Small Suicide List

*these are the songs I listen to when I am feeling suicidal and they usually bring me out of it* It’s not a list to play while you kill yourself. Call someone for help if you are feeling that way and can’t get out of it.

Switchfoot – Meant to Live

Three Days Grace – Never Too Late, Pain

Breaking Benjamin – Close to Heaven

Seether – Broken Featuring Amy Lee

Skillet – Awake and Alive

Give them a listen and see what you think, it’s just a few I would have to put way more effort into the whole list. I’m still creating it on pandora.

Suicide Music

I have several songs that I listen to when I am feeling suicidal and they make me feel if not better at least under control.

They are songs about fighting for your life, even if the monster is within you.

I’ll have to put together a list, maybe they’ll help someone else.



A Poem

I wrote this poem some time ago for my other blog, but I decided that if I honestly can’t think of things to say, I’ll post some of my writings. Enjoy

I heard a train and it made me think,
About dying in a way that’s kind of unique.
Just lay on the tracks, maybe take a sleep,
Eyes closed tight as the horn goes meep meep.
I think it would be fast and my emotions would hurt less,
However I think there’d be a hell of a mess..

Whatever.. Poetry..

Not suicidal just a quick thought.

Yesterday Was A Bad Day

Yesterday I had a horrible time getting out of bed but every time I would fall back asleep I would have dreams of trying to kill myself. It was super weird. They were incredibly vivid.

It turned out to be one of those days where I didn’t feel like I could be alone but I had no choice. I was just generally sad and confused about my dreams.

I ended up cleaning the house though and managed to walk over a mile and a half which I think is pretty good for a depressed person.

Today I again had a hard time getting out of bed, my dreams were still vivid but they were about having to do things to save my life.

My brain seems to be stuck on a theme. I’m not entirely sure why but every time something negative pops in my head I tell myself that those are not my real feelings and move past it.

My shrink says that she wants for me to be happy to wake up each day and not mind being by myself and even possibly enjoy it. I don’t know if that will happen. There isn’t a lot for me to do currently. I’m not feeling creative or explorative. I don’t want to be on my computer and I’m tired of watching the same TV shows every day.

I can’t let this get me down though. I need to figure out how to enjoy life more. I’m lucky and have my physical health. People that are worse off are living and fighting to enjoy each day so I should be able to do it.

I’m sure in time it will be different. I plan to start working out tonight, that should help. I’ve already started a low carb, high protein diet. I’m losing weight and I’m working hard to keep my house clean. Maybe I need to spend more time on myself. What do I need?

La Dee Da

Do you ever have one of those days where everything is super annoying? I mean I feel ok emotionally but I can’t speak my mind freely and it’s frustrating to not be able to be yourself?




There that is off my chest.

Nuff said.

Opinions are like assholes everyone has one and most are full of shit.

Delving Back Into The Deep

I woke up so morose today. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I kept thinking about ways to kill myself. I asked hubby to come home for the afternoon to just be safe.

I feel a little better now that I’ve had a glass of wine or two. I know it’s self medicating but I don’t have a choice at the moment since my shrink is out on maternity leave and I can’t get any help from the office.

I’ve asked twice for an increase in my latuda and havent heard a damn thing one way or another. The depression is way outlasting the good and with all the stress on top of it, it can be downright unbearable.

The thing that keeps me going is that I don’t want to be without my husband. It keeps me from the hospital but it also keeps me from going over the edge and killing myself. I know that is probably also unhealthy but for now it works.

I sent out christmas cards to my family tonight, even my father whom has made very little effort to be in my life. At least I got something accomplished.

A Little Breakdown

Tonight I talked with my daughter. She again has been dumped by the asshole who she keeps being screwed over with.

I hate that he keeps hurting her. She also informed me that she had been basically been welling herself for drugs. Though she has been clean for 3 months.

I told her if she goes back to this man I will need to stop talking to her. She is mentally unstable and I don’t want to abandon her but she is such a trigger for me.

After the call I wanted to kill myself and felt so guilty and heartbroken for the ways she had turned out. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I started drinking until hubby took the wine away from me. I wasn’t being very smart with taking cold medicine and Xanax and alcohol.

It was a hard day, eventually hubby was able to calm me back down but it made me realize that I might need cut her out of this continues just for my own sanity.

I hope she takes my advice and moves to a new Provence far away from that man and starts a new life, cause this just doesn’t work.

Fucking Depression

I woke up and knew it. I was miserable. It’s like the sun was plucked from the sky and my life was over. I told myself several times to not consider suicide. Just make it until we get a new home, it’ll get better.

It kept me going throughout the day. I managed to go out to Malibu and spend some time feeding ducks and looking over some wetlands. I felt sick and I felt tired. Not like go home and have a nap tired, but just lay down and go to sleep right there. I of course didn’t but man it was so tempting thinking about just closing my eyes forever.

I’m not suicidal. I’m not making any plans to off myself. I just sometimes want to give up. Hands in the air screaming “Fuck it brain you win!!” I’m not going to through.

As always with depression my paranoia is getting worse. I have to keep telling myself that I am making mountains out of molehills and nothing I would even think is unacceptable is going on. I really hate my brain.

I drew this drawing and posted it for my BFF last week, I have to remind myself it’s true as well.


Gotta fight, just have to keep going. I have to. Making dreams come true if you are there to see them happen. Things are good in life. It’s just the damn brain and I will not give in to this mental illness. Today anyhow. 1 day at a time.

Here Piggy Piggy

My husband being the sweet man that he is gave me a cake for Mother’s Day. I took a picture of it because I was going to show how pretty it was.. Little did I know that I would actually be showing off what a fucking pig I am. I ate all that in a few hours. Then promptly threw it up. Things are getting worse. I am actually almost crying while I am posting this. I am so frustrated. I am out of my Viibryd and the shrink still hasn’t gotten back to me with refills. I want to go off it true, but not cold turkey. I hate how horrible you feel when that happens. I’ve had it done on a few things. Even going slowly off a med doesn’t feel good.

I said to my husband what if I tried to kill myself with something I know wouldn’t kill me so they take me seriously?. He was a little upset to say the least. I’m tired of being depressed.  Sometimes I do want to die to make it stop. I wish I didn’t love my husband so much it would be easier to just let go. As long as he is here and loves me though I gotta keep fighting.

I’m Happy So I’ll Kill Myself

Seems kind of a stupid thought right? I have been mostly up with a few sobbing/depressive moments the last few days. I put on some 80’s music and was playing on my computer. I started having memories about certain songs. Just heading down the melancholy highway when I thought to myself wouldn’t it be better to kill myself right now instead of having to go down to the horrible heart wrenching sorrow I can feel just heart beats away? I’m happy, I’m manic I’m so happy wouldn’t I want it to end on a high note?

After that hubby and I went for a drive to get a new keyboard for me, we forgot it was Easter.. so happy Easter to anyone who celebrates that sort of thing. I told him that the thought had popped into my head and I would like him to dole out my medications. It would help me remember and it would basically keep the shit out of my hands. I get impulsive I know it. I try to keep things out of my reach that can kill me. There is no taking that back if you succeed. I don’t want to be depressed again but I am not ready to die either.

I’ve gotten to experience happiness again, it may not last forever but it will come back, I realize that as long as I am trying to figure things out medically and emotionally I will find some mental peace. Just have to breathe and take it one day at a time.