Again last night I spent hours upon hours, watching TV and eating a whole fucking box of creamsicles. I need to not buy this shit and have it in the house. I am feeling some horrible self hatred right now.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. It’s not like I am even enjoying the damn things I just seem to need to punish myself for some reason. I wish my husband would tell me no when I ask for junk. I wish he didn’t always want me to be happy. I wish he was more of a hard ass.. But honestly it is all on me.
I am planning on getting LAPBAND surgery when we get back to Omaha, it was something I was going to do here but chickened out on. It’s something I need to do. I think with it and therapy I will get a handle on things.. I think I think.. I wish I knew..
I am so depressed I just want to sleep and I can’t which makes it so much worse. At least when I sleep I dream and I have control.. the one place I have any control and I can’t get to it. ARGHHHHH!
Luckily I am afraid of death or I would be drunk right now and just staying that way until this passes.. I need to let the medication work though.. WORK DAMMIT I have no patience.. breathe…
A Bipolars Reality 
My doctor keeps giving me shit about not stopping drinking. Says, why even bother taking your medication if your not going to let it work.
Let alone it just may kill you if you drink too much.
Pshhh I don’t eat a too much. But I’ve been drinking more as of recently.
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I am sad that you have to suffer like this. I’ve felt the same feelings (still do re: food) You’re in my thoughts today.
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It is easy to get in the way of your own happiness. You know what you need to do. I used to sully the food I was binging on by pouring a ton of salt on it. Maybe it will help you. Think on it. When you reach for food to hurt yourself, what is the reason? Study it. Quiz on Thursday ;P
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I know all of your feelings. I’ve been through all of it. All I can say, is major hug and I hope you can find a balance.
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