good

Good Things

likeable-blog-500-1xFirst off thank you for this. 500 Likes is rather amazing.  It makes me feel that I am not only writing how I feel but others can relate. Plus today is my 160th post. WoW!

 

 

 

 

Second off my Bestie suggested that I think about the positive things that are coming from the move to help with my stress.

So in list form though in no particular order.

 

 

  • I will be able to experience weather again
  • I am not embarrassed to go out and do things
  • I have family
  • I am moving closer to my BFF
  • I am going to be buying a home
  • I get to have another puppy
  • I get to travel through some beautiful places
  • I get to go to a place that feels like home.

 

Okay that is some positive. A lot actually. I am looking forward to the move and I think that it’s just the stress of change that so effects us bipolars that is hitting me. My husband has been wonderful and supportive trying to alleviate as much stress as possible. My BFF has been there for me even though she has been having some stress and depression of her own. I have a wonderful support system here on wordpress as well. much love.

 

Fucking Depression

I woke up and knew it. I was miserable. It’s like the sun was plucked from the sky and my life was over. I told myself several times to not consider suicide. Just make it until we get a new home, it’ll get better.

It kept me going throughout the day. I managed to go out to Malibu and spend some time feeding ducks and looking over some wetlands. I felt sick and I felt tired. Not like go home and have a nap tired, but just lay down and go to sleep right there. I of course didn’t but man it was so tempting thinking about just closing my eyes forever.

I’m not suicidal. I’m not making any plans to off myself. I just sometimes want to give up. Hands in the air screaming “Fuck it brain you win!!” I’m not going to through.

As always with depression my paranoia is getting worse. I have to keep telling myself that I am making mountains out of molehills and nothing I would even think is unacceptable is going on. I really hate my brain.

I drew this drawing and posted it for my BFF last week, I have to remind myself it’s true as well.

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Gotta fight, just have to keep going. I have to. Making dreams come true if you are there to see them happen. Things are good in life. It’s just the damn brain and I will not give in to this mental illness. Today anyhow. 1 day at a time.

When A Kid Can Be a Kid

Today I decided to write on a lighter note. I was thinking about when I was younger before I went all crazy. I thought I would list some of the things I loved to do as a kid. Maybe you would like to think about this yourself, we all have some good memories, even if we are haunted by the bad.

Favorite Games:

The Floor Is Lava!: The funny thing about this is I thought me and my sister had created this game. However it seems to be a game that many kids had created or been taught. Interesting though.

Marbles:  Marbles was so much fun for me because little did I know it covered a couple of my needs, collecting and gambling lol.

Freeze Tag: I loved this game. Actually any game of tag really. The thrill of being chased.

Favorite TV Shows:

Electra Woman and Dina Girl : I actually have a dvd of this and watching it now I realize just how cheesy it was, but still adore it! I remember me and my sister would tuck our t-shirts into our underwear and pretend to be them!

H.R. Pufnstuf : Again I own this still and am not sure what I liked about it, though it still makes me giggle.

Wonder Woman: Sense a theme here? I did and will always love Wonder Woman.  I was a naughty girl who stole a giant comic book about her from the school because the library wouldn’t let me take it out anymore.

Favorite Sport(s):

Gymnastics: This was my favorite thing to do in the world, I did flips and cartwheels all over the place instead of walking, hehe. I did this for 9 years and it kept me happy and focused while I did it.

Track and Field: I’m short, and have always been but that never stopped me from doing long jumps, high jumps and hurdles when I was a kid.

Favorite Season:

Autumn: Has and always will be. I know a lot of kids liked Christmas but I loved Halloween more. (still do!) Plus I loved the smells and the cool rains. The crispness of the air. I never liked being too warm.

Favorite Song(s):

Billy Don’t be a Hero : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cdFuMgMkBM

Da Doo Run Run : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dj7nQ14iFwU

Beth : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uABnCLr4Pp0&feature=kp

Favorite Place To Be:

This one is so easy. Outside!! Most kids when I was young, never wanted to be home. We didn’t have computers or Ipads and cell phones. In fact you had to call a landline and we could listen to each others calls without anyone knowing lol. I was outside as long as I was allowed. Even in the cold of winter I loved being out and playing in the snow.

What kind of good memories do you have as a kid?

 

 

 

Things Are Picking Up

Mood: Good, though I want to shop for some stress reduction. It is one of my coping mechanism and sadly one that often gets me in trouble which is why hubby has all my CC’s heh

You know I realize that when I am in one mindset or the other I tend to forget what the other is like. When I am depressed as hell I feel like I have been that way forever and it is never going to stop. Thankfully it is starting to pass and just in time for my mom and sisters visit. Yesterday I was going between calm, laughing and crying. Talk about mixed episode. It’s been like this for about a week I think. Though it was predominantly at the negative end with a few breaks.

Today is the first day I woke up and could say, I’m ok. It’s funny when just OK is a wonderful feeling. No super highs and gut wrenching lows. So today I would like to say some things that I am grateful for.

1) The hubby! I am reminded every day how lucky I am to have him.

2) The family I have in my life.  My mom is trying really hard to understand my bipolarity.

3) My health (I think) I had a full heart workup last summer when I had a huge panic attack and a torn muscle in my shoulder. I mean they did everything.

4) I am really fortunate to live in SoCal, when the rest of the country if having horrific weather we have tons of sunshine and always have something blooming. The last few days it has been raining and it reminds me of the only weather I miss from states who have seasons!

5) My blog! It is giving me a sense of routine which is something I am badly in need of! This is the longest I have stuck with something besides my marriage 😀

6) The people who don’t know me but wrote kind words when I was struggling.  Thank you! Communicating with others who also have mental illness is more comforting than I ever realized.

I will keep doing this blog and try to remind myself everyday that even when life feels like it is complete shit, that, that is my bipolar brain.

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