Not Really Me Right Now

Right now I feel like I am looking through a window cut into my skull, facing outside.  I hate the feeling. It’s like walking in a haze around you constantly. I would think this is the anxiety.  However I had a knock-down can’t breath panic attack this morning.  Hubby leaving me right now is hard. I am not mentally stable at all.

I am afraid of everything. I have abandonment issues.. These things are pretty normal. I thought that I was getting better but the stress and watching myself has taken over again. At this point right now I am honestly just kind of numb. I haven’t been out for 2 days. I am going out today, regardless of how shitty I feel.

I haven’t been getting past my REM cycle sleeping, I won’t even have the assurance of my husband laying beside me if the sleep paralysis comes.  I wonder if I am ever going to be self reliant at all. I certainly don’t seem like I am.

My husband said something to me yesterday which was, you’re a grown woman you are going to be 45 in a few days. To which I said to him, I may seem like a grown woman but inside I always feel like a 15 year girl.  Always.. it’s weird.  Everything is weird.  Why is everything so damned weird.

I’m just not me, I don’t even know who me is. I feel like I am never gonna find me. That time will stop for me before I figure out anything. I am just keeping hope that getting a new shrink and doctor will start bringing me back into my own space. Can help control my moods and maybe let me like myself..

Who knows, it’s only over when you stop trying right?

4 comments

  1. You are absolutely right. It’s only over when you stop trying. Just to be writing this blog shows that you have a 100% success rate of getting through these things before (I may have stolen that inspiring piece from somewhere else).
    It’s such an awful feeling when your mind is not your own. Just remember it is part of the illness and actually you’re a pretty strong and brave lady. Hopefully, seeing a new medical team will be just what you need. Good luck x

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      1. I find that mind over matter only really comes in when you are feeling a bit more ‘with it’. When your mind is fighting through fog, it’s so hard to find your way out.
        When you say you hate saying these thing when you can’t feel them, do you mean that you hate not being able to feel things? Or is it the saying of these things you hate? One thing I have found recently is that whilst I know a lot of things to be true, I don’t feel that they are true. As in, I know that I am not a bad person, but I feel that I am. There’s a huge disconnect somewhere.

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