I’ve been really self involved these last few months. I haven’t posted at all and have been depressed a great deal. My BFF’s Birthday would be in 3 days and I spent hours going over her facebook today. I miss her. I miss my monkey, she was such a wonderful lovable spirited little pain in the ass.
Some things have been going good. I am spending a lot of time with my sister in law. It feel really good to have a sister so close to me. We hang out once a week. Actually I have a dinner with my mom-in-law and sister-in-law. Me and Kate usually end up hanging though. It’s always a lot of fun. Plus there is usually wine! lol.
I kind of feel like I am experiencing normalness and not hating it for a change. I just want some stability.
Today we went to the zoo. It was really nice and I hardly even got any anxiety.
Afterwards we went and had lunch and I basically just enjoyed the day. I am trying to think more positively and listen to my therapist about just enjoying being happy as opposed to always expecting the worst to happen.
I think even though I have had some hard times lately I have smiled more than I have in a long time. It would be nice if it keeps going….
Right now as they pack the last few things we own, my eyes are filled with tears and I feel not only sad but almost like a failure.
I failed to live in California. We have really enjoyed our time here the last few months. I am going to miss the weather and the ocean. I think I am almost going to miss the ocean more than anything else. I’ve never gone in it but loved to sit by its edge and watch the waves rolling in.
I suppose once we get to Omaha I will find something new to do but for today I am sad. I won’t miss this fucking apartment though that’s for sure 😛
First off thank you for this. 500 Likes is rather amazing. It makes me feel that I am not only writing how I feel but others can relate. Plus today is my 160th post. WoW!
Second off my Bestie suggested that I think about the positive things that are coming from the move to help with my stress.
So in list form though in no particular order.
I will be able to experience weather again
I am not embarrassed to go out and do things
I have family
I am moving closer to my BFF
I am going to be buying a home
I get to have another puppy
I get to travel through some beautiful places
I get to go to a place that feels like home.
Okay that is some positive. A lot actually. I am looking forward to the move and I think that it’s just the stress of change that so effects us bipolars that is hitting me. My husband has been wonderful and supportive trying to alleviate as much stress as possible. My BFF has been there for me even though she has been having some stress and depression of her own. I have a wonderful support system here on wordpress as well. much love.
I’ve found myself depressed for the last 3 days. One of the reasons is I am incredibly stressed out. My husband and I talked both last night and today about the ECT. I thought I had decided to wait until we went to Omaha, it seemed logical. I am sure there is emotional reasons for putting it off as well. My husband thinks I am afraid it won’t work. I suppose that’s true.
Today he offered to talk to his work and I made an appt. for the consultation tomorrow to see if we could do it before we left. I thought it might be ideal. However then I started questioning myself. Am I doing it because I want to do it or because I want him to stay here in CA with me. I honestly don’t know.
We went out to the Marina to lay in the sun and take my daily pictures when I posed these questions to him. I have a very hard time expressing myself emotionally and right now I don’t know what to do. So I am going to wait. I’m going to do nothing.
I don’t want him to leave but I am under so much stress with the move and other things that my body is telling me to chill the fuck out. I think I will. Him leaving isn’t going to be joyful by any means but I don’t want to settle on ECT now and somehow regret it later for doing it for the wrong reasons.
Ya I am mostly also being a chicken shit. I think that under these circumstances it’s ok. I don’t like being pressured and that is what I am feeling on all sides. It’s not good for my health. The option to do it once we moved seems like the best thing for me right now. This way my husband will be able to stay with me on the days I get it done when we move home. Here it would have been harder.
While it might seem like I am arguing with myself with this blog, I’m not. Maybe I am. I just know that I think it’s best to wait for whatever reasons I’m not ready now.
Seriously I keep going downhill then uphill than downhill, you get the picture. Today I have wanted to say a very vulgar word to people more than 30 times. I don’t use the C-word. If you don’t know what it is I’m not typing it either.
I am not finding joy in anything. I did laugh once but it was because of a hilarious shirt. Mostly I just want to punch people in the neck.
I only got four hours of sleep. I tried everything but I could not sleep and I don’t want to do anything so I just basically lay there fuming for hours.
I don’t know how to deal with the depression. I have no help. The shrink I saw hasn’t called me in over a week and I know if I call him and ask about something for the depression I am not going to get any assistance. I know I made the right choice going off the lithium because I feel 100% better physically and emotionally no different, well except the depression which is not related anyhow.
Why did he have to be a big fat lying sack of shit? Why can’t doctors want what is best for you? Why do I even give a shit about it? I don’t but I am pissed and need to focus.
Depression and Anger what a fine combination for doing stupid things. I have to be careful and watch myself and hope that this passes faster than it has in the past. If I am still feeling like this when hubby goes on his trip I have no idea what I will do.. God I don’t even want to think about it.
Gotta focus on the prize.. Leaving in 24 days, I can do it right? I can handle this I think, I think. Ugh I dunno.. fuck.
Also I did get one piece of good news yesterday which may be related to the grouchiness. I am going to have my ECT meeting this week. I want to do it but I am nervous.. that tends to make me super bitchy. Why is it that positive change always brings me down. I’m my own worse enemy.
And no not like Joey from Blossom Woe, the sad bitter want to stay in bed all day why the fuck did I wake up woes.
I feel like shit emotionally. I realized during a chat today that my supposed shrink never called me back when I called him to tell I was stopping the lithium. No leaving a message saying hey you should try something else, nothing. Why do I get so unlucky with shrinks? A fucking mood disorder clinic and I get the a resident who doesn’t give a fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Why can’t I have more control over my depression. I can be logical with myself about it but I just feel hopeless regardless of the pep talk that I give myself. I wish that I enjoyed being drunk but I hate the way it feels and for once I don’t feel like eating. That’s something isn’t it? Too bad starving yourself is just as bad as force-feeding yourself.
I keep worrying about the Omaha thing not happening, because I don’t deserve to be happy and this is making the anxiety worse. I know it is unrealistic but it’s absolutely terrifying. It’s something I think about every day. No matter what my mood it pops it’s ugly head up constantly. The depression is making it much much worse, which I didn’t think was possible.
The depression is getting bad and I can tell because I am listening to happy and not even tapping a toe. This song could make a dead person dance.. fuck …
Whoever said that interesting was a good term might have been a little confused. I had a couple things happen to me today. I spent most of the day pissy and weepy because of the first thing and kind of excited about the second thing.
Apparently my father married his long ass live-in girlfriend today.. Good for them. They deserve each other. I found out about this from my sister who found out from her daughter who found out from the girlfriends daughter-in-law on fucking Facebook. My first reaction was to go on there and be a complete psychotic bitch about it. I’ve tried to keep a relationship with my father even though he has tried nothing in return. I was stunned and hurt and wanted to inflict that hurt on others.. I decided it was a waste of my time so I just stayed sullen and teary for several hours. Except for my sisters my family is fucking useless. USELESS!!! I’m done with them. I’m tired of caring about people who don’t care about me and their own selfish shit.
I always thought I would be a horrible daughter if my father passed away and I hadn’t seen him again. I think the only person it will hurt will be me. I’m used to guilt and I’ll deal with it when it happens, but I don’t see what else I can do. My closest sister is coming to see my in fall/winter and my daughter will come see me when she gets her shit together. Gawd I hope she does that soon. It makes my stomach ache thinking about the things she does..
How are we supposed to avoid stress when it is constantly bombarding us? We even make our own if there is nothing going on…
The good thing is that hubby went down and told the people we were leaving in the end of June. I’m happy about this.. I want to clarify even though I was slightly ranty yesterday my husband is doing this for me. So we can own a home and be stable, so there can be family there when he can’t be. So I’m not isolated and alone all the time. I worry about the other things but seriously he has put up with my crazy ass shit for 13+ years. I think he knows what would happen if he did something stupid. Something crazy… He wants to avoid the crazy. I start taking the lithium again tonight to keep from being crazy even though I still feel like shit..
I both feel sorry for and mad respect the people who put up with our shit.. They need medals just for that! I think I’ll design one.
On another good note, my girl reminded me about doing my fitnesspal with her so we could get in shape together. I am glad she did, I need the focus. I honestly just want to pack the entire house up right now..
Another day with no lithium and my flu is feeling better. The constant need to pee is almost gone and I sorta slept last night.
Tonight hubby went out to dinner with the people from work, it happens every 3 months or so and usually I can handle it ok. Tonight though he was at this incredible restaurant on the ocean and it looked so romantic. (He was taking pictures) it started setting off my insecurities. I’m going to voice them here because I know they are ridicuous but need to get them off my chest.
1) He is ‘seeing’ someone from work. This person lives in Omaha so that is why he even brought up us moving back there.
2) While saying that the move would be good for me, we will be spending less time to together. I worry he will be more out of touch.
3)I think he’s a god so everyone else will right?
honestly these things seem even more stupid typed out. It’s the way my brain works though. I think that if I get some therapy I will learn to realize that he loves me and that’s why he is nice to me not because he is guilty of some crime.
My flu has gotten worse of all damn things, I’m giving up the lithium until this thing is gone. Haven’t had a bug like this in years. It’s causing me a lot of problems without having to worry about driing a ton of water then peeing constantly so I can sleep/rest to get well. I just feel that bad.
in good news though we found out we get to move to Omaha at the end of June so we will be back in time for dah dah dah…. Fourth of July! The gathering of people we know combined with good food and fireworks!!! Yayyyyyyy
Can you tell I’m excited? As soon as hubby told me I ordered boxes and bubble wrap and started gathering things very slowly.. Basically I got two loads of laundry done then fell asleep watching Frozen cause it exhausted the hell out of me, but I am thrilled.
I’m sure mom in law will be even more thrilled. When she read the card she literally screamed. Wish I had thought to record that. Anyhow that was my days, toodles