After what turned out to be a horrible election night it is again family dinner night.
We are all eating and enjoying one anothers company even though we are all feeling slightly lost right now.
I’m sad but not depressed, that’s something I guess.
Sorry I didn’t post yesterday I was watching the election and praying.. prayer doesn’t really help when evil is so strong though.
Last night I sat watching people I love being around having a really great time but I felt like I was on the outside and just showing a mask to everyone. It was weird.
Tonight I’m just tired of this depression. Every day I hope I get better and every day I don’t. It’s a lot to take.
It’s very hard to entertain when all you want to do is be in bed.
I am also noticing that I am not enjoying being high as much as I was before. I’ll have to do some research on this.
I’ll let you know whatever I figure out.
Today is the birthday of my BFF. She’s been dead for over a year so when her birthday comes up it hurts a lot. I miss her so much. She really knew how to motivate me.
MY visit with my mom is going OK even though I feel like I am coming down with a cold or something.
Saturday we are having a paint and wine night. That should be fun 🙂
Still taking my new meds even though the insurance company denied my prescription I will have to rely on samples I guess until we switch insurance companies at the top of the year.
Well that’s it, nothing exciting.
Forgot to mention I am non-stop anxious. Fun fun.
I’m tired of feeling like shit.
My father in law came to visit us for a week and I can’t get up the energy to even be involved with it.
I even asked my hubby to talk his sister into not coming over tonight because I was just not in the mood. She’s one of my favorite people in the world and I don’t want to see her, well her and her kids. I don’t know that I would be able to control my temper if they misbehaved and I don’t want that coming between us.
I love the kids don’t get me wrong I just have no patience today.
I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep until I wake up and the birds are singing and there’s rainbows every where. I know it won’t happen but a girl can dream a little huh?
I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful home. I want for nothing. I’m so miserable it’s giving me headaches and body aches. I find it difficult to smile or be involved in anything. I’m easily overwhelmed and just feel horrible.
I am lucky to have someone who supports me and wants to be happy but I wish I could be better for him and I feel guilty that I don’t feel better.
Life sucks right now.
I was watching some TV and playing some WoW with hubby and lost track of time. How am I feeling? Not great. Still feel like I am coming down with something and I made the mistake of smoking some weed last night, setting myself back some.
Tomorrow it is supposed to be all stormy while hubby is at work and I fucking hate it so much. I’m so terrified every time it happens.
At least tomorrow is Friday and I won’t have to be alone for a couple days.
Last night was fun though. I talked. A lot! I don’t do that very often, usually I am the one that just sits and nods and listens. I think it helped me some. You know in a therapeutic kind of way.
It was nice to have people around for a time and this weekend we are celebrating my MiL’s birthday.
Yesterday I decided that I didn’t want to be lonely today. Most days I can’t do anything about it. Family dinner night though I can be outgoing and ask if people are gonna come.
Tonight my MiL and SiL are both here and it’s nice to hear conversation going on in the house. Especially since I can quietly listen and just enjoy myself. Which I am gonna keep this post short so I can do just that!
Today we spent the afternoons at my mother in laws so that we could celebrate my nephews birthday. It was alright. Things felt different with my sis-in-law. I wonder if that will change once things are reintroduced or if I am just being hyper sensitive. I mean it could honestly be either.
It was a nice afternoon though sitting out by the lake and catching more pokemon. Can seriously do that just about anywhere.
Had some food and played cards with my little nephew. Got me out of the house anyhow.
Today I have felt a multitude of feelings and I don’t like it! I was calm and accepting of everything when I was depressed. Maybe it seemed like I didn’t care but I was just kind of chill about everything going on around me. Now I have feelings about everything.
Was supposed to hang out with my SiL Saturday and she ended up posting on facebook about going to a concert. Kind of felt like a punch in the stomach. I don’t like that at all. Things got worked out and I explained to her that my feelings were hurt. That’s the problem when you let people into your life. They have the ability to make you feel things. When it was just me and hubby I was mostly happy, not much made me feel angry or hurt. Now everything feels like I am feeling it 100% stronger than ever before.
The numbness of depression just seems to be easier you know.
On a maybe positive note we are having gretna days, which is our little fair and I really want to go so maybe I actually will. We’ll see when 5:00 rolls around.
Today I just want to say that I can’t wait for Autumn. I love the crisp air, the earthy smells and Halloween. It’s still a couple months away but I get excited thinking about it.
Right now it’s so damn hot you can’t leave your house for a walk. I can’t collect pokemon. So I’m feeling trapped. If I don’t leave my house that should be my choice, not the weathers.. dammit.
What I forgot to report is last Saturday we went out to my MiL and went out on the boat and had a BBQ and I was pretty good on the anxiety front. It helps when the people you are surrounded with make you feel loved. I relaxed some so I guess it is possible for me to leave my anxious state. Now if I can just channel that.
It’s the weekend so I will at least stop being so lonely for a couple of days.