I’m Walking

I woke up this morning and I had to get out of the house, likes minutes after I awoke. Luckily hubby was home and able to walk around the block with me. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it by myself, I’m so thankful he is here. This summer goal is to walk to the corner house and back by myself several times.

Since I’ve come home I’ve been wandering around aimlessly. I’m feel pretty good emotionally actually. I’m gonna try and hold on to that and maybe get something done. I don’t know what yet, but the walk was definitely my high point so far.

Fidget, Fidget

Today my mood is better which is a good thing because I am so fucking bored. I am beginning to wish that I drove. There is nothing to walk to near way I am. It’s like the middle of no where. The lake is pretty but it’s frozen and I don’t know how to skate.

When we get into our house there are a few things in biking distance and a lot more thing being built that I will be able to walk to. Plus I’ll have my stuff so I won’t be bored to death. I’ve been drawing a little but I really want to paint. I’m tired of not having access or ability to do the things that bring me happiness.

It’s day in and day out of TV. I can’t even seem to get into reading. The floor is disgusting so I can’t do yoga. ARGHHH!
At least being pissed because I’m bored is better than being pissed for no reason.

Again this is also really lonely. I’ve been talking to hubby on AIM, tried to get a hold of my BFF but she has a lot going on in her life so I only get to talk to her a bit here and there. I’m just glad she is in my life. Wish we lived closer.

She reminds me that life is worth living, even if you are bored senseless.

Trying To Love Myself

I am on day 3 of my new diet 1800 calories a day/ No caffeine. No Sugar. Walking every single day.

I got a wedding to get in shape for because in 2015 hubby and I are renewing our vows. Hopefully in Hawaii! What woman doesn’t want to look gorgeous in a wedding dress?

Anyhow that gives me 2 year to get to my goal weight. I think I can do it without surgery or extreme measures. I am gonna change my lifestyle. I wanna be a healthier person not just mentally but physically. I am starting to come out of my depression and I can see things more clearly.

I am getting better, the depression was not at bad as it usually is and didn’t last as long. So maybe it’s time I learned to love myself and treat myself as good as I would anyone else. I am going to be what I want to be and stop waiting for some miracle to happen. I have to be the one that makes the changes. No one is going to do it for me.

Now I am gonna go for a walk by the lot, well I guess it is a foundation now. What a sunny warm day to be doing so.

Fall Is Beautiful

Today my husband and I went and explored some woods near the new house. It’s a national forest called Schramm. It’s really quite lovely and I took some really good pictures. I’ll add them to this post later, I have to move them all over the place to get them on here since I didn’t take them with my iPad.

We talked a lot and ended up walking for 3 fricken miles. I am really sore. I’m not sure how much pain I am gonna be tomorrow but I am in some now. It was totally worth it. Even if I have to stay on the couch all day it was worth it.

I need to exercise more. I realize that I moved to a part of the country where being a larger gal is accepted much easier but I don’t want to be this way anymore. Life is short and I want to live it with energy and verve!

Got lots of vitamin D today from MR. Sun. Also hubby is trying to make it so that I can play my games on her computer. Cross your fingers it will give me something to do with my time.

Bipolar’s Stuck In Their Teens

This is my opinion and pertains to me only, so don’t have a shit fit 😛

I feel like I am still stuck in my teens. I am rebellious, precocious, dramatic, manipulative and many other things that pertain to the angst of being a teenager.

I want to be a grown up, but I realize that when it comes down to it, I am just stuck on an emotional level. My husband says I see him as an authority figure as I often say no just to be spiteful. Sometimes I think that is true. Of course when he says it to me I deny it completely because seriously why would I admit that?

It gets worse the more depressed I get typically. When I am happy I am agreeable to most things. I am also more responsible, I spend less and I eat better. My depression is starting to raise it’s ugly head.

I have said in the past few weeks I have been weepy. Well it’s getting worse. Almost anything is setting it off. Really it could have better timing. I have packing to do, I have pictures to take and walks to go on.

I’m starting to feel drained though. Less likely to do anything. This is always the hardest time to be an adult and keep my word. I need to take better care of myself this time around. I can’t let it immobilize me. I need that teenager that is in me to rebel against the depression.

Really all I can do is hope.  Right now I am fighting the urge to just curl back up in bed and sleep.  My grapefruit is still sitting on the counter as I decided to eat crackers and cheese popcorn for my breakfast/lunch. Ugh.

I always feel if I post something on my blog I am more likely to do it, so no matter how shitty I feel tonight I will still go out and take my pictures and I will pack one box as soon as I am done this post. *fingers crossed*