This and the last post are closer than I’ve been in a long while. The wellbutrin has me motivated I suppose. I’m not unhappy. Still terrified of everything. It seems like all I can do is think of the worst scenario for anything. My brain never goes to the positive side.
I did walk to the mail box by myself today though. So that’s a huge accomplishment, specially when I have the flu. I did think a lot of negative things on the way there. Often times if keeps me from going though and this time it did not. This gives me some hope for myself and freedom from this prison I’ve created for myself. Tonight’s also the first time I’ve been high in a week. Which was a choice not because I ran out! I’m getting better at being recreational.
I actually feel physically crappy but I managed to do the dishes and laundry. I can never tell where I am emotionally when my body is being a dick.
I am also really damn fidgety it’s hard to just relax you know?
Is it mania? possibly .. I have am definitely experiencing a lot of emotions. I bawled my ass off today after watching some videos. I had a real reason to cry but I rarely do so it came as a shock, which just made me sob all the harder. I think it was cathartic though.
I really am missing my family right now. Especially my daughter and grandson. I wonder if I’ll ever get to meet him face to face and it hurts to think that I may not because of my stupid fears.
I guess this will take a while for me to make it a habit. My alarm didn’t go off cause somebody shut the sound off on my iPad. That somebody would be me. 😦
Today has been uneventful so far, other than the ass kicking I gave myself for missing my blog. Shit happens, need to not dwell on it.
Today I bought some bracelets that support Saving Sea Turtles. I love turtles, I collect them actually. They remind me of myself. Sometimes I hide away in my armor too. Plus they are super cute.
Don’t think that we are doing Family Dinner tonight. I suppose that’s okay. Though I need to talk to MiL as I want her to sleep over for a few nights in June. Hubby has to travel and I hate to be alone. Daytime is bad enough honestly. Multiple days is really difficult. Nothing I can do though.
I woke up this morning feeling slightly better physically but my brain is being a real asshole. I had 3 panic attacks in 2 hours. I honestly thought that I would be able to get past all that. When I was non medicated I didn’t have as many panic attacks. In fact most days I was able to go out and do something, somewhere.
I did take my dogs outside and walked to the mailbox. So something was accomplished today.
I’ve been what I call broken for a very long time. However I have peeks of sun through the clouds and am able to muster the courage to step outside of my home and live life.
When we decided to move back to Omaha from California something remarkable happened. I started going out to the beaches, museums and parks (not theme parks). I felt like a normal person for a change and as I did more and more the anxiety started to become part of the foreground. When we got back to Omaha this continued for a while. Restaurants were a breeze. Shopping, hell ya.. Anything seemed possible.
Once we moved into our house I stopped going out less and less and now even the thought of going to my mother in laws is stressful. We have to go there tomorrow and I’m going no matter how afraid I am.
The thing is I don’t want to be this way but just taking a step outside creates anxiety. I try to walk to the mailbox which is about half a block away so I am not a complete shut in. I go to walk-in clinics for my problems because they are open at night and are typically pretty empty.
The night comforts me. It’s like a mask over everything I’m afraid of.
What am I afraid of, I don’t really know anymore. I just know that I am afraid all the time now.
Time to start exposure therapy again. Maybe this time it will stick. One step at a time…
I got to see my BFF again and it was absolutely wonderful to be able to hug her and tell her I love her. I can’t wait to see her again, it’s the only thing that made this trip worth it to be perfectly honest.
I’m highly stressed right now about travelling home. I can’t wait to leave in the morning but the traffic here is frightening. Plus there may be snow and ice when we hit Nebraska again. That makes my tummy hurt big time.
Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be writing this saying I got home safe and sound. For now I am going to try and relax and mentally prepare for the trip home and being able to sleep tonight.
I did go out to dinner tonight so I did accomplish something at least…
Sometimes it’s good to say no to yourself and talk yourself out of things. Like last night at 3am I woke up and wanted candy corn so I went half asleep stumbling down the stairs to grab a handful. I felt guilty about it all day. It was my first cheat on my diet. I know it wont be my last but I realize it will happen again. I’ve been pretty good though.
Saying no to myself because of fear or anxiety is such a bad idea though. Every time I get nervous I want to not do something. For example I got a little nervous about going to lunch yesterday and today yet I went out both days. I decided my anxiety isn’t going to control me anymore.
Tomorrow night will be the true test when I go out to one of the Halloween events that are going on around Omaha. There are several and I am going to one no matter how hard it is. Even if it is the one I am familiar with. I have to keep moving forward. Life is short and I won’t say no to myself anymore.
Well unless it is about food. No sugar, no caffeine, no high fats…
Time to say yes to being in shape and being sexy and liking myself.
Time to say yes to going out and not caring what others think.
I am always afraid of death. It haunts me. Yet I’ve had physicals, ekg’s and even genetic testing. I ‘should’ live to a decent age. Maybe it is time to stop being afraid and time to start living?
I want to enjoy my life. I want to explore the world, even if it is the small world that I live in. I want to try new things and stop living in fear of my anxiety. I am going to the haunted house on Monday night and I am going to invite my husband to a movie this weekend.
I am going to stop being afraid. I am going to enjoy the life I have and if something happens. I will deal with it.
I think I might need to start a new blog just for posting the writing challenges. While I am writing about things in my life I want to keep the focus on my daily life. I’ve felt creative lately though and adore challenges.
I’ve been very manic the last few days, not in a good way either. An example of this is last night I was craving cookies and corn chips. Now when I say corn chips I mean Frito Lay corn chips. My husband was kind enough to set off to the store and get me some snacks, he is such a sweety. However he came home with some regular nacho chips. Which he insisted were corn chips. Technically I suppose so, but his reasoning was not enough for me not to go off on a screaming rant about what real corn chips were. I swear if any overheard they would think I was crazy. I was furious. We each went off into separate rooms.
Once I sat down I realize I was manic and needed to apologize but I knew if I walked back into the computer room at that moment I would just go off on him again. So I sent a text apologizing and just chilled for about 30 mins or so to calm down.
The positive thing about it is I realized what was going on and removed my self from the situation. The bad thing is I insulted the love of my life, who had just done me a favor. I hate the guilt but I damn well deserve it 😦