good and bad

Uneventful and I Like It

Today was boring, I did some cleaning, I did some laundry, I watched probably 10 episodes of pretty little liars and thought about nothing. It was nice! Wasn’t overly emotional. Not weepy, not sad, not anxious or mad.. Just kind of chill.

I started having a little anxiety after mom in law told me what time our hair appointment is on Thursday. It’ll be shrink, therapist, hair salon, busy day.. I’ll just chill tomorro and finish off pretty little liars season 4 and season 3 of revenge.. Ya, I like it.

Soooo Emotional

I am just so all over the place. I woke up this morning in an ok mood. Kind if middle of the road, which honestly I am totally fine with it. My moods started to go array after being oh for about a hour, grumpy, sad, happy, funny (well I am always funny :P) Mostly I was sad.

I sat down and listened to music and the song Wish from the anime Nana and just started bawling my eyes out, it’s like a waterfall started flowing from my tear ducts. My face was soaking wet and my heart hurt because of all the most ridiculous of things was I missed Nana. I’ve watched the Japanese version of it 3-4 times on netflix then they removed it. I wanted to buy the entire anime but it’s about 300.00 dollars for it all and I miss it. It gave me such joy.

There are things that have given me so much joy, simple things. The fact that money always seems to be the one factor that takes away joy. Though there at some free things that are going away again in time. Like for example Parks and Reecreation. It gives me a nice warm feeling in my tummy. It makes me feel kind of morose.

I’m gonna do something I haven’t done in a long time this week and go to a hair stylist. I am gonna get my hair cut and colored. I’ll put up a picture after, gotta share it all right?

Maybe tomorrow I’ll won’t cry, that would be nice.

Holy Moly

Mood: Good, weird right?

It is hot here in SoCal. Really hot.. I am comfortable at about 68F anything above that is typically too warm for me. However I absolutely have needed to get out of the house. Which is honestly awesome.  I have walked around a lot, went to brunch with hubby and just generally enjoyed the day. Things seemed to have hit a good spot (crosses fingers). I would like the calmness to continue.

By the time you are are reading this it will be my birthday. Hard to believe 13 years ago I had planned to end my life on this day. I am very glad I didn’t even if I have to struggle each and every day.

The sad thing is I realize that I live my life to be with my husband and need to become more independent. I am not sure how to do this though.

My husband talked to me about moving back to Omaha which really has a lot of pros, we would be able to get a better house, I am more willing to go out there. I would have family for holidays.

Here I basically have the weather.. Which seems to be a silly reason to stay here.. We’ll see what happens when he talks to his boss next week. I hate waiting to find these kinds of things out. Honestly though I want to be in a house at the end of the year. I need some stability. So here or there it’s gonna happen.

For some reason though despite the cold winters, hot summers and tornado season the idea of moving to Omaha kind of excites me.

I hate that I have nothing of value to write but I am keeping my promise to keep doing this every day! so woot


Mania – Can I get an Amen

Mood = Normal? I am not sure what normal is really, so we’ll go with this.

Today I was thinking about my mania, it’s cause me a lot of problems and I am very lucky that it didn’t get me killed with all the risks that I took.  I could have been murdered or caught some deadly VD, but I didn’t. Not that making me feel like a slut and everyone hating me was wonderful but the consequences could have been much worse.

I do miss the way it made me feel. Confident and ready to take on the world. I’m a larger girl who lives in LA, it always make me feel horrible about myself whenever I see the skinny little women that are all over the place.. ugh. When I do have those even hypo-manic days though I feel a little better.

In my mania I bought a computer when I was 19, I couldn’t afford it but it was rent to own and my dad’s girl-friend had one, so I had to do one better. I did not like that woman. It lead me to some very positive things though. BBS’s not sure how many of you remember those? I was able to make friends though and not have to be anything other then me, because we had something in common and they didn’t know the old me.

I was introduced to MMORG’s and in one very large manic episode, met my now husband in one. I rarely left my house at the time and lived with an abusive husband, but this wonderful man I am married to, came to Canada to visit me and the next week I left my country, my family and all my possessions to come to the states to be with him. I have not had one regret about that, EVER.

So there are some really good sides to mania. I miss it, I admit it. Especially with all the depressive states that I get into. I long for the high. Then I remember all the bad things I had done when I was like that.

Sometimes it is good to remember the wonderful though. This illness does some crazy things to us, but it also makes us amazing.