Here are some pictures of what i think are some beautiful area’s near us, Schramm Park and Platte River. I don’t feel much like writing today. Still wondering if it is the Lithium, I’ll give it a bit to adjust
Lithium May Be Bad
I am annoyed. No I’m beyond annoyed. Everything is ticking me off and I have no patience. I wanted to throw my laptop across the room because it isn’t loading properly. People are saying stupid ass shit, which makes me want to say mean ass shit. Grrrr.
I had a pleasant day earlier, went out grocery shopping and had lunch at olive garden. Then I bought a new cute pink purse and wallet. After that it all went to shit. Plus I think I am getting another head cold. So I don’t know what is setting me off.. Just general annoyance, lithium or who fricken knows.
Anyhow, can’t make a decision after one day whether lithium is for me, I just know I have to be careful because I am sensitive to medications..
Wish me luck I need it.
In The Middle of the Middle
I have no idea how I feel. I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m not happy, I’m not joy filled. I’m just in the middle of the middle.
Nothing happened today which is good, because if nothing happens, nothing bad happened.
I think I am a little frustrated and a little stressed because of the house.
I start the Lithium tonight, I am a little nervous but honestly I need to stop the spinning. Ok I am more than nervous I think I am terrified to try adding another medication in when honestly the last week has been pretty damned good.
New stuff always makes me fearful. I’ve been having a few more anxiety attacks lately then I was having before. I know it will pass and I have to just fight through it.
Fight, breathe, fight, breathe, fight…I can do it.
Shrink and House
Well I have some great news! We got the closing date on the house. So Feb 26th I probably won’t be posting that day or the next, but moving into a house and not having internet is a really good reason to not post. 😀 I’m absolutely thrilled that there is an end date finally.
I went to my shrink and we talked about trying topomax but because I am sensitive to medications she checked out interactions and apparently it interacts with two of the medications I am taking. So we talked about depakote, lamictal and lithium. I decided to try the lithium again. Depakote causes weight gain and I had a horrible time withdrawing from lamictal so this is where it stands.
Lithium worries me, but honestly I’m at a point where if I can stop the mood swings I am going to give it a try again. I was so depressed on it before I wouldn’t have been able to tell if it was working or not.
I’ll do the research I need to so I don’t mess it up and try not to stress about it.
Does anyone remember what some of the lithium interactions with regular meds are? thanks!
Stopping the Lithium
I am just getting more and more physically ill. This morning I actually threw up and frankly that is the last damn straw. Yes I am bipolar 1 and bat shit crazy but I would rather feel decent physically so I can concentrate on my mental health. I called the shrink and told him that I wanted off and I told my husband. My husband fully supports me going off it, he has seen my health declining and my mood still not where it is supposed to be.
Maybe now they will consider the ECT, if not I’ll wait until I get to Omaha and get a new pdoc. I promised hubby if I start to feel off I would let him know and we could discuss me going to the hospital if it gets bad. (which terrifies me but may be necessary). I’m frustrated with all these meds. I’m tired of always feeling like I am on the edge of some kind of bodily accident. *shudder*
I was going to post about a subject my husband and I were talking about last night. Actually it just sort of popped up as we were getting home from my picture taking. My therapy and need to deal with my past. I never really think about it bugging me. I have no problems mentioning the things that have happened and I am sure talking to a therapist they will figure out how to make it cathartic during therapy.
My husband said to me I’ve seen the way your family treats you now and I know that it was worse before, just from that you need some therapy. I suppose he’s right. I can talk about all the horrible things that have happened to me with indifference. That is probably not the healthy choice. I would not be surprised if I didn’t have some PTSD from the sexual abuses, rapes, physical assaults etc. I think I’ve just put up some kind of very thick skin about it rather than deal with it.
There’s a reason I have borderline personality disorder right? I am really looking forward to getting to the bottom of it.
Today I am cranky, well cranky is not the right word. I am on the edge is more accurate. I have no patience for anything or anyone. Even writing this blog is making my fingers and arms feel weird so I want to punch the monitor.
Is it the Lithium? I used to feel like this when I was manic. I don’t have anything else though except the physical feeling of annoyance. I can’t do my Lumosity and I can’t play games, I was packing but that was starting to annoy the shit out of me too.
I realize that I want to blame the Lithium for everything. I think it’s because I am afraid of it working and afraid of it not working. Since I am use to dealing with disappointment. Blame just seems easier.
I am 99% sure that it is causing the itching and tummy troubles. The emotional, while it doesn’t feel like myself maybe it is. I am so pissed off though and on the other hand I want to crawl under a blanket and make it my secret fort no one can get into. I have to keep taking the pills at least until tomorrow. What if these don’t work. I am running out of options. I want to feel good again.. I am so frustrated and this feels horrible.
I mean this annoyance is physical not just mental, I can feel it very clearly in both my arms. Sitting still for any reason is just not good.. so I am going to stop writing and try to do something constructive so I don’t lash out.
Ahh the word I am looking for is agitated.. I am agitated without cause!
Today I was feeling itchy and coughing like usual when I thought hey maybe this might be something the shrink should know. It might be because of the lithium right? Then I was writing a list so I wouldn’t forget anything kind of going over my body point by point and found this tender lump on my throat near my collar bone. That kind of freaked me out so I called the shrink right away, no answer. Paged him and he called me back but kind of politely gave me shit for using the paging for a non-emergency. Told me he would call me back later.
So I waited until 7:30pm and decided to go out to the pier and take my daily pictures. It was freaking cold, the waves were high and we ended up having to buy hoodies because I was wearing a tank and he was wearing a T-shirt. I don’t mind I can never have enough hoodies. We hung around for about an hour it was really nice. I am going to miss the ocean. I won’t miss the people here but that ocean I love to sit near it and think.
Anyhow I got home about 30 minutes ago and lo and behold the doctor calls. I shouldn’t be alarmed by the tummy issues and the itching, he is testing my blood on Thursday or Friday. I need to go see a doctor about the lump though, his best guess is it’s a swollen lymph-node but since he is not that kind of doctor and is talking by phone he didn’t really want to guess.
I don’t think Doctors realize how hard it is for an anxious person to go and get their blood taken when things in the tummy aren’t sitting right. I guess I’ll wait and I now have to go back to the walk-in to see someone. I really miss Omaha right now, where the doctors actually give a crap, you know?
Even paying 350.00 cash can’t make a doctor pretend to care here and this new one under insurance.. well I’d replace him if I wasn’t leaving in 35 days..
Yesterday was a pretty good day mood wise and today has been ok as well. I think this is what normal feels like? I am not over the top happy, but I’m not sad either. I could get used to it. Will it last? That’s the million dollar question isn’t it.
Today to take care of the need to cut all my hair off, I shaved my head up to behind my ears. That way when it is up it is a lot cooler and when it is down it hides it. Kind of a compromise. It’s weird to see blonde again, I’ve been every color but it for a very long time. Makes me wonder if I should let the red grow out. Meh who knows, it would definitely save me some time.
With the hay fever and maybe still a little of the withdrawal from the Viibryd or maybe the going up to 900mg of lithium my stomach is not happy. I just got back from the grocery store and thought that I might actually hurl in the aisle. Positive thing though I didn’t panic or run I just breathed through it. I also feel nauseated when I am hungry which honestly seems like the wrong response to hunger.
On a side note, I am making a video for my BFF, she says I am fearless so I am going to try and do something just that. I hope it turns out. If I like it then I will post it on the blog. If I don’t only she will see it and maybe hubby. I think it is funny that I am less shy with her about some things than my husband.
I called my shrink today to ask about my lithium and the strangest thing happened. He answered the phone. He was actually a pretty decent guy today maybe I am wrong about him. *shrug*
My Head Might Explode
My shrink called me last night finally. We decided to go off the Viibryd cold turkey and because my blood was so low to go up to 900mgs of lithium. I will start this Wednesday since my husband will be home and I hate increasing drugs when I am alone. The doctor told me I would have flu like symptoms, but since I have a sinus infection I just can’t get rid of I have more of a migraine and a body ache.
The sun is streaming in the window and I want to punch it in the face. I need a shower I have to wait for hubby to come home cause I am wobbly though. Last night I was just going to cut all my hair off, it’s a little below my shoulder blades. I thought I might shear myself like that sheep. I thought about it and didn’t do it though. Yet ,anyhow. I don’t want to be one of those fat old broads with short spikey hair. I would spike it. HA!
Today my creativity is all in a black swirling blob on the floor. I can’t think of anything to write on my other blog and here I just want to post about feeling like shit. I know its going to get worse. I know I am going to be alone for the worse of it.
On top of everything our house we rent out had some kind of damage done apparently during one of the wonderful storms Omaha is experiencing.. I want to move back there why? Oh ya home sick. Luckily hubby and insurance are taking care of it or it would stress me out, who am I kidding I’m still stressed out.
We drive home on the 25th of June with a short jaunt (2 day drive) to Texas to see my BFF. I am very excited about seeing her. I can’t wait to spend some time face to face with her.
I am however terrified of driving down tornado alley to get home. We are going to hit part of it regardless of the way things go. I hate tornadoes.
Sometimes it is hard for me to post because I only have a grade 8 education and feel inferior to everyone, I hate that.
Okay I am going to shut up now I realized that I am babbling.
Super Sick, Super Happy
My flu has gotten worse of all damn things, I’m giving up the lithium until this thing is gone. Haven’t had a bug like this in years. It’s causing me a lot of problems without having to worry about driing a ton of water then peeing constantly so I can sleep/rest to get well. I just feel that bad.
in good news though we found out we get to move to Omaha at the end of June so we will be back in time for dah dah dah…. Fourth of July! The gathering of people we know combined with good food and fireworks!!! Yayyyyyyy
Can you tell I’m excited? As soon as hubby told me I ordered boxes and bubble wrap and started gathering things very slowly.. Basically I got two loads of laundry done then fell asleep watching Frozen cause it exhausted the hell out of me, but I am thrilled.
I’m sure mom in law will be even more thrilled. When she read the card she literally screamed. Wish I had thought to record that. Anyhow that was my days, toodles