lonely

So How Are Things Going So Far

I’m doing better in the sense that I am starting to clean the house a bit and showered today.

Went to the shrinks and she added ¬†150 mg of Wellbutrin for motivation and increased my dosage of Rexulti to 3 mg. Hopefully it will make a difference. I mean I can already see that it is making a difference again because I am feeling things, good, bad, happy, sad the full gambit, though I haven’t really gotten angry at anyone just frustrated. So that’s something, though I would like to feel more of the positive side of the emotions though honestly. Tired of being sad all the time you know? Putting on a happy face so the people around you can’t tell just how shitty you are feeling.

The good thing is it looks I might be frozen in my house for the next couple of days with hubby, so at least this week I will have less time alone.

I’m starting to play Rift again, though I am slightly lost on where to start and how to use my shit, I’ll figure it out though.

 

Wow I’ve Been Missing A Lot

October was not that great to be honest. I was depressed most of the time and spent many, well every day stoned off my ass.

November I started to feel something different. Not quite full happiness but I was wanting to do somethings and be involved. I laughed often. I was also stoned off my ass every day.

Today I am sad. I have legit reasons to feel sad. I’m lonely. My mom left. You know legit shit like that. I hope the meds are working and this is just normal emotions, I’ve felt numb for so long it is hard to tell what is what.

I have way more reasons I should be happy and yet here I am, not happy. Also feeling guilty about not writing while my mom visited as much. I only get so little time with her though.

I’ve signed up for another year for my blog so I guess I’m going to be here for a awhile.

 

Just In A Bad Mood

I’m kind of grumpy though I am not letting hubby know that I am feeling that way because I don’t want him to feel guilty about going on his trip. This will be the longest time we’ve been apart since we’ve been together in the states. The bed will be cold and lonely.

Today I’ve just been sitting around him a lot and hugging the hell out of him whenever I can!

Other than that I am just not a happy camper, but I am trying to enjoy our last night together. So I won’t be writing here any longer today.

 

Exciting Things & Boring Things

I have posted over 500 posts and now have almost 400 followers. I don’t understand it but I’m excited someone wants to read what I am saying, So thank you!

I’ve been getting involved with Facebook more and more as it helps alleviate the loneliness and I only have people I care about on there so I can be myself.

I’m super stressed right now about hubbies upcoming trip but at least my mom in law is going to come and stay over for the four nights he is gone. I’m so thankful for her. My sister in law and her invited me out for a beer today but I just wasn’t up to it because of the stress. Going out is hard enough.

Last night I rode to MacDonald’s with hubby I didn’t want to go so I went. I wish I could do that more. It’ll take time but I’ll get there. I don’t want to be lonely anymore.

I’m Unhappy and Unsettled

I’m so lonely. I want to go out and do things and have fun. I’m tired of being in the house by myself all the time. I feel like I am going crazy.

I think trying to bury my head in weed over my friends impending death was a mistake. I’ve just spend every single day high and stagnant. Today I am not going to do that dammit.

Today I cried over watching someone doing something outside on TV. There is nothing to walk to here and I don’t drive though so I don’t know what to do.

How do I stop feeling so lonely?

To Sleep or Not To Sleep

Every morning I wake up around 10:30, I try to sleep even longer but that seems to be the latest I can sleep in to. Then around 1:30-2:00pm I go and have a nap to make even more of the day go by. I’m lonely and stressed and can’t get motivated to do anything. It generally sucks.

Today to my horror I woke up at 9:00 and didn’t nap. I spent the entire day watching America’s Next Top Model. I got 1 load of laundry done. I was still lonely and stressed but I spent more of my day awake.

I’m not sure which is better, do any of you sleep just to pass the time?

My mood was ok, just ok. Better than depressed though.

 

Fucking Depressed Again

Last night I started to feel blue. Just a little sad. There was no reason for it so I know my bipolar depression was trying to slam it’s heaad through the door.

Sometimes I can just sleep it off. However this morning I woke up twice as sad and I’m feeling very hopeless. I think I will just go back to bed. I see no reason to be awake and spend all day alone and miserable.

later..

Fidget, Fidget

Today my mood is better which is a good thing because I am so fucking bored. I am beginning to wish that I drove. There is nothing to walk to near way I am. It’s like the middle of no where. The lake is pretty but it’s frozen and I don’t know how to skate.

When we get into our house there are a few things in biking distance and a lot more thing being built that I will be able to walk to. Plus I’ll have my stuff so I won’t be bored to death. I’ve been drawing a little but I really want to paint. I’m tired of not having access or ability to do the things that bring me happiness.

It’s day in and day out of TV. I can’t even seem to get into reading. The floor is disgusting so I can’t do yoga. ARGHHH!
At least being pissed because I’m bored is better than being pissed for no reason.

Again this is also really lonely. I’ve been talking to hubby on AIM, tried to get a hold of my BFF but she has a lot going on in her life so I only get to talk to her a bit here and there. I’m just glad she is in my life. Wish we lived closer.

She reminds me that life is worth living, even if you are bored senseless.

Made IT Through Night One

I didn’t think I would be able to sleep last night without my big teddy bear but I managed to fall asleep after 2 hours or so. Luckily they have Cosmos on Netflix and I find it to be very relaxing to listen to or watch as I am trying to sleep.

Ms Ren my little yorkie cuddled up on the bed with me and when I woke up she had managed to take over 3/4 of the bed so it was just like having hubby there. lol.

Today I am really feeling the fact that he is in another town though. I get hugged multiple times a day, followed by snuggles in the evening. It makes me feel weird to not be touched. I don’t like it when anyone but him steps into my bubble, but my bubble feels so empty.

My mood is ok, like I’ve said I’ll take ok over being depressed.

I’m trying to look forward to things like getting on a mood stabilizer and also the big thing of the house.

Not sure if I told you about it yesterday but I found out it is going to be another week before we hear about our closing date, color me disappointed. ¬†Still normally all this stuff would knock me on my ass and leave me stuck in bed sleeping and crying and I’m up and watching some TV trying to figure out something to do with my day.

Can’t wait until we get into the house and I have access to all my stuff. Finding things to do will be easier then.

One more night and day to go to snuggles.. whew..

Teetering

I’m sitting on the edge, close to a precipice looking down. There’s one scraggly tree branch to hold on too as I lean forward and back, trying to balance. Trying not to tip over and fall back into the depression which is knocking on my door.

I woke up and felt it immediately. I wanted to go back to sleep to pretend that it wasn’t knocking at the door. Yet I knew I had to get up and face the day.

We’re trapped currently. It has been snowing and our car is rear wheel drive, so as hopefully most of you know it doesn’t travel well in snow or ice. So I’m stuck. Unable to run and do something that might pick up my mood.

There are things on TV that I don’t want to watch , books I don’t want to read and games I don’t want to play. I feel lonely surrounded by people. I hate this feeling so much.

I’m hoping that I can just relax and it will pass. Maybe it will just be a bad day. It’s only half over maybe it could get better. Right?’