Author: abipolarsreality

I am a bipolar of 34ish years, diagnosed only 10ish year ago. I am still struggling with it and have not come to some kind of level ground. I am hoping this blogging helps. I love to write, it is something I enjoyed for many years and I hope to renew my love for it here as well.

Holiday Blues

Does anyone else get the holiday blues? Every year no matter how good life is going I get sad. Not depressed. SAD!

I miss my family a lot as I haven’t seen most of them for close to 20 years and they never talk to me unless I start the conversations, calls or text. This year I won’t even be spending any time with my in-laws who I really love. So maybe that is what’s bringing me down.

What makes you sad around the holidays if you do get the same way.

Insomnia

I don’t ever sleep the full night through. I’ve been having a lot of nightmares about the past. You think you are over something and yet there it is poking it’s heads out. I’m in this vicious sleep cycle. Bed at 1am, wake up between 2:00 and 5:00 am. Go back to bed at 8:00 am and then sleep until 11:30am or noon. Don’t get me wrong I love sleep because usually I have full control of my dreams but lately it has just been terrible.

My mood has been pretty good. However I am pretty lonely. Hubby works from home but he works really hard and is on the phone most of the day so we can’t hang. I was having painting nights with my sis-in-law but then my niece got covid. So we of course have been avoiding each other. The rest of my family is in Canada so there’s no visiting there. I haven’t seen anyone but my mom and half sisters since I moved down here and that was almost 3 years ago now.

Having social anxiety doesn’t help much. I avoid most people like the plague. I want to get to know my neighbors better because everyone is so nice here. Yet I keep holing back because they are all very outgoing. We put a patio and firepit in the backyard so we could invite them over, then winter hit. We’ll try again next summer I suppose.

Anyhow that’s all for tonight. Hopefully I’ll get back into the practice of writing every day.

Thanksgiving

Usually Thanksgiving is a super stressful day. Going out in the car to go to my mother in laws place and be surrounded by family. With covid I had a nice quiet thanksgiving and cooked the whole meal myself. I enjoyed it and there was no stress. Usually hubby and I just order our meals out so it was fun to cook with him. It made me realize we need to do it more often.

I hope that everyone enjoyed there Thanksgiving without to much stress.

Figuring the new WordPress out

I am trying to figure out how to post, it’s kind of weird and confusing right now. Nothing like wanting to write and not being able to. 

If I get this figuring out I’ll definitely post more often. 

I’m back

I had a very very long depressive episode. Yes it lasted years. I went through many different meds and honestly thought that I would never be able to do anything again.

I’m now on some new meds which I will list for you at a post sometime in the future, but I am happy. Still housebound which I guess since I am in a pandemic is okay.

It’s weird being happy. I honestly don’t know what to do with it. I do have bad days and weeks still but they are no where near the levels they were before.

I am also having a lot of problems with sleep which I will also discuss in another post.

It’s nice to be back!

Day 9

today has gone pretty good. No head aches. I have some body aches but I think it is from sitting cross-legged all the time. My hubby is watching the puppy while I write my blog post.

Nothing exciting has happened. The puppy is doing good. The withdrawal is going good and life is good.

I find it harder to write when I am happy.

 

Day 8

My mood has been good except for sleeping in really late again. I almost forgot to write my blog tonight it was the complete last thing on my minds then poof it popped in.

The puppies good.

The withdrawal so far has been easy.

 

Day 7

Well last night about 4am I woke up with almost a migraine headache. Then my nose was running this morning. I think I am getting a head cold. No chills or fevers so not worried about the flu. I can deal with a head cold and if the head ache is because of the withdrawal I can deal with that too. I do have some body aches but they are slight.

My mood today was good but I was super tired I slept until 1:30pm then went back to have a nap at 4:00pm I was just so tired. I still feel tired. Course getting woken up before 8 in the morning every day is super new for me and is going to take some adjusting.  Honestly so far I am not seeing a difference without the rexulti. That may prove to be different, we’ll see.

I was told Havanese were really barky. It’s damn true. She barks and barks and barks, and right now it’s this high pitched thing which sometimes sounds like someone is testing the fire alarm. I knew what I was getting into. Right now because I am not downstairs she is barking for me to come back. I’m secretly happy as that means she is attached to me and I really wanted one of the dogs to be like that. I could do without the barking though.

Not much else to say other than I won’t be writing my blog stoned again, or at least not as stoned as I was because it really took me forever to write a damn blog post.

Til Tomorrow.

 

Day 6

Today my mood was pretty good. Nothing got me down. My husband even had to work late and I was totally chill about it.

Today the puppy was awesome and would told to go potty, she runs to the peepads and goes, like on command. It’s nice because I know she won’t (hopefully) pee on the comforter again.

Sorry I’m too stoned to write, it’s taken me forever to write this. This was not my intention, I thought that Iwould be able to write better but clearly not, eep. \_O_/

The Rexulti withdrawal was fine today on the first day of going down to 1mgs.

Day 5

Today is the last day I will be taking the 2mg of Rexulti, tomorrow I start on the 1mg. I’ve had that almost headache feeling still but no more anxiety than normal. Nothing I can’t handle honestly. I mean I don’t really get all that anxious anymore unless I have to leave the house. Which is something I need to work on, but like I said the whole flu thing is keeping me inside and away from people for now. I really don’t want it.

In a few days I will have weed in the house again, I’m looking forward to that nice mellow buzz and am hoping it won’t change the way my antidepressants are working.  I don’t have a choice of what kind to get as pickings are slim.  I’m going to try and not be stoned every single day though. I think that will make a huge difference. I need to be alert to look after the puppy.

Speaking of the puppy, have I mentioned how thrilled I am that she is pad trained already. It’s been too cold outside for a little 3 pound pup.  She has left some bruises on me with her teething though, thankfully she is getting less nippy.

Well that’s it for today, back to Criminal Minds.