I have been getting urges to go back to work. Which is something I know I’m not ready for. I’m too damn shy to be any kind of telemarketer or phone sex op. I’ve done both so I know what I think I’ll be good at. It’s not that I would be bad I would just be uncomfortable. I want to start going out of the house before I seriously consider working from home. I need to be able to push myself. This agoraphobia is a real bitch. I haven’t been out in I think six weeks. Well that’s not true because I did walk to the mail box on my own several times. The neighborhood feels comfortable enough for me to walk a little ways from the house on my own.
Omg this post is awful, not artfully written at all. I dunno I just want to share the changes that are happening, but am still not back to posting every day. I need to push myself to do it as I feel better after posting.
I think I’m on an upswing. Not 100% sure because really what does normal feel like anyhow? It’s not like it is something I am used to.
I am being more active in things. Playing games and walking to catch Pokemon. Yesterday I spent hours watching a new anime. So hopefully that means that things are going to pick up.
I’ve made a decision that I am going to go on a road trip with my SiL and mom when my mom comes down from Canada to visit. We’re going to head to Denver and do some exploring and other fun things. It will be strange to do things without hubby but I think it’s going to be fun. I’m not gonna change my mind on this. So now I am really looking forward to October.
Last night I went to Gretna Days, which is basically a little fair our tiny town has. It was small which was a perfect introduction to being around people. We had some fair food and watched the people enjoying the rides and games. I like to people watch. I’m quite proud of myself.
Honestly though that Pokemon Go is what is really getting me out of the house. It really distracts me from my social anxiety and allows me to enjoy the outdoors and exercise. Things I need.
Last night I found some weed that had fallen back in a drawer it was just enough for me to get stoned and I admit it felt awesome. I don’t want to go back to doing it every day again though, I think that’s the reason I ended up where I am.
Like I said I hate to say I’m feeling good in case I’ll jinx it. Anyone who suffers from depression can understand that I think.
Tonight we went walking in a park for a while, it was quite lovely and the temps were starting to drop. I mean the heat that’s been going on has been leaving people trapped in air conditioned homes. It’s funny when 78 degrees is considered cool.
I’m hoping I get the nerve to go places where there are more people soon, but the fact that I have gotten out every day for the last three days is awesome. Once again proving my husband might possibly be right about the pot. I really hope he’s wrong and I’m just super lucky right now. That’s kind of stupid isn’t it? Kind of, actually completely fucking stupid. I’d rather smoke weed then be happy. I just miss how relaxed I felt and how it made the day pass faster. I’ll have to quit completely if he is right though. I know I am not a once in a while kind of girl. It’s called an addictive personality. Pot may not be addictive but I can’t seem to have it in my house without smoking it.
I’ve been what I call broken for a very long time. However I have peeks of sun through the clouds and am able to muster the courage to step outside of my home and live life.
When we decided to move back to Omaha from California something remarkable happened. I started going out to the beaches, museums and parks (not theme parks). I felt like a normal person for a change and as I did more and more the anxiety started to become part of the foreground. When we got back to Omaha this continued for a while. Restaurants were a breeze. Shopping, hell ya.. Anything seemed possible.
Once we moved into our house I stopped going out less and less and now even the thought of going to my mother in laws is stressful. We have to go there tomorrow and I’m going no matter how afraid I am.
The thing is I don’t want to be this way but just taking a step outside creates anxiety. I try to walk to the mailbox which is about half a block away so I am not a complete shut in. I go to walk-in clinics for my problems because they are open at night and are typically pretty empty.
The night comforts me. It’s like a mask over everything I’m afraid of.
What am I afraid of, I don’t really know anymore. I just know that I am afraid all the time now.
Time to start exposure therapy again. Maybe this time it will stick. One step at a time…
Most people would think much of it but people recovering from agoraphobia will dig where I’m coming from.
I walked to the mail box all on my own. It’s about half a block away from the house so that’s really the farthest I have gone on my own since California. (over 8 months) I think this is something I need to start adding to my daily things since it gets me exercising and gives me exposure to the outdoors? What do you think?
My mood is ok today. Not super up but not super down. I’m just right in the middle where I can smile and I can frown.
My shrink wants me to set my alarm in the morning and start taking my wellbutrin and pristiq earlier but I am still fighting to sleep as late as I can. I manage to sleep until 11:00. I don’t know what I would do with myself with those two extra hours. I think I am going to have to take her advice though.
I start therapy again in 4 days so maybe that will help, we shall see.
Today I went to the zoo and took some pictures and movies. We really have one of the best zoos, actually it was voted best zoo in america so there ya go. I took some little movies of big cats.
it was really stressful because it was so jam packed with people. Honestly a few times I wanted to run for the exit, but I fought past it. The exposure therapy is definitely working. I was terrified to go, I almost chickened out. I find if I push myself to do something I am uncomfortable it doesn’t turn out to be the nightmare I’ve made of it in my head.
I also ended up going to dinner and found a giant hello kitty pez dispenser, it made me so happy. I love hello kitty things. I love pink. I also got a little stuffed turtle cause I love turtles too.
Also I can paint in the dining room again!! Yay that means that I will have some pictures done for the walls when we move into the house and it actually feels like I am going to be able to get through the next 5 weeks and 4 days much easier with a game, painting, ps4. It will make time past so much faster. I’m actually excited about the future,
After freaking out and crying yesterday, I was happy. Today I am happy. I apparently needed to vent and clear my aura.. I feel so much better.
I got our tonight with hubby and had a good time. We just went to Dave and Buster’s for drinks and games but it was relaxing and lifted a bit of the edge of loneliness from me. Plus they had Guitar Hero which made me miss some of my stuff a little less.
It was by no means easy and the anxiety almost made me walk out the door, but I did it!
I won a tiny stuffed toy from a claw machine and talked to strangers. It is good for my agoraphobia to break out and work on my social anxiety.
I’m not gonna write much tonight though, have a little bit of a buzz going on, but I did promise to write every day.
Hopefully I’ll wake up in a better mood tomorrow after getting some relief tonight.
I miss the monochrome monitor and the 1200 baud modem. I miss when computers were used pretty much only for communicating and nothing else. BBS’s (Bulletin Board Systems) were an amazing social outlet and you would be able to easily make friends with people in your town and surrounding areas.
One monochrome monitor and 1200 baud modem literally saved my life. It allowed me to escape a horribly abusive men whose violence was escalating. I don’t think I was all that far from him killing me.
I was agoraphobic and terrified to tell anyone. Logging in and talking to strangers allowed me some anonymity and I found unlike my family or the police they actually believed me. I was offered a place to stay and help to get away. So of all the things that have gone obsolete I miss these the most.