Yesterday I decided that I didn’t want to be lonely today. Most days I can’t do anything about it. Family dinner night though I can be outgoing and ask if people are gonna come.
Tonight my MiL and SiL are both here and it’s nice to hear conversation going on in the house. Especially since I can quietly listen and just enjoy myself. Which I am gonna keep this post short so I can do just that!
I have no idea what to do with myself. I feel like I am just stuck in a hamster wheel and can’t get off.
We got a new puppy which is killing some time, you know with training and having to keep an eye on her. You might think getting a new dog so soon after my baby girl Ren died might seem to soon but I had such a gaping huge whole in my chest that needed something at least wiggle around in there.
I’m 46, I need to do something with my life. I’ve realized that you never know when something is going to happen to you or someone you love. Why is this not kicking me in the ass to get motivated more? Is it the depression dragging me down. I don’t want to go down there. It’s dark and scary.
Right now is one of those times I wish I had a belief system. I have nothing to fall back on.
I got our tonight with hubby and had a good time. We just went to Dave and Buster’s for drinks and games but it was relaxing and lifted a bit of the edge of loneliness from me. Plus they had Guitar Hero which made me miss some of my stuff a little less.
It was by no means easy and the anxiety almost made me walk out the door, but I did it!
I won a tiny stuffed toy from a claw machine and talked to strangers. It is good for my agoraphobia to break out and work on my social anxiety.
I’m not gonna write much tonight though, have a little bit of a buzz going on, but I did promise to write every day.
Hopefully I’ll wake up in a better mood tomorrow after getting some relief tonight.
I’m writing this while I sit at my UV lamp hoping to get some relief from this damn depression. This morning I thought about suicide, ways to get the relief I needed but then I remembered Jim and that I need to keep going for him.,
My mother in law has been grabbing all my stuff from around the house and bagging it up. My room is like a ittle prison. Filled with more and more stuff and less stuff allowed out around the house. This house is gigantic and she is a seriously messy person so having a few of my things sitting around weren’t hurting her at all. Yet she is territorial. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here. If not I’m afraid our relationship will fail. I don’t have a lot of strength right now.
We won’t know anything until January about when we can move into the house. It feels so far away and everything is so painful and sad.
I am so incredibly lonely. I sit here day in and day out waiting for my husband to come home. I suppose I could clean for the mother in law, but honestly it is disgusting and I don’t want to touch most of it.
She’s almost a hoarder, not quite but close.
I’m not much of a house cleaner myself but I will hire someone to clean for me so my home never gets like this. Plus I think that living here has given me a newfound respect for cleanliness. It is almosts making me a germaphobe. My hands are dried out from cleaning them constantly. Yet I only can manage to pull myself into the shower once a week. I’m a hypocrite,. Yet it’s my own dirt.
I am hoping that the house is done sooner rather than later, but that is still in the early weeks of February. I hope I can keep from going insane or saying something I regret over the next few months. Sometimes a hospital stay seems like it would be a nice break and that’s downright sad.
I was reading some wonderful blogs today about various different things and I noticed one common thread. That when we are down we tend to ignore people. Pulling away into ourselves. I myself am certainly guilty of it. I don’t have any friends IRL at all. I know people from gaming. They treat me wonderfully and I am completely upfront with who I am. I think that it works because it’s online. There is one person I would call my best friend because we have known each other a good 10 years. She is also a bipolar. So when we both disappear for months at a time when we reconnect and talk like we were never gone.
Most of the people in my life are not as understanding. I tried making friends when I was un-medicated and because of my overtly over sexualized behavior it was like they were drawn to me more than wanting me to be a normal friend. Flirty and outgoing I seemed to have the choice of who I would choose to befriend and I always chose poorly. I’m fortunate enough that I got medicated before I ended up doing something stupid and ruining my marriage.
So now I just choose to keep it between my husband and myself. He is a very tolerant man and a homebody so this works for us for the most part. Though I do miss the contact with human beings, I don’t think that I am a very good friend. I’m never un-kind, in fact I am generous to fault, but I have no idea how to act around people. Being outspoken and honest just doesn’t fly in a casual atmosphere and I am horrible at hiding who I really am.
When I work, I work from home at a job that really just makes me hate people in general. So most of the time I don’t work either The most exposure I get to people is at the dog walk or when my mom comes to visit from Canada. She plans on coming down for 6 months out of the year and I’m thrilled. I get so damned lonely. It’s almost painful. I have no idea how to makes friends even if I wanted to anyhow.
Do you think bipolars can have lasting friendships? How long have your friendships lasted?