Hi guys it’s been a while since I’ve written.
Lately all I can do is think about death. I’m afraid of so many things. Trump starting world war 3, getting older and being more at risk for illnesses. I’m terrified. There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do or think about that makes me feel any better either. I suppose it’s a good thing that I am afraid of death, I at least won’t be killing myself. Even with the almost constant depression.
I thought maybe writing about it might help, but it’s not.
I also have the damn flu which is giving me anxiety. I swear if it wasn’t for Xanax I would fall apart completely.
It’s just one of those days where I’m moody and kind of have the blues. I don’t know why. I finally have my husband to myself after the father in law visit. Which ended weird in a good way. He told me he loved me. It was nice to hear just something I never expected to you know. Sure it’s a shitty paragraph but I don’t feel like splitting it up into bigger sentences.
The visit went well, I survived Christmas Eve and Christmas without anything bad happening. I think I also mentioned I did it stone cold sober and weedless. I’m actually kind of proud of myself for that.
Death is scaring me again. It just keeps popping in my head that we’re all gonna die and there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it. It’s overwhelming honestly.
Today I have had two panic attacks so far. These are the panic attacks I am used to where I can’t seem to catch my breath and I have to concentrate so I don’t hyperventilate.
I’m feeling lonely even though hubby is right here and we’ve been hanging out today. We watched an entire anime together. I don’t know why I feel that way I just do.
Did I mention I got stoned to try and feel better and it’s not even helping this time. True blechness.
Today is the year anniversary of my best friends death. She was the most amazing person. She always made me want to be another person. I miss her so much. So fucking much. I wish she was here to kick my ass. I only had one friend and now she is gone.
I woke up sad. The last couple of days I have been dragging my ass out of bed when I wake up after staying there for way longer than I should. I looked around my house and didn’t want to do a thing. I curled up on the couch and read Facebook.
I miss my weed right now. It makes me numb, instead I’ve been crying. I mean I have reasons and then the additional depression but I don’t want to feel sad feelings.
How can I be happy? It’s a valid question I have no answer to!
I wrote this poem some time ago for my other blog, but I decided that if I honestly can’t think of things to say, I’ll post some of my writings. Enjoy
I heard a train and it made me think,
About dying in a way that’s kind of unique.
Just lay on the tracks, maybe take a sleep,
Eyes closed tight as the horn goes meep meep.
I think it would be fast and my emotions would hurt less,
However I think there’d be a hell of a mess..
Not suicidal just a quick thought.
As you may know my best friend died not too very long ago. Yet in the past two weeks I have also lost my 4 year old yorkie Ren and my Grandmother.
Ren was my baby. It was a tumor that came on suddenly and there was nothing anyone could do as it was interwoven with all her organs. I loved that little girl so much. People who consider their animals their children can empathize with this I’m sure. It’s left a painful hole in my heart.
My Grandmother’s passing was not as much of a shock but it made me realize that if I don’t make some changes in my life I am going to have a lot of regrets. I haven’t seen a lot of my family in over 14 years, her included. All because I was too afraid to go through the steps that allowed me to enter Canada.
I have to renew my green card and when I do I am also going to make sure as hell that I can go over the border to see my family asap.
I have always been superstitious about the power of three. This has only made it stronger. 3 females in my life dying from cancer within months and days of each other how can I not?
When the grieving stops, the healing and changes will begin.. wait and see.
Every Monday I have my sister in law, mother in law and a friend of the family all over for taco night. We play some games, eat some tacos and have a generally good time.
I’m glad I am doing it today because I am feeling really lonely.
I remember my best friend saying I could contact her whenever I was feeling lonely. Yet she’s gone and I’m here and I’m lonely.
It seems to be even harder after a good weekend with my husband. I’m glad I chose Mondays for this.
I didn’t write all weekend cause I was having a good time with hubby enjoying life. We walked and talked and hung out.
Being pretty much housebound during the day is wearing thin on me. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. I think that I’ve said that like a million times.
All I do is smoke and try to take the edge off of my stress about doing nothing.
I’m so jealous of people with jobs or school or real hobbies. I mean ya I paint but my creativity has been shit lately too.
Sounds like depression to you? I know I am still having feelings about my friend dying but it seems to be leaking into everything. I am just sad and bored.
I feel like I should be just feeling grateful for what I do have and sucking it up. So you can add guilty to the feelings I have too.
After my best friend died I really felt no want or need to write. I just kept myself in a self-medicated stupor hoping to forget that it had happened. Am I still self-medicating? Yup! I’m not perfect and smoking a bowl helps me relax and clouds my mind from the pain. I’ll stop eventually.
I am feeling very frustrated about life in general. Some might think that it is glorious to not have a job and stay home all day. I’m not one of those people. I am so fucking bored. Which makes me miss my best friend even more dammit. I have no idea what to do with myself.
My pills have sucked at my creativity and I don’t drive. I’m afraid to go walking by myself and the closest I get to going out most days is sitting on the front porch. I need more. I want more. Both of those statements are equally true.
Anyhow I am seriously thinking about coming back to at least writing every day.. We’ll see..
At around 3:30am Saturday morning my best friend lost her fight with cancer. It doesn’t feel real and when it does all I can do is cry. My head just keeps popping to things I would talk to her about and I know I won’t be able to ever again. Ever. Like that’s it, shows over. I will be alone.
I know that seems like a weird thing to say because I have a wonderful husband but she is the one that kept my shit on track and I never got mad at her once for saying how she really felt I was being, feeling, doing etc.
I now have 0 friends.
It hurts so much I can’t even describe it. Feels like someone is tearing at my soul. That’s the best I can do to try to explain.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do now.
Lately I have been depressed as you know because my friend is dying. It’s taken most my energy to just get out of bed most days. It’s getting a little better as I am trying to accept it. I can’t imagine what it will be like when she actually passes.
Yesterday I was reminded just how much a miracle life is. Really it was something so simple and you may even think it is dumb but it touched my heart. A little baby robin was sitting in this little pile of dirt just outside of our backdoor. We watched it as it kept flexing it’s wings and along came mama with a worm and fed her baby. I’d never seen this in real life. It just gave me an aww moment.
I should be reflecting on how for the most part my life is really good.
Losing your best and only friend should never have to happen though and I’m having a hard time with it. However I’m glad that I can still feel joy over the little things. It means there is hope.