I don’t ever sleep the full night through. I’ve been having a lot of nightmares about the past. You think you are over something and yet there it is poking it’s heads out. I’m in this vicious sleep cycle. Bed at 1am, wake up between 2:00 and 5:00 am. Go back to bed at 8:00 am and then sleep until 11:30am or noon. Don’t get me wrong I love sleep because usually I have full control of my dreams but lately it has just been terrible.

My mood has been pretty good. However I am pretty lonely. Hubby works from home but he works really hard and is on the phone most of the day so we can’t hang. I was having painting nights with my sis-in-law but then my niece got covid. So we of course have been avoiding each other. The rest of my family is in Canada so there’s no visiting there. I haven’t seen anyone but my mom and half sisters since I moved down here and that was almost 3 years ago now.

Having social anxiety doesn’t help much. I avoid most people like the plague. I want to get to know my neighbors better because everyone is so nice here. Yet I keep holing back because they are all very outgoing. We put a patio and firepit in the backyard so we could invite them over, then winter hit. We’ll try again next summer I suppose.

Anyhow that’s all for tonight. Hopefully I’ll get back into the practice of writing every day.

Almost Forgot

I almost forgot to post today. Hubby and I sat down and binge watched the entire second season of the magicians. I’m counting this as writing today because I haven’t gone to bed yet.

Today was another okay day, with hints of blah. I again didn’t sleep very well.  Going to have to talk to my shrink about it, she will likely suggest tarazadone (sp?) an antidepressant that actually helps you sleep. We have had to do that in the past.  Still haven’t heard back on whether the appeal has been accepted or not. I hate waiting for other people to do things that might end up being beneficial to me.

I don’t have much else to say. I’m going to go crawl into bed and hope to sleep tonight. I’m not sure I’ll be able to as I got a couple hours sleep this afternoon, but keep your fingers crossed.


Another Okay Day

Today I have been mostly just Okay with the occasional spot of happiness. I like that. I think I would feel even better if I could get some decent sleep. I keep waking up constantly through the night and then having a problem falling back asleep.

I’ve always had a hard time with sleeping. I can nap pretty well but a full nights sleep doesn’t happen all that often. I think it has to do with my meds to be honest.

Last night was really weird because I woke up to go to the washroom and accidentally knocked over something with liquid in it on the back of the toilet and didn’t realize it happened. The dogs started barking and I heard this weird sound and hubby sprang out of bed to check the doors. I figured out where it was coming from but not what it was for a couple minutes. That definitely got the adrenaline going. Took a long while to go to sleep after that.

I did put away some things today which honestly getting anything done is a bloody miracle.  I am writing my blog too, so my days feel like I am accomplishing something.  I’m glad I decided to do this.


Going Off Pristiq

So far it has lead me to be nauseated and unable to sleep. My sleep last night was worst than normal. These hot flashes are killing me and than insomnia rears it’s ugly head. My husband even purchased a cooling mattress topper and pillow for me and I still wake up in pool of my own sweat several times a night. I suppose I am going to need to get some hormone replacement therapy if this keeps up.  I’m too tired to write honestly, I just want to get stoned and chill, so I will.

Not Feeling Great

After my hair salon appointment on Thursday I wasn’t feeling great. Emotionally I was good but physically I was having some issues. Yesterday I was feeling a lot of pain and didn’t sleep very well. Today it is even worse 😦 I am a hey and nauseated and a little light headed. Definitely not fun.

Even though I felt bad we went out and went to a state park and walked in the woods, fed fish and geese, I took some no pictures I’ll put them up soon. We then headed over to the lot of model home and spent some time there daydreaming about decor and how nice having our home will be.

It really started to take a turn later in the afternoon, I did manage to go to lunch but now I feel horrible, HORRIBLE!

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night after barely sleeping an hour or so, I had a horrible anxiety attack about having a heart attack. My chest muscles are so as are the ones in my back from when I had my back cracked and I’ve been exercising more then usual. I know it’s not really going to happen but I really tend to worry about death, a lot.

The future looks positive, we are going to have a home! We are still madly in love. I am married to my best friend. So when I don’t worry messing things up I worry about dying and not seeing my dreams come true. My brain really pisses me off.

I’m not surprised that I got I’ll, I’ve been exposed to more people in the last couple of months then I have in the last four years. Bugs happen.

I Hate EVERYTHING today..

Talking about rapid mood cycling…

Seriously I keep going downhill then uphill than downhill, you get the picture. Today I have wanted to say a very vulgar word to people more than 30 times. I don’t use the C-word. If you don’t know what it is I’m not typing it either.

I am not finding joy in anything. I did laugh once but it was because of a hilarious shirt. Mostly I just want to punch people in the neck.

I only got four hours of sleep. I tried everything but I could not sleep and I don’t want to do anything so I just basically lay there fuming for hours.

I don’t know how to deal with the depression. I have no help. The shrink I saw hasn’t called me in over a week and I know if I call him and ask about something for the depression I am not going to get any assistance. I know I made the right choice going off the lithium because I feel 100% better physically and emotionally no different, well except the depression which is not related anyhow.

Why did he have to be a big fat lying sack of shit? Why can’t doctors want what is best for you? Why do I even give a shit about it? I don’t but I am pissed and need to focus.

Depression and Anger what a fine combination for doing stupid things. I have to be careful and watch myself and hope that this passes faster than it has in the past. If I am still feeling like this when hubby goes on his trip I have no idea what I will do.. God I don’t even want to think about it.

Gotta focus on the prize.. Leaving in 24 days, I can do it right? I can handle this I think, I think. Ugh I dunno.. fuck.

Also I did get one piece of good news yesterday which may be related to the grouchiness. I am going to have my ECT meeting this week. I want to do it but I am nervous.. that tends to make me super bitchy. Why is it that positive change always brings me down. I’m my own worse enemy.

Wedding Day

I am tired, I managed to dose off about 3 times today only to be awoken rudely by the phone, pissed me off, but I went out played the slots and went to my mom in laws wedding, It made hubby and me decide that in 3 years we will do a re-commitment ceremony where I will wear an actual wedding dress and have the people I love there.. It was fun dressing up tonight for the wedding. I had to take a cab though which I didn’t like at all! However I am finding that if I just push myself I can do a lot of things, I am so tired though and my hands are shaking I am not sure if it is because of the lithium or the fact that I forgot my lamictal, but at least that is over with, the withdrawal isn’t too too bad I suppose. I cant wait to get home and really really write a blog, this laptop is uncomfortable and awkward… I cant wait to see my puppies, I miss then so much. Vegas would be more fun if we were able to go to shows, maybe next time. I went out of the room myself for about 30 mins while hubby still slept and won 60 bucks on the slots.. so it was a win win.. hehe

outside the chapel





So Restless

I absolutely hate this. I can’t sleep at night and during the day I am just restless. Nothing seems to hold my mind for more than 30 mins at most.

I’m not unhappy but I am also not happy. I keep trying to do all the things that I usually love. Heck I have been trying to do these things for the last few months and they just hold no joy for me.

I want to go out but really there is no where to go since we are using all our ‘dating money’ for the Vegas trip.

I did clean but it was so overwhelming and honestly when I finish a room I don’t get that sense of accomplishment it just feels like I’ve made a tiny dent and I still have so much to do.

Have I mentioned that I have too many clothes? I have literally 7-8 garbage bags full of clothes. I can’t stand to part with them even though most don’t fit at present and I usually just wear pj’s most of the time.

I do have to go shopping at kohl’s tomorrow. I need pants for the trip, heck I need pants to leave the house period, all I have is yoga and track pants. Maybe I should wear them to the shrink so they can see just how much I don’t give a fuck about myself.

I won’t be lying to this one telling them I am fine when I am not.  I made that mistake with the last one. I need to get some real help.  I’m starting to get stressed about it though. We are doing a practice drive tomorrow so I can see where it is and how long it takes to get there. Hopefully long enough for my clonazepam to kick in..

I so hope they consider the ECT, I really want it and I just have a feeling that it will really help with my depression. Apparently it also helps with mania, so it could be a one-two shot. It’s worth some short term memory loss.

Hmm least I can write.. Blog done.

Not Really Me Right Now

Right now I feel like I am looking through a window cut into my skull, facing outside.  I hate the feeling. It’s like walking in a haze around you constantly. I would think this is the anxiety.  However I had a knock-down can’t breath panic attack this morning.  Hubby leaving me right now is hard. I am not mentally stable at all.

I am afraid of everything. I have abandonment issues.. These things are pretty normal. I thought that I was getting better but the stress and watching myself has taken over again. At this point right now I am honestly just kind of numb. I haven’t been out for 2 days. I am going out today, regardless of how shitty I feel.

I haven’t been getting past my REM cycle sleeping, I won’t even have the assurance of my husband laying beside me if the sleep paralysis comes.  I wonder if I am ever going to be self reliant at all. I certainly don’t seem like I am.

My husband said something to me yesterday which was, you’re a grown woman you are going to be 45 in a few days. To which I said to him, I may seem like a grown woman but inside I always feel like a 15 year girl.  Always.. it’s weird.  Everything is weird.  Why is everything so damned weird.

I’m just not me, I don’t even know who me is. I feel like I am never gonna find me. That time will stop for me before I figure out anything. I am just keeping hope that getting a new shrink and doctor will start bringing me back into my own space. Can help control my moods and maybe let me like myself..

Who knows, it’s only over when you stop trying right?

Hallucinations.. Fun.. Not!

Sorry I didn’t write yesterday I was trying to live a somewhat normal life and fight down a huge pile of anger that was building in me. Seems about right, weeks of depression, a couple days of happiness possible hypomania, anger then repeat? That’s usually the way it is anyhow. I can’t tell today.

I am exhausted. Last night I couldn’t sleep, no idea why, I was pretty good the few days before it. I of course got over tired and then at 6-7am I decided to take some Benadryl to help me sleep. As I lay in med waiting for it to hopefully assist me, I started seeing colors and tentacles and dozing to sleep paralysis , mixing and repeating until probably about 8-8:30 where I finally fell into REM sleep, I never got past it.. I feel like a zombie.

It’s funny how the colors, the tentacle and the monsters peeking around the corner only phase me enough in the state, to sleep with my back against my husbands so I got both sides guarded. The sleep paralysis though I don’t know that I will ever get used to it.

I suppose since it is occurring more and more often I will need to do some sort of sleep test, how does one with social anxiety who frequently has insomnia sleep in a room where they are hooked up to wires and being watched? Can’t see that happening

I’m suppose I will just nap when I came because this sleeplessness can go on for days and days. Sweeter Dreams to all.