I am feeling the urge to create. Usually I do this with painting or creating dimensions in Rift but my mind is completely blank!
My mood has been better lately, not the best today but still better than it has been in the past. I suppose my meds are working somewhat. That’s a good thing. However I am stuck in the worst possible rut and feel like saying meh every time I come up with a thought to do something. It’s annoying.
I thought maybe I could at least write but even now as I am writing the words are struggling to come out.
It’s really pissing me off.
I’m listening to music hoping it will help, it’s not doing much so far except I am enjoying some of my favorite songs so I guess that is something.
It’s so hard to describe how I am feeling, honestly I feel like I’m on the treadmill of life, it doesn’t go anywhere but at least I’m moving.
I suppose it is all better than being so depressed I can’t get out of bed and I should be grateful for the positive things that are going on in my life. I mean I’m blessed. I have a wonderful supportive husband, I got some great family and I have a gorgeous grandson that is almost a year old. Sadly I’ve never met him. I collect pictures and videos my daughter sends me though.
anyhow I apparently have nothing to write so I give up for now.
I’m finding it hard to get motivated to get out of bed let alone blog. I did have a couple of good days but I took advantage of them and hung with hubby. I find when I am actively spending time with him as opposed to just sitting side by side at our computers I feel better about the outlook on life.
Our Birthdays are both coming up and I really didn’t want to do anything for mine at least but now we are having to do a family gathering. sigh… I hate being reminded that I’m getting older… 48 this year, another 2 and I can have aarp lol.
Anyhow I wanted to apologize to people who actually read this blog.. Sorry I just suck balls lately.
Today at 11:18am I have already had some accomplishments. I have taken the garbage and recycling out and walked both dogs separately to the mailbox! Yep doesn’t sound like much but for someone whose house needs a full cleaning it’s a head start and it’s something I can do. I plan to also do the two loads of laundry I have had sitting in the laundry room since my mom’s visit. (That’s what happens when you own too many clothes).
I decided I would also post on my blog. So here I am! Hi 🙂
My depression must be improving without me knowing it though because the wellbutrin seems to be doing some motivating. The increase of the rexulti seems to be helping too. Though I admit the last two days I napped in the afternoon just to pass time, I was so lonely. I don’t know how to interact with people anymore. I used to play WoW and be in a guild and talk with a lot of people. I need to start doing that again just to be a part of something and to interact with people again.
I’ll figure it out I guess.
I miss my sister in law. She is dating a really nice person right now and I haven’t had a chance to see her very much. Hopefully as they get more serious that will change though and there will be a little wiggle room for me. We’ll see.
It’s just one of those days where I’m moody and kind of have the blues. I don’t know why. I finally have my husband to myself after the father in law visit. Which ended weird in a good way. He told me he loved me. It was nice to hear just something I never expected to you know. Sure it’s a shitty paragraph but I don’t feel like splitting it up into bigger sentences.
The visit went well, I survived Christmas Eve and Christmas without anything bad happening. I think I also mentioned I did it stone cold sober and weedless. I’m actually kind of proud of myself for that.
Death is scaring me again. It just keeps popping in my head that we’re all gonna die and there’s not a goddamn thing we can do about it. It’s overwhelming honestly.
Today I have had two panic attacks so far. These are the panic attacks I am used to where I can’t seem to catch my breath and I have to concentrate so I don’t hyperventilate.
I’m feeling lonely even though hubby is right here and we’ve been hanging out today. We watched an entire anime together. I don’t know why I feel that way I just do.
Did I mention I got stoned to try and feel better and it’s not even helping this time. True blechness.
At this time of year especially I miss my family. I haven’t seen most of them for close to 16 years. My anxiety has kept me from taking the steps it takes so I can go back to Canada. I have invited them all to come here though. Some even on my dime. Yet I’ve only seen my mom and two youngest sisters.
My in laws are great. I get along well with them but except for my sister in law it just doesn’t feel the same you know?
Going to my nephews birthday celebration tonight, going to surprise them by showing up. I was invited but I usually don’t make it to this sort of thing. Leaving in 45 mins. I’m a little nervous but I think I’m good.
Holidays and such I tells ya.
Ohh my accomplishments today are getting dressed, brushing my hair, mopping and doing some other small cleaning things and hopefully going out 🙂
I know it, I suck. I have barely been posting this holiday season. I just haven’t felt like writing. I painted last night though. Me and the sister in law followed a Bob Ross Video and proceeded to try to repeat the process in acrylics. I think they both turned out pretty cool.
It was family night so mom in law was over too for a time and we got to chat and hang.
I got drunk last night, it was a mistake. Feel like crap today.
Giving up weed for a month again. Going to see if that helps with the brain at all. Mostly I’m concerned about the paranoia. I hope it’s the pot. Though I’ve been paranoid in the past and it’s all been me, so I’ll just have to wait and see. I know giving up weed during the holidays is asking for trouble but I’m tired of being the whacked out girl too. I just spent the last month high every single day from morning until bed. It’s crazy and it’s fucking expensive. My husband is supportive either way, which is awesome.
It’s remarkable because I didn’t realize how damn numb I was until I wasn’t anymore. I’m not sure what to do about feelings. I cry, I get jealous, I get angry, I laugh, I feel joy and I feel like I’m spinning, like my head just won’t focus on one thing for very long. You know those racing thoughts? I only got four hours of sleep last night because of them and a headache. I need my brain to slow down. I’m still not motivated to do much either. gah.
Tonight I went over to my mother in laws and had Thanksgiving dinner. It was lovely and the food was delish. I was drunk before we ate. The wine just slid down my throat so easily, you know how that can be when you are anxious.
My niece hugged me tonight and it made me feel wonderful.
It was a good day all in all. There was some Skip-bo. I’m not sure if that is the correct spelling of it, but it was fun. I didn’t win and I didn’t care. It was just chill.
Mom in law sent us home with food stuffs and a couple of bottles of wine. I know what I’m doing tomorrow. I’ll be out of weed again.
Should I get more or just give my brain some time to figure out the new med, let me know your opinion.
I hav e been spending time with my mom because she went home today. We spent a lot of time talking and stoned! There was some hilarity and giggles, honestly most of the visit was awesome.
Today is also my 15th wedding anniversary. Woot! It’s been a wonderful day and my husband bought me a beautiful ring.
My mood is definitely better. I think the meds are helping but once again don’t want to get too hopeful. Hope is the doom for me a lot of the time.
I really appreciate you taking time out of your day to read what is going on with me and sharing how you feel in the comments!
Hugs to all.
After what turned out to be a horrible election night it is again family dinner night.
We are all eating and enjoying one anothers company even though we are all feeling slightly lost right now.
I’m sad but not depressed, that’s something I guess.
Sorry I didn’t post yesterday I was watching the election and praying.. prayer doesn’t really help when evil is so strong though.
Last night I sat watching people I love being around having a really great time but I felt like I was on the outside and just showing a mask to everyone. It was weird.
Tonight I’m just tired of this depression. Every day I hope I get better and every day I don’t. It’s a lot to take.
It’s very hard to entertain when all you want to do is be in bed.
I am also noticing that I am not enjoying being high as much as I was before. I’ll have to do some research on this.
I’ll let you know whatever I figure out.