dream

Yesterday Was A Bad Day

Yesterday I had a horrible time getting out of bed but every time I would fall back asleep I would have dreams of trying to kill myself. It was super weird. They were incredibly vivid.

It turned out to be one of those days where I didn’t feel like I could be alone but I had no choice. I was just generally sad and confused about my dreams.

I ended up cleaning the house though and managed to walk over a mile and a half which I think is pretty good for a depressed person.

Today I again had a hard time getting out of bed, my dreams were still vivid but they were about having to do things to save my life.

My brain seems to be stuck on a theme. I’m not entirely sure why but every time something negative pops in my head I tell myself that those are not my real feelings and move past it.

My shrink says that she wants for me to be happy to wake up each day and not mind being by myself and even possibly enjoy it. I don’t know if that will happen. There isn’t a lot for me to do currently. I’m not feeling creative or explorative. I don’t want to be on my computer and I’m tired of watching the same TV shows every day.

I can’t let this get me down though. I need to figure out how to enjoy life more. I’m lucky and have my physical health. People that are worse off are living and fighting to enjoy each day so I should be able to do it.

I’m sure in time it will be different. I plan to start working out tonight, that should help. I’ve already started a low carb, high protein diet. I’m losing weight and I’m working hard to keep my house clean. Maybe I need to spend more time on myself. What do I need?

I’m So Miserable

I’m depressed, I’ve been fighting it for a while. I’ve run out of things to fight with. The positives that are going on are just not enough. I need to see my shrink, which is tomorrow thank goodness. I am sure I need a med check.

Nothing seems to work for long, at least it feels that way. I know the Latuda is working but just not enough. I wish I wasn’t alone.

I know that maybe things in the back of my head are affecting my mood, but I dont know what to do about it. I am so bored and lonely. I just want to go to sleep and dream and not get up again.

It feels like such a backslide. I want to find some positives but I just see the negatives in them. Like the house right now all I can think about is I wont be able to move in there until late February or early March. Thats so long ago.

I dont want to write or paint. I did some cleaning yesterday but I cant even get up the energy to do it. Frankly I’m just tired, so tired.

Grapefruit!!!

So far the not taking anything is going ok. I am not having any weird withdrawal from the Lithium. I am still getting weepy once in a while but that started before I stopped taking it and may be more linked to my depression. Maybe I’m just feeling things, who knows.

I went out for a walk around the block by myself it’s about a mile and it seemed longer while I was walking it. I had on my iPhone listening to applause by Lady GaGa. It made me walk like a runway model. On the outside I would appear perfectly normal to people. On the inside well I am always fighting with myself as long I don’t start arguing with myself I am good lol.

It’s a beautiful day, I plan to go to the beach later, hopefully at sunset to get some nice pictures. I am really proud of myself for going out. It’s hard every time I take a step out of that door but I know it will get easier in time with practice.

The positive thing about being off of drugs is that I can have GRAPEFRUIT!!! I have missed it so much. It interacts with everything so to be able to sit down with a half a grapefruit and a spoon will be positively delightful.  I am picking some up tonight!

Friday hubby found out he is going to have to go out of town on the 11th-13th. I’m not happy about it. I’m stressed out about it. What if something happens to me emotionally. What if I have a breakdown? What if, what if?

I’ll deal with it though. I will post on my blog and remember that I am not truly alone. What a bad time to run  out of weed.. but what are you going to do right?

Goooo Grapefruit.

This is a dream I had.

There was a young girl named Tuesday whose mother was gone for long periods of time. She was very lonely as her father was always at work or out with his friends.

One day her  mother brought her home a purple teddy bear with a pink bow to keep her company and keep her safe.

The girl was thrilled and the bear made a wonderful friend! It protected her from the monsters in the closet and under the bed. It played with her when she was lonely and loved her like only a mother could. It did such a wonderful job in fact that she never noticed that her mom had never come home again after that day.

As she grew up she took the bear with her everywhere. It was even packed to take with her as she left for college.

When she got to her dorm room, she unpacked everything and realized the bear was gone. She searched frantically trying to find it but all she could find was a boring brown bear.  She called home to ask her father if he had seen it and he slurring told her that he had thrown it away.

She cried and cried, horrified to have lost the only friend she had ever had.

She walked through the halls of school looking frightened and sad a mere shadow of the happy girl that she used to be. She started noticing things around her, the people scared her and often she felt like at any moment she was going to die her heart pounding so hard in her chest she thought it would pop through.

The brown bear was no substitution and she always felt ill at ease in it’s presence.  Even though her father had given it to her as a replacement it didn’t hold the love and protection her purple bear had. It made her mind ask a question she never thought to ask before.

Where was her mother?

She called her father and he mumbled that he didn’t know,  that she had disappeared years ago.

She started to see the monsters everywhere again. Threatening her, teasing her always making her feel unsafe.

She called family and the police but no one knew where her mother had gone.

She couldn’t handle school anymore so she returned home. Tuesday could see things with clear eyes, her drunken father, the house barely standing, filled with garbage and 100’s of bottles of all various kinds and shapes.

She searched every room in the house trying to find some hint of where her mother had gone and couldn’t even find a picture.

She realized there was one room she hadn’t checked and as she rushed to the door she realized it was locked and that for some reason it frightened her very badly.  She asked her father for the key but he said he had lost it before he fell asleep in a drunken stupor.

She sat in the floor in frustration, tears forming in her eyes when she saw her purple teddy in her minds eye. It gave her the idea to pick the lock since it was one of those old skeleton types that were so easy to open.

She took some bobby pins and poked and prodded until *click* the door creaked open. She sat for a moment catching her breath as her heart started to pound, her mouth got bitter as she could feel the bile building up in her throat. Then she stood up, tucked her chin and slowly walked up the stairs to the attic.

The room was bright, as the sun streamed through the windows. In the corner was a colorful chest and on top of it was her purple bear! She squealed with glee and pick it up hugging it to her chest and humming a happy song. The bear dragged her towards the chest and she ran forward her fingers pressing the buttons on the front.

It sprang open her throat catching a scream as her eyes caught the skeleton. The skeleton of someone she knew. She recognized the locket around it’s neck. This was her mother and held in her mothers arms was a purple bear with a pink bow just like the one she was given many years ago….