I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful home. I want for nothing. I’m so miserable it’s giving me headaches and body aches. I find it difficult to smile or be involved in anything. I’m easily overwhelmed and just feel horrible.
I am lucky to have someone who supports me and wants to be happy but I wish I could be better for him and I feel guilty that I don’t feel better.
Life sucks right now.
I have a perfect husband with a perfect house and perfect pets. I never want for anything. Yet dragging my ass out of bed when I wake up is super hard. Trying to get motivated to do anything is impossible and I cry at the drop of a hat. There’s no reason I shouldn’t be happy, but I’m so the opposite of happy it isn’t even funny. I hate depression. I dream of a day of happiness again.
I’m kind of grumpy though I am not letting hubby know that I am feeling that way because I don’t want him to feel guilty about going on his trip. This will be the longest time we’ve been apart since we’ve been together in the states. The bed will be cold and lonely.
Today I’ve just been sitting around him a lot and hugging the hell out of him whenever I can!
Other than that I am just not a happy camper, but I am trying to enjoy our last night together. So I won’t be writing here any longer today.
I wrote this poem some time ago for my other blog, but I decided that if I honestly can’t think of things to say, I’ll post some of my writings. Enjoy
I heard a train and it made me think,
About dying in a way that’s kind of unique.
Just lay on the tracks, maybe take a sleep,
Eyes closed tight as the horn goes meep meep.
I think it would be fast and my emotions would hurt less,
However I think there’d be a hell of a mess..
Not suicidal just a quick thought.
I have had a lot of bottom problems and vomiting and the inability to want to eat anything. If I smoke weed I can eat. However this is yet another weedless day.
I’ve been avoiding it, hoping it would fix itself but now I’ve actually made the Dr’s appt to get checked out on Monday. I likely won’t learn anything then but getting the ball rolling is what I need to do.
I may be terrified of people but I’m more terrified of dying and for a depressed person to say that means I still got some fight..
Tomorrow is my shrink appt so Fists up.
I noticed the year that I wrote my blog every day I felt more I guess free would be the word.
Lately I’ve started to fall into my depressive stumblings, where I do nothing but lay on the couch all day counting the minutes until hubby gets home. Nothing changes when he gets here mind you. He goes on his computer and I usually watch the same shows I do every night.
I feel like every day is a circle. I just keep doing the same thing every single day. Get up, get high, wait for hubby, mix repeat.
I’m hoping if I start writing again that I will be able to find a small break in the circle and find some freedom again.
I’ve been really self involved these last few months. I haven’t posted at all and have been depressed a great deal. My BFF’s Birthday would be in 3 days and I spent hours going over her facebook today. I miss her. I miss my monkey, she was such a wonderful lovable spirited little pain in the ass.
Some things have been going good. I am spending a lot of time with my sister in law. It feel really good to have a sister so close to me. We hang out once a week. Actually I have a dinner with my mom-in-law and sister-in-law. Me and Kate usually end up hanging though. It’s always a lot of fun. Plus there is usually wine! lol.
I kind of feel like I am experiencing normalness and not hating it for a change. I just want some stability.
I’m so lonely. I want to go out and do things and have fun. I’m tired of being in the house by myself all the time. I feel like I am going crazy.
I think trying to bury my head in weed over my friends impending death was a mistake. I’ve just spend every single day high and stagnant. Today I am not going to do that dammit.
Today I cried over watching someone doing something outside on TV. There is nothing to walk to here and I don’t drive though so I don’t know what to do.
How do I stop feeling so lonely?
Today I woke up anxious, sad and very angry. Like punch someone in the face angry. I realised I was having a manic day after my one good mood day. Frustrating to say the least. I screamed and cried and fought the urge to hit someone and eventually it passed. I tried to think of more positive things to bring myself to a better mood. It worked today anyhow.
At least until tonight when I was trying to watch the walking dead. The mood is set, the surround sound on and the lights turned off. You have to watch it wtihout questioning, you just let yourself sink into the show and lose it. I was doing just that when MIL starts questioning everything. It really took me out of the mood and ruined the rest of the show for me and as you know, it was an emotional night if you are watching.
2 weeks, 4 days to go….
Last night I started to feel blue. Just a little sad. There was no reason for it so I know my bipolar depression was trying to slam it’s heaad through the door.
Sometimes I can just sleep it off. However this morning I woke up twice as sad and I’m feeling very hopeless. I think I will just go back to bed. I see no reason to be awake and spend all day alone and miserable.