Author: abipolarsreality

I am a bipolar of 34ish years, diagnosed only 10ish year ago. I am still struggling with it and have not come to some kind of level ground. I am hoping this blogging helps. I love to write, it is something I enjoyed for many years and I hope to renew my love for it here as well.

Getting Older

I’m 53 years of age. I know that I should be an adult but I just don’t feel like I am one.

Almost every night I wake up and can’t go back to sleep for 3 hours or more. This makes me dull all through the next day. I can’t really focus on things like I used too.

I just figured out how to save my ass and pay for these cards I just bought without pissing off hubby.

I think that I am a little manic as I am making decisions rabidly. That’s never good.

Another Day At Another Time

Right now, things are going pretty well. I’m still kind of really having problems writing my blog.

I’ve started doing exposure therapy to solve this damn agoraphobia. It’s not going to bad. I am most anxious when I am in the car. Nebraska drivers suck.

I’m really tired of not sleeping through the night. It happens about 5 days a week. I used to come upstairs in my recliner and pass out, but the chair broke so I have to buy a new one. We did buy a weighted blanket that promptly dropped 100’s of tiny beads all over the bed. I did sleep through the night though, so we are getting a new one.

Well, I’m going to go now. I’ll write again soon.

Starting To Write Again

If you’ve read my blog, you know it’s been quite a while since I’ve last written anything.

Last night me and the hubby were having a conversation about it, and he said to me, just do it. We went back and forth, and I really didn’t have a reason for not doing it.

I’ve felt frozen trying to do anything. Even right now as I write this, I’m having to really push it out.

My meds are working pretty well. The depression is not sticking around as long as it usually does. It’s only happening 4-7 days as compared to the usual months. My mania is coming around a little more often and I need to watch out for my usual behaviors.

Anyhow I’m going now. I hope I’ll be back tomorrow.

A Little Bit Manic and a Whole Lot Happy.

The negative to being manic is I am getting very little sleep. The good thing is, is that I am happy. So happy, it’s weird. I keep finding myself staring at hubby when he’s not looking and grinning my ass off.

Another good thing is I’m feeling feelings. I’m not super numb like with the depression. Man I hate the depression.. No point in worrying about it till it gets here though.

A Little bit Manic

I’m a little manic. Not in the crazy way but in I want to do something but can’t focus on one thing. So I’m blogging for starters.

Yesterday I painted a couple paintings. Eventually I’ll upload them so you can see what I do.

Several weeks ago someone asked me to appear on their podcast and I’m still thinking about it. I’m so flattered. The last podcast I did was when I was still doing phonesex for a job. So it would be nice to do it for something else.

I really do want to start posting on my blog more frequently but for some reason I’ve had severe writers block. I’m thinking that since I have gone off the wellbutrin things will be better. You know writing, sex, painting… All good things. Wish me luck!


I’ve been painting a lot lately. It makes me feel good for the most part. I do judge myself probably harsher than other people would for sure though.

I just went off wellbutrin cold turkey and the headaches are terrible. I didn’t really have a choice in the beginning as my shrink didn’t fill out my pills for 5 days. Emotionally I am not feeling so blocked though which is nice. I am also more sexually aroused than I have been in like a year. So the good outweighs the bad.

Holiday Blues

Does anyone else get the holiday blues? Every year no matter how good life is going I get sad. Not depressed. SAD!

I miss my family a lot as I haven’t seen most of them for close to 20 years and they never talk to me unless I start the conversations, calls or text. This year I won’t even be spending any time with my in-laws who I really love. So maybe that is what’s bringing me down.

What makes you sad around the holidays if you do get the same way.


I don’t ever sleep the full night through. I’ve been having a lot of nightmares about the past. You think you are over something and yet there it is poking it’s heads out. I’m in this vicious sleep cycle. Bed at 1am, wake up between 2:00 and 5:00 am. Go back to bed at 8:00 am and then sleep until 11:30am or noon. Don’t get me wrong I love sleep because usually I have full control of my dreams but lately it has just been terrible.

My mood has been pretty good. However I am pretty lonely. Hubby works from home but he works really hard and is on the phone most of the day so we can’t hang. I was having painting nights with my sis-in-law but then my niece got covid. So we of course have been avoiding each other. The rest of my family is in Canada so there’s no visiting there. I haven’t seen anyone but my mom and half sisters since I moved down here and that was almost 3 years ago now.

Having social anxiety doesn’t help much. I avoid most people like the plague. I want to get to know my neighbors better because everyone is so nice here. Yet I keep holing back because they are all very outgoing. We put a patio and firepit in the backyard so we could invite them over, then winter hit. We’ll try again next summer I suppose.

Anyhow that’s all for tonight. Hopefully I’ll get back into the practice of writing every day.


Usually Thanksgiving is a super stressful day. Going out in the car to go to my mother in laws place and be surrounded by family. With covid I had a nice quiet thanksgiving and cooked the whole meal myself. I enjoyed it and there was no stress. Usually hubby and I just order our meals out so it was fun to cook with him. It made me realize we need to do it more often.

I hope that everyone enjoyed there Thanksgiving without to much stress.

Figuring the new WordPress out

I am trying to figure out how to post, it’s kind of weird and confusing right now. Nothing like wanting to write and not being able to. 

If I get this figuring out I’ll definitely post more often.