agoraphobia

Day 2

I woke up a little pissy but it was because I only slept 2 hours at a time last night concerned the puppy was going to pee on the bed. She is pretty much pad trained but hasn’t learned that the bed is not the place to pee and she has peed on two different comforters, still way better than her sister Lilly who just pees wherever she wants.  I bought this little faux grass thing that sits beside the door and she uses it a lot too. I’m so impressed with how smart she is.

Later in the day my mood improved and so far I am not feeling any side effects from the withdrawal except maybe a little more anxiety. I can handle it though, I’ve had anxiety since I gave birth and that was about 32 years ago.  Have a mentioned I have a gorgeous grandson that is not quite two yet? Anyhow that is off topic. I have always had anxiety attacks about breathing. Which when your nose is plugged from allergies is even worse. Like I said I can handle it though, I am stronger than my anxiety.

Now if I could just get out of the house more but honestly I am terrified of the flu. It’s so bad this year and my immune system is not that great since I am rarely exposed to other people. I’ve been lucky so far and I’d like to keep it that way. So I’ll avoid going out for now. I do have to see my shrink on the 5th of February but what are you going to do right?

Anyhow that’s it for today.

 

A Good Day

Today was a good day even though I am only going on about 3 hours sleep, if that. My mood was good though and we went out and got a third fur baby, a little 2.5 month old Havanese. We haven’t named her yet, she so cute and usually I come up with a name right away, but I think the lack of sleep is making that super difficult. I’m even having some problems typing. So this blog is going to be short.

So 1) No depression today

2) I went out!

Not too bad at all.

 

Keeping The Resolutions

So today I talked to my shrink and the insurance company denied my rexulti so we need to press forward and try to get it handled. I hope they do since the med actually helps! I am almost out of pills so my shrink gave me some samples and then I went out to lunch with hubby.  I ate a good lowish carb meal and tried to interact somewhat with the waitress.  Pretty good since I am feeling like crap and didn’t even want to go out. When hubby asked me originally I said no but then I remembered that I want to do the things Dani would have challenged me to do if she were still alive.

That’s about it for today!

Happy New Year

Well I know what my resolutions are. 1) to work harder at losing weight and 2) to write my blog every single day like i have in the past. 3) To work harder at leaving the house.

I work at losing weight but it is hard and I always did well when I ate low carb so that is my plan.

My Old best friend Dani always challenged me so in honor of her I will be working on my blog again. It’s a good challenge.

I want to be able to go out on dates with my husband so that makes me want to try harder to go out.

What are your plans for the New Year?

Tonight I Went To The Store

Tonight I went to Target with my husband and walked around the whole store.  I even asked someone for assistance.  Not a big deal for most but for me it’s a huge one!

I haven’t been out really except for a few walks with my husband so this was a pretty big deal.  I think no I know that I shocked him when I agreed to go.

My mood has been up and down and I’m still having a hard time finding things I enjoy doing but I’m going to keep trying.

I imagine that my shrink will be increasing my pristiq when I go see her and hopefully it will help.

One step at a time right?

 

I’ve Been Getting Urges

I have been getting urges to go back to work. Which is something I know I’m not ready for. I’m too damn shy to be any kind of telemarketer or phone sex op. I’ve done both so I know what I think I’ll be good at.  It’s not that I would be bad I would just be uncomfortable. I want to start going out of the house before I seriously consider working from home. I need to be able to push myself. This agoraphobia is a real bitch. I haven’t been out in I think six weeks. Well that’s not true because I did walk to the mail box on my own several times. The neighborhood feels comfortable enough for me to walk a little ways from the house on my own.

Omg this post is awful, not artfully written at all. I dunno I just want to share the changes that are happening, but am still not back to posting every day. I need to push myself to do it as I feel better after posting.

Anyhoo there’s that.

On The Upswing

I think I’m on an upswing. Not 100% sure because really what does normal feel like anyhow? It’s not like it is something I am used to.

I am being more active in things. Playing games and walking to catch Pokemon. Yesterday I spent hours watching a new anime. So hopefully that means that things are going to pick up.

I’ve made a decision that I am going to go on a road trip with my SiL and mom when my mom comes down from Canada to visit. We’re going to head to Denver and do some exploring and other fun things. It will be strange to do things without hubby but I think it’s going to be fun. I’m not gonna change my mind on this.  So now I am really looking forward to October.

Can I do normal things? We shall see.

I Did It

Last night I went to Gretna Days, which is basically a little fair our tiny town has. It was small which was a perfect introduction to being around people. We had some fair food and watched the people enjoying the rides and games. I like to people watch. I’m quite proud of myself.

Honestly though that Pokemon Go is what is really getting me out of the house. It really distracts me from my social anxiety and allows me to enjoy the outdoors and exercise. Things I need.

Last night I found some weed that had fallen back in a drawer it was just enough for me to get stoned and I admit it felt awesome. I don’t want to go back to doing it every day again though, I think that’s the reason I ended up where I am.

Gonna enjoy things while I can.

Day 2 Of Feeling Better

Like I said I hate to say I’m feeling good in case I’ll jinx it. Anyone who suffers from depression can understand that I think.

Tonight we went walking in a park for a while, it was quite lovely and the temps were starting to drop. I mean the heat that’s been going on has been leaving people trapped in air conditioned homes. It’s funny when 78 degrees is considered cool.

I’m hoping I get the nerve to go places where there are more people soon, but the fact that I have gotten out every day for the last three days is awesome. Once again proving my husband might possibly be right about the pot. I really hope he’s wrong and I’m just super lucky right now. That’s kind of stupid isn’t it? Kind of, actually completely fucking stupid. I’d rather smoke weed then be happy. I just miss how relaxed I felt and how it made the day pass faster. I’ll have to quit completely if he is right though. I know I am not a once in a while kind of girl. It’s called an addictive personality. Pot may not be addictive but I can’t seem to have it in my house without smoking it.

We’ll see what the next 2.5 weeks hold.

I’m An Agoraphobic

I’ve been what I call broken for a very long time. However I have peeks of sun through the clouds and am able to muster the courage to step outside of my home and live life.

When we decided to move back to Omaha from California something remarkable happened. I started going out to the beaches, museums and parks (not theme parks). I felt like a normal person for a change and as I did more and more the anxiety started to become part of the foreground. When we got back to Omaha this continued for a while. Restaurants were a breeze. Shopping, hell ya.. Anything seemed possible.

Once we moved into our house I stopped going out less and less and now even the thought of going to my mother in laws is stressful. We have to go there tomorrow and I’m going no matter how afraid I am.

The thing is I don’t want to be this way but just taking a step outside creates anxiety. I try to walk to the mailbox which is about half a block away so I am not a complete shut in. I go to walk-in clinics for my problems because they are open at night and are typically pretty empty.

The night comforts me. It’s like a mask over everything I’m afraid of.

What am I afraid of, I don’t really know anymore. I just know that I am afraid all the time now.

Time to start exposure therapy again. Maybe this time it will stick. One step at a time…