Borderline Personality Disorder

I’m Fine On The Outside

Everyone thinks I am ok but really I’m not. The sadness is creeping in again. I have moments of ok, but mostly I just sit there thinking about nothing, staring off into space.

I asked hubby if could get an apartment if I had troubles dealing with things her but he said that we would take longer to get a house and he had no idea how I would get to my therapy sessions.

Tht made me so angry I thought my head would explode. I moved here for support and to get the mental help I need and him slinging out thing like well then it would be cab time just makes me feel like I walked into a trap.

I’ve been getting more paranoid then usual. When I leave him and his mom to talk I’m afraid they are saying horrible things about me. I can feel the borederline personality disorder taking over its ugly grip as my bipolar depression gets worse.

Thank god it is only 3 days until a shrink and therapy appt. Hopefully it will help. Until then I have a ne photography challenge with my BFF and I am going to be doing some art and trying to think of th future. The real one not the one the ugly voices in my head are trying to make me believe are true.

Stress and Hate

4 days and we are on the road. I don’t know how long it will take until we leave wedsnesday but we’ll definitely be on the road for more then 4 hours, gonna try to get to the other side of Las Vegas before we stop for the night.

I think I’ve allowed myself to get to stressed out. I’m feeling rather sickly in addition to depressed. My tunny hurts. God that sounds like a child talking but I feel like crap.

I’ve been trying to like myself and have been using a lot more makeup and trying to be more confident. It’s been working for the most part but today I woke up and looked in the mirror and positively hated myself. Full blown hate.

I wish I loved myself. Others do. Sigh

Why So Insecure?!

My husband never hides anything from me. I occasionally browse his Facebook to see if there is anything funny going on and check his friends list. The friends list thing is pure paranoia.

I don’t now why I am so insecure, but going through it today I saw he and his sister were talking. It jaded me wonder if he is talking to people I am unaware of at work.
He used to be on aim with a bunch of work people now they all only talk through some work IM service. I don’t need to keep an eye on him, he’s a good man but it makes me feel better knowing that I could if I wanted to if that makes any sense.

When will this insecurity stop? Ever? I can’t wait to start to therapy for this.

He was telling me about a conversation about buying homes with a woman he works with, he’s only mentioned her name recently as apparently she is new tone team. It set all my alarms off.

Fuck, I hat my brain.


So far the not taking anything is going ok. I am not having any weird withdrawal from the Lithium. I am still getting weepy once in a while but that started before I stopped taking it and may be more linked to my depression. Maybe I’m just feeling things, who knows.

I went out for a walk around the block by myself it’s about a mile and it seemed longer while I was walking it. I had on my iPhone listening to applause by Lady GaGa. It made me walk like a runway model. On the outside I would appear perfectly normal to people. On the inside well I am always fighting with myself as long I don’t start arguing with myself I am good lol.

It’s a beautiful day, I plan to go to the beach later, hopefully at sunset to get some nice pictures. I am really proud of myself for going out. It’s hard every time I take a step out of that door but I know it will get easier in time with practice.

The positive thing about being off of drugs is that I can have GRAPEFRUIT!!! I have missed it so much. It interacts with everything so to be able to sit down with a half a grapefruit and a spoon will be positively delightful.  I am picking some up tonight!

Friday hubby found out he is going to have to go out of town on the 11th-13th. I’m not happy about it. I’m stressed out about it. What if something happens to me emotionally. What if I have a breakdown? What if, what if?

I’ll deal with it though. I will post on my blog and remember that I am not truly alone. What a bad time to run  out of weed.. but what are you going to do right?

Goooo Grapefruit.


servingI’ve never allowed myself to feel empowered. I’ve always sat by fearful of letting my thoughts or feelings known in case I was judged as crazy.

I’m taking control of my mental health and what goes into my body,  I will feel empowered. I may not be able to be drug free in fact to be honest I am 80% sure I will need to go back to medications. That’s alright. For now I am going to let my body cleanse itself of the poisons that have been forced into it by each uncaring doctor that treated me like I am nothing but a number.

I am a number, number one. I’m not a faceless patient who can spoken to about generalized mental health care while not receiving the help that I really need.  I will no longer sit there afraid about changes that are going on with my physically and mentally while doctors only have fifteen minutes once a month to fit me in.  Screw that.

I’m taking my mental health care into my own hands. I am going to do what I think is right. It is my body and mind. I will find someone who will listen to me and work with me instead of trying to talk me into doing things I am uncomfortable with.

That’s not to say I won’t have break downs, but they will be mine. Not caused because I did something I didn’t feel comfortable doing.  I will survive and fight all my issues one day at a time.

Movement Impossible

Again I spent the night fighting with my own body as it slipped into sleep paralysis again and again. I didn’t feel exhausted which is usually the precursor. Though honestly I think I may just be exhausted all the time so I never notice anymore. I had my husband hold my hand, not because it helps physically but emotionally I feel tethered.

It scares me though that my husband sleep so deep and can’t tell when someone is going on with me. I think I lost some of the security that he usually gives. So for hours and hours I would slip down into sleep paralysis sometimes making it to REM but I had so much anxiety I would kick myself out of it. It has been going on all night until noon today.

I don’t feel very good, my sinus’s are grody, my chest feels full and I know I have to go to the doctors tonight to make sure I don’t have pneumonia. Sleeping is just not going to happen.

I’m afraid! My stomach always feels full even when it is not so I imagine I will also get yet another endoscopy. I don’t mind that really. I’ve had 3 already. My great grandmother died from stomach cancer at around my age.. I’m so afraid of death. I mean most people are. Yet they live, they go on and do things with their lives. I am currently writing and feeling guilty.. death and guilt.. why couldn’t it be cake or death? I would most assuredly would take the cake or the chicken.. (Eddie Izzard)

I have made my husband an unhealthy weight with my insecurities. When he wanted to go to the gym or eat healthy I made him feel bad for doing so by accusing him for wanting to be with someone else.  Now I have no choice but to let him do those things because he needs to be healthy. He must outlive me. I couldn’t bear my life without him.

Fuck life would just be easier for everyone without me I swear.


Stupid Moods

These moods are driving me crazy. Somehow I am still managing to write. I can’t paint though it’s frustrating. I’m trying to do the daily prompt everyday on my other blog and todays was ‘the kindness of strangers’. I had nothing. I had to make up a fictional story. I’ve gotten kind words but have never really gotten help from a stranger and the words are from people online.

I’ve wracked my brain thinking that maybe I am missing something. There has to be something right? Nope. I can barely think of a time where the people I have known in my life have shown me kindness let alone a stranger. It’s rather depressing. It feels like people have been more apt to hurt me then help me.

I don’t understand why. I think I am a good person. I always try to be kind. Sometimes the bipolar bitch slips through but most of the time I always try to be nice and helpful. I give money to people outside of stores have bought food for people who needed it. Have supported family and friend as much as I could.

This makes me feel sad and lonely and like a piece of shit..



P.S I am not discrediting the kindness of the comments from people who have/do read my blog. Thank you it means a great deal to me. I got so caught up in my self pity I didn’t realize how it sounded. I truly appreciate you all.

I Feel Weird

I’m not super happy, I am not depressed. I can’t really explain the way I am feeling.

I’m smiling at things, I’m frowning at things. It’s weird. I hope this isn’t what normal feels like cause I won’t be having any of that.

I am still tired. I can not get enough sleep. Tons of REM, very little of anything else.

I need to go out today. I want to show an adventure with my pictures when I go out. Gotta keep up with the BFF 😛

I don’t think this is normal cause it feels almost numb, I guess that would be closer to depression that anything. Blech is a good descriptive word.

Definitely having some disassociation going on. Maybe that is the full problem. The feeling that I am watching everything from the outside in. ..

I want to run.. like just leave and run and run and run.. sitting still just isn’t going very well for me right now.. Everyday it gets worse. I know it’s because I want to leave and go home to Omaha. It will get worse. Until I am like a kid who has had to much sugar.

God I wish I wasn’t so fucking fat so I could run and not worry about killing myself.. okay now I’m getting pissed off.. moods I tell ya

No Sleep, Just Eat

Again last night I spent hours upon hours, watching TV and eating a whole fucking box of creamsicles.  I need to not buy this shit and have it in the house. I am feeling some horrible self hatred right now.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. It’s not like I am even enjoying the damn things I just seem to need to punish myself for some reason. I wish my husband would tell me no when I ask for junk. I wish he didn’t always want me to be happy. I wish he was more of a hard ass.. But honestly it is all on me.

I am planning on getting LAPBAND surgery when we get back to Omaha, it was something I was going to do here but chickened out on. It’s something I need to do. I think with it and therapy I will get a handle on things.. I think I think.. I wish I knew..

I am so depressed I just want to sleep and I can’t which makes it so much worse. At least when I sleep I dream and I have control.. the one place I have any control and I can’t get to it. ARGHHHHH!

Luckily I am afraid of death or I would be drunk right now and just staying that way until this passes.. I need to let the medication work though.. WORK DAMMIT I have no patience.. breathe…

Fuck You Mental Illness

Today I should be positively joyful. I got a lovely award, I reached 100 followers (I know some of these are likely not really interested in my blog) and this is my 100th post. I kind of feel nothing though. I just want to sleep. I am not happy I am not sad, I am just numb.

However this month is Mental Health Month. I am going to continue to post every day just like I had planned! I am not going to let this bring me down. I may cry, I may scream, I may sleep BUT I WILL POST!!!

It’s important to me. I like to think that the sincere people following want to read what I have to say whether I am babbling or writing a story or whatever. They thought I was worth clicking on that follow button. So it’s grown beyond just letting myself down. We bloggers are like a family. Sometimes a quiet lurking family and sometimes a family that posts and says to us what we want to hear and sometimes even what we need to hear when we don’t wanna. I love that.

So to my Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder.. FUCK YOU, I’m going to win. No matter how many times you knock me down I will get back up and give you the finger..