I Have No Shame

Mood: Hopeful

It’s so funny to realize that the bipolar person in us really can bring about the very person we want to be sometimes. I am a little shy and reserved even with my husband. I love to sing and dance, but often do it quietly or when he can’t see me. I have been so overwhelmed by the urge to move to music I have actually just sort of cried out.

Then there are the times when I am my other self and the confidence rises. I sing at the top of my lungs, I move and dance like a crazy person.. Some good examples of this are when I do things where I am usually most uncomfortable .. Running man on a public beach, disco fever in front of the video camera in the building where I live. I mean I know the security guard is watching but at that time I don’t care. Plus it makes hubby laugh and blush. A grown man blushing is something truly beautiful.

When I am my shy self, I keep my head down when I see people, or turn up this polite pinched smile that seems like more of a grimace. However when I am my other self, I am vibrant and flirty and funny and I don’t care at all what anyone thinks, I meet people with a big ass grin and will talk my head off to anyone who bothers to listen.

I will bound around the room butt-naked and act like a gorilla which to this day makes me husband smile and makes me blush all the way to my toes, but that’s just how you are in that moment, completely different.

I suppose it is very bad to want to keep a part of my illness but if I could get rid of all of it and keep just one thing I suppose it would be this.  After a lifetime of people telling me I’m not good enough, I’m not attractive enough, my singing voice is awful.. It would be nice to not really care what anyone thinks.

A great example of this is today I took my dogs to the dog park and a woman was there with her pitbull. Now my puppies are a 9 pound yorkie Monkey and an 11 pound malti-poo Charlie both around 2 years of age. Monkey acts like a little old woman afraid of anything and not willing to play at all. Charlie is a talker, *growl* chase me, *bark* chase me.. come on chase me.. Now this pit bull wanted to play but as soon as he started to chase Charlie, Charlie started screaming like someone was kicking him when in fact he hasn’t even been touched at all. His talking is usually embarrassing enough for me. This however was humiliating for me. Admitted I should have been concerned about my dog, but I know he is a chicken at heart, he’s very much a momma’s boy and would be totally happy if it was just him and his sister.  I’m not the only one that needs exposure therapy. *on a side note, if you are agoraphobic you might want to consider a cat so they don’t end up as messed up as you are*.

If I had of been in my better state of mine I would have laughed it off and it wouldn’t have bothered me at all. Hours later it is still bothering me now. I hate it.. HATE IT!

It makes me want to go off my meds without any alternative treatment, I want to do it so badly. I just have to remember all the bad that comes with it as opposed to the good. Bad>Good! Ugh

3 comments

  1. I think I understand where you are coming from. My GP once suggested I had depression with an element of bipolar, as my mood was quite erratic. It’s just that the ‘highs’ don’t reach most peoples normal. Just my bloody luck. Whilst I know that the highs can be completely destructive, I do sometimes wish that I could just have that experience and feel confident and devil may care.
    P.S., Don’t stop the meds, if not for you, for your husband 😉

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