I Can’t Control Anything

Tomorrow my husband is going to be heading back to Omaha until Friday. I hate it when he leaves me. I hate it when he leaves. I worry about the flight, I worry about the roads cause it is actually winter there. I worry about the stress he has to endure. I probably won’t sleep until he gets back home. I am already not sleeping well because of the change of having my family here.

I go back and forth on the whole thing, it is nice to have someone to talk to when they are at the apartment but then again I had not realized just how used to be alone I have come. This morning crawling back into bed then having a shower singing at the top of my lungs made me happy for a few minutes. My mood is mostly just kind of weird. I’m not happy, I’m not meh, I’m somewhere in the middle, but feel depression’s head licking at my brain.

I usually get hit pretty hard when hubby leaves. I am hoping my family being here will make it easier.. could they make it harder? maybe, who knows. We are all stubborn, vocal, non-censoring women.

One of the plus’s that happened today is I finally made a appointment with a regular doctor so I can get a referral so the LA bipolar specialist. I think I am gonna find out I am a lot more fucked up then I previously believed.

Knowing things about myself that I didn’t previously understand might get me the proper treatment, or it might make me hate myself more.. If that is even possible. I dunno..

Even my daughter who I wish I could protect I can’t help but to be there and talk occasionally.. frustrating..

I feel like I am always in a stressful situations and that it is never going to settle down.. if it was going to start, something new would just pop up.. maybe I need therapy.. who knows..

I was actually upset to see that people weren’t reading the blog then once again remembered that it is for me and not for anyone else. Which means I can write completely nonsense if I want..

Flerrrgl gerrrll peeeeetr fooppoe

Letters…

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