Month: July 2016

Family N Stuff

Today we spent the afternoons at my mother in laws so that we could celebrate my nephews birthday. It was alright. Things felt different with my sis-in-law. I wonder if that will change once things are reintroduced or if I am just being hyper sensitive. I mean it could honestly be either.

It was a nice afternoon though sitting out by the lake and catching more pokemon. Can seriously do that just about anywhere.

Had some food and played cards with my little nephew. Got me out of the house anyhow.


Everything Is Coming Up Normal

Today has been a pretty laid back normal Saturday. I’ve been watching the last season of Pretty Little Liars and am planning to go out to do some Pokemon stuff in a little bit.

Last night was amazing, we got to watch the fireworks from Gretna days from our front porch. It was like they were lighting them just for us. I loved it.

Sadly when I am having a normal day there isn’t much to write about but I guess that’s a very good thing.

I Did It

Last night I went to Gretna Days, which is basically a little fair our tiny town has. It was small which was a perfect introduction to being around people. We had some fair food and watched the people enjoying the rides and games. I like to people watch. I’m quite proud of myself.

Honestly though that Pokemon Go is what is really getting me out of the house. It really distracts me from my social anxiety and allows me to enjoy the outdoors and exercise. Things I need.

Last night I found some weed that had fallen back in a drawer it was just enough for me to get stoned and I admit it felt awesome. I don’t want to go back to doing it every day again though, I think that’s the reason I ended up where I am.

Gonna enjoy things while I can.

Is Depression Better?

Today I have felt a multitude of feelings and I don’t like it! I was calm and accepting of everything when I was depressed. Maybe it seemed like I didn’t care but I was just kind of chill about everything going on around me. Now I have feelings about everything.

Was supposed to hang out with my SiL Saturday and she ended up posting on facebook about going to a concert. Kind of felt like a punch in the stomach. I don’t like that at all. Things got worked out and I explained to her that my feelings were hurt. That’s the problem when you let people into your life. They have the ability to make you feel things. When it was just me and hubby I was mostly happy, not much made me feel angry or hurt. Now everything feels like I am feeling it 100% stronger than ever before.

The numbness of depression just seems to be easier you know.

On a maybe positive note we are having gretna days, which is our little fair and I really want to go so maybe I actually will. We’ll see when 5:00 rolls around.

Today I Am Pissed

My SiL had my nephews birthday and we weren’t invited. In fact I’ve barely seen her lately. I’m pissed off and hurt about it. She promised she would never stop asking me to go places yet we were left out of a family thing.

WTF, just wtf.

I always care more about people than they care about me. Maybe I’m being over the top but since my little green friend is gone, so is she… fuck… just fuck… I miss her.


Day 2 Of Feeling Better

Like I said I hate to say I’m feeling good in case I’ll jinx it. Anyone who suffers from depression can understand that I think.

Tonight we went walking in a park for a while, it was quite lovely and the temps were starting to drop. I mean the heat that’s been going on has been leaving people trapped in air conditioned homes. It’s funny when 78 degrees is considered cool.

I’m hoping I get the nerve to go places where there are more people soon, but the fact that I have gotten out every day for the last three days is awesome. Once again proving my husband might possibly be right about the pot. I really hope he’s wrong and I’m just super lucky right now. That’s kind of stupid isn’t it? Kind of, actually completely fucking stupid. I’d rather smoke weed then be happy. I just miss how relaxed I felt and how it made the day pass faster. I’ll have to quit completely if he is right though. I know I am not a once in a while kind of girl. It’s called an addictive personality. Pot may not be addictive but I can’t seem to have it in my house without smoking it.

We’ll see what the next 2.5 weeks hold.

More Outside Time

Tonight I went and explored our downtown whilst hunting pokemon. It was nice to get out. It’s a really small town so it’s this super cute older looking downtown. Got me out walking and I caught some brand new pokemon I haven’t caught yet.

My mood has been good today. I hate saying that so much. It makes me worry about the depression that will rear it’s ugly head at some point instead of just enjoying myself. I worry about worrying I worry so much. Is’t that quite the sentence.

I almost missed writing my blog. almost.. I made it though.


I Did More Stuff

Today I went out of the house to catch pokemon and get some keys made at a store. I apparently really needed to get out of the house because when hubby suggested it I jumped on that train. hehe.

Going into the store to get keys made was actually my idea and I took a picture of us outside for my Facebook.

I’m also showing an interest in all the things I have been DVRing for months.

I’m still not physically feeling great but I got to ignore it which was nice for a while.

Maybe I am coming out of my depression, maybe hubby was right. I so hope not, I hate telling him he’s right. I like being right lol.

I Did Stuff

I actually feel physically crappy but I managed to do the dishes and laundry. I can never tell where I am emotionally when my body is being a dick.

I am also really damn fidgety it’s hard to just relax you know?

Is it mania? possibly .. I have am definitely experiencing a  lot of emotions.  I bawled my ass off today after watching some videos. I had a real reason to cry but I rarely do so it came as a shock, which just made me sob all the harder. I think it was cathartic though.

I really am missing my family right now. Especially my daughter and grandson. I wonder if I’ll ever get to meet him face to face and it hurts to think that I may not because of my stupid fears.

Being afraid all the time is so taxing.

Waiting For Fall

Today I just want to say that I can’t wait for Autumn. I love the crisp air, the earthy smells and Halloween. It’s still a couple months away but I get excited thinking about it.

Right now it’s so damn hot you can’t leave your house for a walk. I can’t collect pokemon. So I’m feeling trapped. If I don’t leave my house that should be my choice, not the weathers.. dammit.

What I forgot to report is last Saturday we went out to my MiL and went out on the boat and had a BBQ and I was pretty good on the anxiety front. It helps when the people you are surrounded with make you feel loved.  I relaxed some so I guess it is possible for me to leave my anxious state. Now if I can just channel that.

It’s the weekend so I will at least stop being so lonely for a couple of days.