Shrinks and Spit Tests.

So I went to my shrinks this week and found out some interesting things from the spit test dna thing they did. Apparently I will respond well to most medications. (like not have a really diverse reaction) I am really low on folic acid and I also keep benzo’s in my system a lot longer than most people. Was it worth it? I guess I will find out.

She wants me to start taking fast absorbing folic acid but it wasn’t covered by insurance and it was 145 bucks, that is way to much for a monthly pill. So I am going to see if I can maybe take the over the counter kind that takes a little longer to get into your system.

I’ve been having a lot of fun playing Final Fantasy with my husband. I’ve been in a pretty good place except for one low peak the day after my FIL left.

I’m keeping on top of the house, keeping it clean. Making dinner almost every night and my weight loss is going really well so far. I may need to go a little lower in calories or carbs should it stall but right now it works. I am still trying to walk at least a mile every day. I have a hard time sitting still anyhow. I’m looking forward to riding our bikes!

It’s weird to be looking forward to things… really weird.

I Hate Being Broken

I feel like I am just hanging on the edge of breaking down. I feel so broken, little tiny minuscule cracks just waiting for that final tap to send me tinkling to the flow like the shards of crystal from a dropped wine glass. If I didn’t feel it so strongly I would feel like it is merely me waxing poetic. However it just hurts.

I have moments of clarity where happiness shines through. They are short and often followed by anger about everything in my life. Only my wonderful husband and my house being built keep me going each day.

I don’t know what to do with myself or what to be. I feel like it is going to be a very long 6 months and I’m not entirely sure if I will make it. I’m just taking it day by day hoping that nothing pushes me to the point where I completely freak out on someone or something.

One day I will sit down and write all the things that are irking me for now, I will just say in miss music. I hear it now and often cry because I can’t listen to it the way I did when I was in my own home. I hated that apartment but I was at least free to be me.

This feels like prison!

Uneventful and I Like It

Today was boring, I did some cleaning, I did some laundry, I watched probably 10 episodes of pretty little liars and thought about nothing. It was nice! Wasn’t overly emotional. Not weepy, not sad, not anxious or mad.. Just kind of chill.

I started having a little anxiety after mom in law told me what time our hair appointment is on Thursday. It’ll be shrink, therapist, hair salon, busy day.. I’ll just chill tomorro and finish off pretty little liars season 4 and season 3 of revenge.. Ya, I like it.

Can I Get A Woot Woot!!

So I went to the doctor to get a referral for a shrink and the dude gives me a number to call. I never mentioned the things that I want to do to fix my situation just that I needed one for my bipolar 1. I thank him and head home and wait a couple of hours to call. Not really sure why. I was nervous. I am not looking forward to the experimentation that goes with trying to get to more common feelings.

I finally did call the number and it was to a ECT place, not a shrink.. I laughed my ass off after she told me and got forwarded to the actual psychiatrists. I got in the mood disorder specialist, I however told the receptionist that would she just want to give me the ECT I would consider this all solved.

Not been a great day other than that. My husband and I were supposed to have the day alone. My mom and sister decided they were not going to go to Disneyland today and then later on hmm and hawed enough that I asked hubby to take them there so they could leave the car seat in the car. Took him two hours to get there and 1 hour to get back. I am starting to worry that I am just too damn nice at the expense of myself. I have hardly seen my husband since mom came and then we ended up only having a couple of hours to run some errands before he had to head back out the door.

I am so frustrated.. I need a joint.. My muscles are all sore, not sure if it is the stress or the cold that I have, either way I feel like shit and would like to be able to relax and zone out for a while. What a girl to do though..

Why Bipolars Kill Themselves

Do you know why I think that bipolars kill themselves?

I think it is because they can’t get the help they need. There seem to be very few *shrinks* who don’t charge cash or are just so overbooked that they don’t take new patients.. Why are doctors so fucking greedy!!!!  Even the mood disorder clinic here doesn’t take new patients if you are not already a part of their health thingy. Which I don’t even understand at all.

I had to give up my old shrink, she misdiagnosed me, charged me cash and I had to wait a month between visits. Trying to find a new one is appearing impossible. I am so stressed out, no shrink, my mom coming, my dogs pancreatis (sp?)is acting up.. FUCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

I’m not suicidal just frustrated at the moment and I am going to get totally drunk and forget about this shit.. I don’t normally drink but today seems like a good day to start..

I Want To Barf

I finally got up the courage and cut ties with my shrink. I feel like puking now, my hands are shaking my heart is racing. Hello old friend Panic Attack haven’t seen you in a while.

I wonder if I should just see one and let them diagnosis without telling what is actually wrong with me. I mean of course I would offer answers, but I feel like everyone just goes with the easiest course..

She’s Bipolar 1, She’s Bipolar NOS, she’s blah blah blah.. I don’t know I think the first doctor who got me before medication might have know a little more than this last one who saw me partially medicated without any real knowledge of what I was going through.

If someone would have asked me if I had dissociative things happening to me, I would have said no, but I clearly have a lot of leanings this well as well as the bipolar 1.. So maybe I’ll get some real help now that I understand what all these things happening to me really are.

There is nothing worse than telling a doctor you are constantly disconnected from your body and them not even acknowledging it.. Well I start the look today since I am sitting up but mostly numb mode..