Being pretty much housebound during the day is wearing thin on me. I’m not really sure what to do with myself. I think that I’ve said that like a million times.
All I do is smoke and try to take the edge off of my stress about doing nothing.
I’m so jealous of people with jobs or school or real hobbies. I mean ya I paint but my creativity has been shit lately too.
Sounds like depression to you? I know I am still having feelings about my friend dying but it seems to be leaking into everything. I am just sad and bored.
I feel like I should be just feeling grateful for what I do have and sucking it up. So you can add guilty to the feelings I have too.
This sucks.
A Bipolars Reality 
I’m not sure why you’re housebound but sometimes I find if I do a little exercise it boosts me a little. Even just picking up a couple of cans and doing some movement with them in the air. Put on some music and maybe you will feel better.
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Please be kind and loving to your spirit. We all grieve in our own way and our own time. There is no right or wrong. Please don’t deny your spirit the right to grieve. If you don’t allow the process to take it’s course, you will most likey never heal.
While i am not agoraphobic, i have often felt safer in the cover of darkness. I have been through periods of time in which i would do anything to not have to go out during the day. If i had no choice but to brave the light of day, i would pray for a magic potion which could make me invisible. It is something that comes and goes. I have never understood it. I wish i had some great words of wisdom for you but all i have to offer is a shoulder to cry on and as many hugs as you need. I went through the loss of a best friend in 2011. I literally wanted to die. We had lost two foster kids in 2010. They were with us for 22 months and we were promised first dibs on adoption. DFCS lied. They were given to a rich family. This friend was there for me during the long nights. Nights in which death kept calling my name. My pain had a hold on body, mind and soul. I literally felt it in my gut. Just as i started to come through to the other side of darkness, i lost Mo. She had been my rock. It has been four years since I lost Mo and sometimes the tears sneak in from nowhere.
I wish my arms could reach across space and distance and wrap themselves around you to give you a gentle hug.
Maybe you could take some classes online. Perhaps that might give you something to feel good about. Just a thought. I wish i had some answers for you. Please be as kind and compassionate to yourself as you are to others.
Gentle hugs heading your way.
Leah
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