Happy New Year

Well I know what my resolutions are. 1) to work harder at losing weight and 2) to write my blog every single day like i have in the past. 3) To work harder at leaving the house.

I work at losing weight but it is hard and I always did well when I ate low carb so that is my plan.

My Old best friend Dani always challenged me so in honor of her I will be working on my blog again. It’s a good challenge.

I want to be able to go out on dates with my husband so that makes me want to try harder to go out.

What are your plans for the New Year?

Haven’t Written In A Few Days

Today I started off by going for a walk. Didn’t want to do anything but needed to see how focused I am when I wake up and when I wake up and “bake”.

I haven’t felt like writing at all and normally I log in and at least put a sentence but I didn’t feel like doing it either.

I’m depressed. Am  I feeling better, I can’t tell yet.

I’m super frustrated.



Even When Your Not In The Mood

I write my blog every day but I don’t always feel like it. Sometimes I stumble over what to say or my day has been so vanilla that there has been nothing interesting emotionally to write about. Yet it is the one promise that I keep to myself. Trust me I’ve made tons.

I’ve started diets and failed multiple times and exercise programs. Cleaning the house or myself. Wearing makeup or doing my hair. None of these things have I ever done for this amount of time.

So I’m writing, I’m here today and I will be tomorrow. The only reason I won’t write will be because something horrific has happened. Just not wanting to is not enough of a reason not to do it.

Next year I will be doing more than writing, probably photos and stories as well as my moods, but for now this is what it is.. enjoy

Blogging Goes Here

On Friday, September 5, 2014, Colleen Frazer wrote:
I realize that while I promised myself that I would write in my blog(on my blog?) every day for a year definitely isn’t easy.
Sometimes I have little to nothing to say and other times I run on and on.

I wish I wasn’t so snippy. One thing I noticed is that I have no tolerance for the little things Jim does that annoy me. It sucks because he is one of the most amazing men in the world. He shouldn’t have to put up with this crap!

I am so lucky to have him. He is the one thing that keeps me going everyday. Why am I being such a cranky bitch?

I was fine before I started back in fucking meds I was just sad all the time and honestly maybe that was better!

Soooo Emotional

I am just so all over the place. I woke up this morning in an ok mood. Kind if middle of the road, which honestly I am totally fine with it. My moods started to go array after being oh for about a hour, grumpy, sad, happy, funny (well I am always funny :P) Mostly I was sad.

I sat down and listened to music and the song Wish from the anime Nana and just started bawling my eyes out, it’s like a waterfall started flowing from my tear ducts. My face was soaking wet and my heart hurt because of all the most ridiculous of things was I missed Nana. I’ve watched the Japanese version of it 3-4 times on netflix then they removed it. I wanted to buy the entire anime but it’s about 300.00 dollars for it all and I miss it. It gave me such joy.

There are things that have given me so much joy, simple things. The fact that money always seems to be the one factor that takes away joy. Though there at some free things that are going away again in time. Like for example Parks and Reecreation. It gives me a nice warm feeling in my tummy. It makes me feel kind of morose.

I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in a long time this week and go to a hair stylist. I am gonna get my hair cut and colored. I’ll put up a picture after, gotta share it all right?

Maybe tomorrow I’ll won’t cry, that would be nice.

Thank you so much!

This always makes me feel so incredibly shy and also incredibly wonderful. Thank you Dyane over at Birth of a New Brain for nominating me for my second Liebster.  I am horrible at making thankyou speeches though. So hugs and kisses and thanks from the heart. Following the rules here.

The four rules are as follows:

1) I must provide 11 facts about myself. This is hard for me becsause I find myself rather boring 😛

2) Answer 11 questions created by my nominating party Dyane.

3) Nominate 11 blogs

4) Provide them with 11 questions to answer!


Okay first 11 things about myself.

  1. I am terrified of tornados, yet want to live in the Midwest.
  2. I am the mother of a 29 year old woman and a six year old grand-daughter.
  3. I am the oldest child of 5.
  4. I wrote a song for a talent show when I was in brownies.
  5. I love to record myself singing so I can improve.
  6. I’m terrified of ticks and chiggers. Anything that imbeds in your skin actually.
  7. I am naturally blonde.
  8. I love to collect pens and notepads.
  9. I love to collect anything with Belle on it.
  10. I want Don’t Fear the Reaper Played at my funeral.
  11. I’m am either incredibly shy or incredibly outgoing ( I blame the bipolar )

Answering Dyane’s Questions to me:

1) What is your favorite color? Why?

Purple because it is always vibrant even at it’s darkest.

2) If you could have one wish, what would it be? Honestly I would to get rid of my bipolarity. I could live without the depressive and manic parts of it. Maybe I would just wish to be hypomanic all the time.

3) Pick a song that defines you. Why that song? Panic Attack by Dream Theatre. I always seem to be having some sort of anxiety or stress over something.

4) If you could travel to one place, where would you go? Does Europe count as one place? I admit it is a bit of a cheat, but they have the most remarkable architecture.

5) Who is your hero? Why? My BFF even though she is going through a tough time herself she still makes sure others are ok. She is always checking on me and she volunteers for animals. She is truly amazing.

6) What makes you smile? Wow this is a toughie, I suppose the thing that makes me smile most is my husband. Sounds kind of cheesy but the is wonderful and funny 😀

7) What made you chose the topic you blog about? You write what you know.  I know how my bipolarity makes me feel for the most part. Sometimes it does sneak up on me though.

8) If you could live any time period, when you would you chose?  I would easily choose the 1820’s. All those fancy balls gowns and the fact that you were chubby and pale was a  positive instead of a negative.

9) If you had to give up one of your senses, which would you chose? Hmmm this is a hard one. Actually no it isn’t I would give up taste.  Would make food a need instead of a want.

10) What was your favorite movie as a child? Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I was a dork from really early on lol.

11) What is your favorite way to unwind? Play Guitar Hero or Rock Band. I always wanted to be a musician and this lets me pretend that I am. 😛


Blogs I would like to nominate are :

  1. Glenn2point0
  2. LazyMoan
  3. Young and Twenty
  4. Stunned and Stunted
  5. Thinking about Life
  6. [Bi]polar Curious
  7. I Am My Own Island
  8. Bipolar and Broke
  9. Inside the Mind of a Borderline Mother
  10. Kelzbelzphotography
  11. Nectar Madness



I have always had the support of my loving husband and my BFF but I thought that would be the extent of it. I’ve had all failures with therapists and psychiatrists and even a good deal of medical doctors. Family is understanding unless it affects them personally. Which means rarely ever. I don’t have any friends, yes it does get really lonely.

I started to post on my blog. I did it  to keep track of my thoughts and moods so I could try and get a handle on what was happening, To find out if what I was feeling was real or my mind messing with me.

Seems like I do have some real feelings of my own. One of them that is fairly new is hope. Is that a feeling? Yes, because something strange has happened. By writing I have found a really remarkable support system. I didn’t expect it and am not 100% sure that I deserve it but I got it. It makes me want to try even harder.

Right now I am “almost” at the bottom of depression. It is an effort to even breathe. Everything hurts.  I just want to go back to bed and sleep until it passes and if you have been reading my blog that can takes months for me. Normally that is just what I would do.  I would shut everything down. I would just stop. Things have changed.

Even though it takes so much effort having a support system makes me want to try, it makes me want to challenge myself.

I set 4 simple goals (simple ha) to follow every day:

  1. Post on both my blogs
  2. Do Lumosity
  3. Go Out and take at least 1 picture
  4. Do something with packing.

I’ve managed to keep up with this. It’s hard, like really hard not to just curl up in a ball and wallow. Smiling is hard but I’ve managed a little one here and there. Moving is an effort but I drag one foot in front of the other. I am sure that I look like Frankenstein’s monster when doing so but I am moving. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. I am going to work hard to keep this up so I don’t let myself and the wonderful support system down.

Thank you for reading and for posting, it really means the world to me that you take time out of your lives to spend even a moment with me.

Very Inspiring Award? Me?

Waking up and logging into my email this morning was surprising because not 1 but 2 people nominated me for
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! Dyane of Proudly Bipolar and N.Eleanore.S of The Revelation of Being Bipolar. Two Amazing blogs check them out!!
The rules in accepting this award is as follows:
•Thank and link the amazing person who nominated you.
•List the rules and display the award.
•Share seven facts about yourself.
•Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
•Optional: Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you. Done! 😀

7 Facts About Colleen:
1) Even though I am an agoraphobic, I love the outdoors. I could hike all day if my brain didn’t get in the way.
2) I’ve won awards for gymnastics and did it for close to 10 years.
3) I used to write contests for take180 and actually was part of some hilarious episodes. Harry Potter and the Oooh something Shiney
4) I’ve never gotten past grade 8 education.
5) My love colors yet whenever I buy clothes I always end up with black.
6) I love painting and photoshop!
7) I’ve never lived alone, ever. Even when I lived on the streets I was with people.

The 15 blogs I would like to nominate are :
1)Change Your Mind!
5)Inside of the Mind of a Borderline Mother
6)Despair to Deliverance
7)I Am My Own Island
8)Bipolar in Bloom
9) Bi(polar) Curious

I only have 9 blogs to add. It has made me realize that I need to be more active within the blogging community. These blogs are all wonderful.

Another Award Wow Thank You!

liebster-awardI am stunned and excited to have received two awards so close together. I feel blessed as I never thought anyone would really read my blog and the fact that someone has and has enjoyed it makes me so happy.  Thank you I Am My Own Island

There are rules with this award and sadly I am going to be breaking one of them as the blogs a lot of the blogs I would have nominated have already been done.

The rules of this award are as follows:

1. Link back to the blogger who nominated you.

2. Answer the 11 questions they gave you.

3. Nominate 11 other blogs with less than 200 followers.

4. Let those blogs know that you nominated them by leaving a comment on their blog. .

5. Give your nominees 11 questions to answer.

My Answers To the 11 Questions are Below.

  1. What was your best year and why? Spring is my best time of year, it usually brings out the hypomania and gives me a lot of energy to get things done.
  2. How did you decide the name of your blog? Honestly it just popped into my head.. No thought about it, it just suited me.
  3. What book would you recommend to read or a movie to watch? And why? I’m Torn I would probably say Galaxy Quest as it’s hilarious even when you are down in the dumps.
  4. Do you believe recovery is possible? (I ask this due to the kind blogs I picked) I’m unsure if there is. I haven’t felt like it in the past and even now I wonder how full of a life I will be able to lead but I hope so and hope is what keeps us all going.
  5. When you have trouble falling asleep? what do you do? Every night and I try to do things that calm my mind, play spa music, watch tv, lay there and think (this one is dangerous though)
  6. Do you have a hobby and how did you decide on it? I have several hobbies, most decided while I was hypomanic. Painting is my favorite though and I’ve learned to start liking what I paint which helps a lot.
  7. Do you have social media you’d like people to follow? I have a face book page and twitter that are the same name. Mostly they just announce the blog for now.
  8. If you could meet anyone on the planet who would it be? Pharrel he seems like a kind soul.
  9. Last meal you ate what did you have? Turkey Dinner blech
  10. Do you have any pets? I have two dog, Ren (we call her monkey) and Charlie they are more like our kids then pets though. We will be adding a third in the next few months
  11. DO  you have a favorite commercial (like I love the snickers ones): I love the old spice commercial in the bowling alley. Not sure why but it makes me giggle.


Blogs I am nominating are:

1)Crazy Runs Deep

2) Lazy Moan

3) A Ruined Life

4) Next Left Sanity Station

I wish I had 11.

The 11 Questions for the People Above to Answer Are:

  1. What made you want to start writing your blog?
  2. What is your favorite memory smell?
  3. Do you still have a toy or item that was given to you when you were a child? What is it?
  4. Do you think reading others blogs help you?
  5. What is your favorite song? Why?
  6. Has writing always been something you enjoyed?
  7. What is your favorite TV Show or Movie?
  8. If you could meet one person from the present or the past who would it be?
  9. Do you find you are more creative on certain days?
  10. What would your very last meal be?
  11. Do you believe recovery is possible? (had to steal this one)

Pleased take the time to check out these blogs and others they might enjoy. It’s like being part of a family. Even if we are all a little off 😉