Month: April 2014

Hettie Wins The Lottery

For my blog post today I decided to do a 300 or less word story as challenge on

Today was like any other day Hettie put on her warm coat and the cane with 3 prongs to begin the climb up the slush covered road. She could see the bright green buds started to poke out on the trees and bushes and Hettie laughed to herself, looks like she would make it to age 98.

When she got to the General Store, Hector was waiting with her cup of coffee and helped her sit in her favorite seat. She handed him her dollar and he ran over and pointed at various scratch and wins and took out the one she nodded at. They made friendly conversation as he handed her the ticket then he walked off to do some other work.

Hettie pulled out her good luck penny while taking a sip of her strong black coffee. She smiled to herself as she slow scratched off each block on the card. She savored each one taking a full minute before moving onto the next. On the last scratch her eyes opened wide and she let out a little scream that had Hector rushing towards her. She had won the grand prize 150,000 dollars!

She looked at Hector and he nodded and smiled knowing exactly what would happen next. He quickly grabbed his coat. Helping Hettie to her feet they went out to his car where he drove her to Children’s Hospital. She walked in the front door and handed over the ticket.  The nurse hugged her and wanted to bring others over, but Hettie put her finger to her lips in a shushing fashion and walked back out of the hospital.

Hector dropped her off at the General Store and she began the slow walk home looking forward to her walk back tomorrow.


Is Being Happy Is Tiresome?

I’ve been perkily happy the last little while I think that it has to do with being off the lamictal and less stress in our lives. Honestly finding out that we were moving sooner just lifted layers off me. I am sure no one is eager to live with their mother in law for a time but it will get us the house we want. I really need to pay off all the cc cards I filled from the previous blog post.

We are hoping to buy by October. Halloween is my favorite holiday bar none. I always did the house up, got the large candy bars for the kids and occasionally dressed up myself. It’s a wonderful holiday in the Midwest cause everything smells so earthy, the leaves are falling and it makes everything sort of creepy. I get so excited thinking about it. We’ll need furniture but I think I would rather worry about decorating the house the right way. Then there is Christmas another wonderful house decorating time.. eeeee I am so excited!

I do have moments where I wonder if I am happy like this all the time will I just get annoying? I feel like I might. I am positively bubbly and perky. Have a ton of energy and want to do things. I wonder what the hubby thinks, am afraid to ask. I don’t know how long it will last and I don’t want to jinx it by being stupid. Lord knows that happens to me a lot. I can’t just go with the flow.

I’ve decided once we move I am giving up the mmorpg’s hopefully for good. All our stuff will be in storage so I’ll only have my laptop to write my blog on and maybe more of the book I am trying to write.. Could be very good for me… we’ll see right now I am just freaking myself out cause I am smiling.. weirdness.

I Hate World of Warcraft!!!

Today I’m pissed, but I am actually pissed for a reason. I have played this World of Warcraft since 1 year after it came out, so maybe 9 years with a break or two. I’m a completest so I collect all the pets and mounts and do all the achievements.

I hate the way the game has changed and I hate the way it forces me to PVP (player vs player) to make an achievement that in of itself takes a full year or longer to get all the things done for. It made me realize that no matter how hard I work at things it will just take my time and money and give me no sense of satisfaction. I waited a full year to try again but things are so unbalanced that I will never get this achievement.

People who don’t play online roleplaying games really don’t understand this feeling. I play 4 different games just to get my thrill. I think it’s a form of gambling and I think it’s an addiction that I should just quit doing. I feel like I am nerd raging right now.

Rift – Which is an awesome game for creativity, if you have an unending flow of cash and the need to build this game it fun. I literally have spent 10000 though. 😦  Yes that’s dollars I didn’t have.

WoW – If you like neverending questing or crappy pvp this game is for you! The graphics are lovely but the game itself is like the song that never ends. I’ve already spent a couple of hundred dollars since I came back.. regret much? omg yes

Guild Wars – Now if you like PVP this is a great game! However there are lots of little things to spend your money on. I’ve probably spent about 1500ish.

Marvel Heroes – This game is great if you like picking up shining and like a more diablo play style. Again though with heroes and outfits I have spent at least 2000+ dollars

If you have some self control three of these games are free-to-play and you can still have a really good time. WoW isn’t though it requires a subscription and your fucking soul. I really need something new to do with my life, it makes me sad just writing all this crap out.. Years and cash down the drain..  I feel like I’ve been robbed.


I Want I Want

My husband spoils me. Honestly sometimes I act like a petulant child if I don’t get what I want. So he rarely if ever says no to me. It’s a flaw in us both. He wants me to be happy and I want to be happy. Seems like a nice enough arrangement. I’m treated like a princess

There is a problem with someone who never says no to you especially when you can’t say no to yourself. I want to lose weight and I’ll tell my husband not to buy me anymore sweets or salties. That lasts for a day or two when I really feel I almost need these things. My body is aching with craving, it makes my entire body thrum until I finally start the talk with hubby about getting me just these one or twos things. He always gives in. It’s frustrating.

I want to lose weight I know I am unhealthy and when you Doctor says to you even before you physical that you qualify for some kind of stomach surgery you know it’s bad. I can’t stop eating crap though. It’s not that I am lazy I walk almost daily and plan to move back into more when this flu is completely gone. I even mostly like healthy foods, specially raw fruits and veggies. I hate the fact that I just want to each tons of chocolate and cookies and chips and crackers. I feel so guilty afterwards, if I didn’t hate the feeling of being nauseated I swear I would become bulimic.  I likely will end up getting the lap-band once we got back to Omaha, I hope hubby learns to say no..

I want I want.. I want a better life, I want to be healthy, I want to feel beautiful.. I can say all this now until the next time I crave.. Ugh I don’t know what to do. It’s probably killing me..

Do You See What I See?

*might accidently spoil something for the show Black Box*

I watched the new show on television called Black Box. I expected to feel a multitude of feelings about the main character as she is bipolar. We tend to get defensive and critical about people playing the roles we ourselves experience in life.

I was mostly interested in her behavior as she went through multiple med withdrawals. Was it written so that people who weren’t bipolar could experience the extremes we go through. Possibly exaggerated in some cases? There were several places I wholeheartedly agreed with having felt before and had responded in similar manners. I am usually fairly quick to high if I miss my meds for a day. At one point I was taking them every other day and it would keep me in a constant state of Euphoria. It wore off though and then I just had days and days of depression.

Hyper sexuality I have experienced this one a great deal. I would think myself the most amazing sexy desirable woman and no one could look at me without wanting me, man or woman. I remember how powerful I felt. I guess one would say super human.

Dancing to the music in my head. I do this often. I also often make up songs about everything. Picture Jess from New Girl. I’m am very similar to her when I am hypo-manic. Without the goody two shoes thing. I’ve never been a good girl. I’m kind but I’m not good.

Hateful anger.. I used to have this a lot. Its one of the reasons I tried to kill myself once.. Over laundry.. seriously..

I don’t hallucinate like a lot of people do. I have smaller ones but perhaps that is because I am almost always partially medicated.

The show made me miss parts of myself that are gone, but it made me realize that there are reason I take medications and I need to continue to do it for myself and my family. (hubby, dogs and best friend).

Either way it was an interesting watch and I will likely watch more..

A poll though….

Today Was Interesting!!

Whoever said that interesting was a good term might have been a little confused. I had a couple things happen to me today. I spent most of the day pissy and weepy because of the first thing and kind of excited about the second thing.

Apparently my father married his long ass live-in girlfriend today.. Good for them. They deserve each other. I found out about this from my sister who found out from her daughter who found out from the girlfriends daughter-in-law on fucking Facebook.  My first reaction was to go on there and be a complete psychotic bitch about it. I’ve tried to keep a relationship with my father even though he has tried nothing in return. I was stunned and hurt and wanted to inflict that hurt on others.. I decided it was a waste of my time so I just stayed sullen and teary for several hours. Except for my sisters my family is fucking useless. USELESS!!! I’m done with them. I’m tired of caring about people who don’t care about me and their own selfish shit.

I always thought I would be a horrible daughter if my father passed away and I hadn’t seen him again. I think the only person it will hurt will be me. I’m used to guilt and I’ll deal with it when it happens, but I don’t see what else I can do. My closest sister is coming to see my in fall/winter and my daughter will come see me when she gets her shit together. Gawd I hope she does that soon. It makes my stomach ache thinking about the things she does..

How are we supposed to avoid stress when it is constantly bombarding us? We even make our own if there is nothing going on…

The good thing is that hubby went down and told the people we were leaving in the end of June. I’m happy about this.. I want to clarify even though I was slightly ranty yesterday my husband is doing this for me. So we can own a home and be stable, so there can be family there when he can’t be. So I’m not isolated and alone all the time. I worry about the other things but seriously he has put up with my crazy ass shit for 13+ years. I think he knows what would happen if he did something stupid. Something crazy… He wants to avoid the crazy. I start taking the lithium again tonight to keep from being crazy even though I still feel like shit..

I both feel sorry for and mad respect the people who put up with our shit.. They need medals just for that! I think I’ll design one.

On another good note, my girl reminded me about doing my fitnesspal with her so we could get in shape together. I am glad she did, I need the focus. I honestly just want to pack the entire house up right now..

Feeling Even Better.. Achooooo

Another day with no lithium and my flu is feeling better. The constant need to pee is almost gone and I sorta slept last night.

Tonight hubby went out to dinner with the people from work, it happens every 3 months or so and usually I can handle it ok. Tonight though he was at this incredible restaurant on the ocean and it looked so romantic. (He was taking pictures) it started setting off my insecurities. I’m going to voice them here because I know they are ridicuous but need to get them off my chest.

1) He is ‘seeing’ someone from work. This person lives in Omaha so that is why he even brought up us moving back there.

2) While saying that the move would be good for me, we will be spending less time to together. I worry he will be more out of touch.

3)I think he’s a god so everyone else will right?

honestly these things seem even more stupid typed out. It’s the way my brain works though. I think that if I get some therapy I will learn to realize that he loves me and that’s why he is nice to me not because he is guilty of some crime.

Super Sick, Super Happy

My flu has gotten worse of all damn things, I’m giving up the lithium until this thing is gone. Haven’t had a bug like this in years. It’s causing me a lot of problems without having to worry about driing a ton of water then peeing constantly so I can sleep/rest to get well. I just feel that bad.

in good news though we found out we get to move to Omaha at the end of June so we will be back in time for dah dah dah…. Fourth of July! The gathering of people we know combined with good food and fireworks!!! Yayyyyyyy

Can you tell I’m excited? As soon as hubby told me I ordered boxes and bubble wrap and started gathering things very slowly.. Basically I got two loads of laundry done then fell asleep watching Frozen cause it exhausted the hell out of me, but I am thrilled.

I’m sure mom in law will be even more thrilled. When she read the card she literally screamed. Wish I had thought to record that. Anyhow that was my days, toodles

Just A Short Post

I am still feeling pretty crappy so I am just gonna post some pictures from Vegas and one of my puppies.. They are all taken with the cell so not great quality but not bad either.005004009008


Ugh I Feel Like Dying

I woke up with a migraine from hell and have just been slowly going downhill. I have the flu I think.. I called the shrink about it since I just increased my dosage Saturday and I have this stupid flu, with fever and stomach pain and migraine and sniffles and coughing.. ugh.. I’ll hear back tomorrow if I need to worry… right now I am gonna go to sleep.

Sorry for the short post.