate.

I’m feeling lonely even though hubby is right here and we’ve been hanging out today. We watched an entire anime together. I don’t know why I feel that way I just do.

Did I mention I got stoned to try and feel better and it’s not even helping this time. True blechness.

What a Horrible Year

We’ve lost Carrie Fisher. An advocate for mental health and a remarkable woman.  I cried. I’m not a Star Wars fan but we have so few people who stand up for mental health awareness, losing one tore me up. We lost Prince and George Michael. I shouldn’t see people I listened to as a teen dying, it’s just horrific and scary.

On a positive note I went out today. I went to Sam’s and Hobby Lobby and was supposed to go to my shrinks but she was sick and had to cancel.  I made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas without drinking or smoking weed.  I Did It! Man I’m glad that part is over though.

My father in law is still here. He leaves on the 30th. Tomorrow my mother in law comes over and Thursday, the whole damn family will be here for my sister’s in law birthday. I love her and would do anything for her. It’s a lot of stimulation though. Too much by the time things wind down.

I’m ready for this year to be over… Course the next four years are likely to be a nightmare too but for a completely different reason..

sigh

 

Family

At this time of year especially I miss my family. I haven’t seen most of them for close to 16 years. My anxiety has kept me from taking the steps it takes so I can go back to Canada. I have invited them all to come here though. Some even on my dime. Yet I’ve only seen my mom and two youngest sisters.

My in laws are great. I get along well with them but except for my sister in law it just doesn’t feel the same you know?

Going to my nephews birthday celebration tonight, going to surprise them by showing up. I was invited but I usually don’t make it to this sort of thing.  Leaving in 45 mins. I’m a little nervous but I think I’m good.

Holidays and such I tells ya.

Ohh my accomplishments today are getting dressed, brushing my hair, mopping and doing some other small cleaning things and hopefully going out 🙂

 

Accomplishments

Today I got all my Christmas wrapping done.  Which means I also got all my Christmas shopping done.. Thank you Amazon!

I didn’t accomplish much else but one thing a day right.

Yesterday I went out to the grocery store and tomorrow I am going to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. The holiday season has begun!

Anxiety be damned…

 

Don’t You Hate It

I almost dread the good days because I know they don’t last very long.

Yesterday I was in a good mood, I actually got some shit done around the house. I cleaned laundry, picked up some around the house and then spent the day watching Glimore girls and the occasional Boss Ross video.

Today I woke up and feel overwhelmed.  I know I have things I need to get done for Christmas and for my father in law’s visit. He will be here in 5 days!

The house isn’t in that bad of shape I suppose. Mostly it’s little things. However it is the little things that make my brain overload and want to shut down.

At least I wrote my blog today.

 

Just Gabbin

I woke up first thing this morning (well 11:00am) and went straight to the phone to order my xanax as my prescription only has about 8 days left and I don’t want to be without for even a minute. I’ve noticed that one of the few things I actually manage to keep track of despite having alarms.

As you know I set an alarm to write each day, sometimes I don’t follow through. I could even be sitting right here at the computer and not do it. I don’t know why. Motivation is very hard.

Yesterday I emptied the sink into the dishwasher it was crammed packed with dishes and I thought maybe it would be good if the sink looked nice. So I did something yesterday as far as an accomplishments. Just a little one a day might lead to bigger and better things.

It’s 11:16am and I’ve already done my blog.. Today is a good day.