I guess this will take a while for me to make it a habit. My alarm didn’t go off cause somebody shut the sound off on my iPad. That somebody would be me. 😦
Today has been uneventful so far, other than the ass kicking I gave myself for missing my blog. Shit happens, need to not dwell on it.
Today I bought some bracelets that support Saving Sea Turtles. I love turtles, I collect them actually. They remind me of myself. Sometimes I hide away in my armor too. Plus they are super cute.
Don’t think that we are doing Family Dinner tonight. I suppose that’s okay. Though I need to talk to MiL as I want her to sleep over for a few nights in June. Hubby has to travel and I hate to be alone. Daytime is bad enough honestly. Multiple days is really difficult. Nothing I can do though.
My mood today has been both up and down. My anxiety seems to be worse than it has been. I am not sure if it is the pristiq or just the fact that there are a lot of stressful things going on right now.
My MIL brings up packing every single day and it is starting to stress me out about doing it. I have a plan in place and it’s really not any of her buisness how I plan on doing it, but there is something said that makes me want to pull my hair out. Today her suggestion was to pack up and put our stuff in the garage. No flipping way that garage is gross I don’t want my stuff sitting out there getting moist and stinky.
I went to lunch today even though my anxiety wanted me to run the other way. I was uncomfortable the whole time and really couldn’t eat. The pristiq seems to be changing the way I feel hunger and the way I want to eat. Actually for the better cause I don’t get as hungry and can’t seem to eat all my food. So maybe I’ll start losing weight again.
Either way tomorrow will be interesting. It will prove if the being alone is really influencing my depression. I hope not cause there is no changing it.
Today has been a most excellent day. My mood has been up and hubby was really romantic.
I recieved a beautiful ring along with breakfast in bed this morning. Then a few hour cuddle while we watched one of my favorite animes. Later we came downstairs and watched a zombie movie and then went shopping for appliances at Best Buy and grabbed some drive thru. After eating we went back upstairs and kept cuddling while we watched yet another anime. I even got a backrub.
We had planned on not celebrating so it was all a very nice surprise.
I hope you all had great days.
I think the pristiq might actually be helping.
I did find out that my MIL had my twitter account opened on her ipad. I hope that she doesn’t read my blog because I love her and I have bitched quite a bit about her on here to save therapy money.
I’m not going to worry about it for now, I am just going to enjoy the rest of my night with my hubby.
It’s been a very busy day and I almost forgot to take my pills and do my blog for the day. I think I would have been angry at myself had that happened.
Today I was in a good mood. I spent a lot of time out of the house. We had lunch and went shopping for some furniture for the house. I gotta admit I loved the thrill of shopping period, let alone knowing how we were decorating the houes early.
We also took mom in law shopping for a new computer. That will either make things easier cause this one will be able to play games or harder because she will want to spend more time on it. We are only here for less 2 weeks and 5 more days then we will be in our own home and I’ll be able to control everything lol.
Other than those things not much else happened. Tomorrow we may do some more shopping for the house. I hope so, it’s really enjoyable and it makes everything feel much more real.
I’ve been asking hubby to take me to Red Lobster for several weeks now. Even though he doesn’t really like any kind of seafood he finally decided to take me today. I ordered this dish that has everything, shrimp, crab and lobster thinking hell ya this is gonna be awesome. I remembered loving lobster and I normally dig shrimp. However I hated the lobster. I thought it was fishy and gross. I did love the crap legs though, talk about a lot of fun and damn tasty.
Today started off horribly, I bawled my eyes out for about 20-30 mins and ranted and raved because of how lonely and unhappy I have been during the week when no one is around. I passed blame for my boredom and unhappiness. I yelled and sobbed. I apparently had a lot to get off my chest. It started off as just a bad mood and then hubby poked and prodded until he finally made me break down. I needed to do it. I was holding everything in and just feeling more hate-filled and resentful and it was all towards my MIL.
I love her, but I can’t paint and I am tired of living in her house and feeling like I can’t be me. It just gets to be a bit much. I got a new game tonight though and had some fun finally. Sims 4, living other peoples lives! Hubby is going to talk to her about me being able to paint in the dining room again. Hopefully it will happen cause I really feel the need to create.
Tomorrow I plan on going out and doing some photography. I’m not sure where yet, but I hope to get some lovely pictures. I’ll post anything I really like.
Right now I feel relaxed, that’s the way I am gonna try and stay. We’ll see…
So Mom’s husband is gone but now my FIL is here until Friday. So that means out of 11 days hubby and I will have 3 alone.. 3 you say? Yes tomorrow we actually will have some time alone. MIL and FIL are going over to SIL for a visit. The rest of the week will be celebrating SIL’s birthday, New Years Eve and also a lot of football.. ugh
My mood is okay, we got an email from the people building our house that we might hear about closing in a week or two. We basically close 45 days after we hear. So I am hoping it is a week opposed to two. Yet it is wonderful that we are getting closer to getting into our home. We walked through it again today as we showed MIL and FIL how it looks with actual walls and such. It gave me a nice warm feeling.
For some reason when the new year and Christmas are around I get paranoid. I worry that there is going to be some holiday catastrophe. I don’t know why. I just have always been that way. This year things have been a little different. I still have that lingering worry in the back of my head but I’ve also been able to enjoy moments.
My mood today is middle of the road, not bad but not good. I’ve been able to joke and smile though so that is a plus. I’m worried the depression is going to come again. I hope it stays away a little longer than it normally does. After all it always stays around longer than most of my other moods, it only seems fair.
Honestly the only thing I really want it time alone with my husband. That isn’t asking for much. Can’t wait for tomorrow.
Maybe it is just me but I am sensitive when it comes to my bipolarity and depression. While I can appreciate that everyone suffers differently from it I don’t like to hear any of the following sentences.
“She is sicker than you.”
“Their depression is harder on them then yours is.”
“They’ve tried to kill themselves more than you.”
“They’ve had to be hospitalized.”
I just find it so offensive that someone thinks they know what I am going through cause some fucking movie star starts telling their story of bipolarity.
My mother in law often compares my illness to that of Catherine zeta Jones and it pisses me off. I hide the way I feel from everyone but my husband, so I am so incredibly hurt when she says things like that. I don’t know what to do about her insensitivity. Right now I am just sitting here stewing over it. Which honestly helps no one. Yet I know that I can’t say anything to her about it because of the kind of person she is.
I think that I am doing better today. I don’t have that evil little ball of rage eating my stomach up.
Last night to take care of it I had a couple margerita’s at dinner, it helped mellow me out. I can see how easy it would be to become an alcholic, I could do it easily. I know that it makes things better for a short time. So I drink a little more than normal during the holidays.
BTW for those saying lighten up. That is not something that comes naturally to me and when someone owes you 5000 dollars and then pushes you around passive agressively while spending money on crap and not making an effort to pay you back at all. I lost my feeling grateful when all that shit went down. I feel how I feel. WE never ever put her out and do all her little hints that we can to make sure she is happy. It gets to be a little much.
Okay maybe that ball is still there but it isn’t raising my blood pressure and making my eye tick anymore which is something.
I can’t wait until we get our own place so I know which feeling are natural and which are bipolar. It’s impossible to tell at the moment. All I know it most days I am depressed or angry. I didn’t want to waste my therapy money on it so now I just vent to hubby and hope for the best.
Hopefully the med increase will help calm me down.
Yesterday I was in a really great mood. I was happy and wanted to continue this mood, it was making me look forward to the holidays in my little prison here. Yet that had to change.
Last night the voice finale was on as was the finale for ink master. We watched the first hour of the voice then switched over to tattoo nightmare. Everyone was ok with this. Near the end of the hour MIL got impatient and went upstairs to find out the voice winner then came down and told us who it was.. let’s put it this way never watching that show again..
Anyhoo.. the news came on after all this shit and i asked if anyone was going to watch the news since I’ve been advised by my therapist to not watch it as it really affects my moods. Normally we just don’t so I was hoping I could put on something happier. Then I am sure just to be a bitch went, ya I’m watching it.
So I said fine I’m going to bed. I was hoping hubby would join me but he waited 30 mins which made my mind start to wander and become angrier and hate filled. I’m sure she heard me call her a fucking bitch through our door last night and I don’t care.
This is the only TV I can watch actual televsion on, she has one in her room that is hooked up to cable. If she didn’t want to watch ink master she could have said something.. she didn’t have to be a fucking snot..
anyhow, today my mood is still pissy. I feel like she ruined my happy and am not sure how to get it back causwe I just want to slap her in the face and say stop being so fucking selfish all the time.. ugh.
I mean she is like this with everything, she gave us every single thing we had around the house to stuff into the room, cause she doesn’t like sharing her space. We’re like prisoners that are allowed out to watch tv occasionally. it’s painful.