Everything Depresses Me

Today we got our shelving and dressers and I could finally get rid of the last of the boxes. I thought that I would be thrilled and for a few minutes as I looked around I was.

I then realized I had nothing to do. I can’t do laundry until our washer and dryer come Tuesday and I can’t really make much food wise until the fridge gets here.

Plus it doesn’t feel like home. I know it will eventually but right now it feels like a house with our stuff and some new stuff put into it. I am sure some of you understand that.

I should be used to this feeling. I’ve moved a lot in my life. Used to amount to about 1 new place every year and a half but now it feels wrong.

I know part of it is the depression and part of it is the adjustment. I’ll deal with it I always do.

Still Feeling Down

My mood is still down. I know that it is chemical and messing up my meds didn’t help. It’s really frustrating.

I hope that things pick up again soon, after all the stress of moving and living with MIL I think I deserve a little joy .. we’ll see though.

Tomorrow I have an appt with my shrink hopefully she’ll have some insight.

The Stress IS Getting To Me

I just keep worrying about everything. Tomorrow it is supposed to snow .5 to 2 inches and we have bald tires on the car and the next day we need to close on the house and it’s making my stomach hurt thinking about something messing up.

Originally I was just concerned about my social anxiety but now everrything has become a stressor. We’ve had everything set to be delivered in an orderly fashion. We’ve had things set to be set up as long as everything goes according to plan. One dominoe could fuck up the entire thing. UGH.

Why does my brain have to be like this? My husband is so flipping calm. I don’t know how he can be but he just doesn’t stress like me and it drives me bloody bananas.

Just one more day to go and hopefully everything will go ok. If it does I won’t be posting for a couple of days but I think that is a good enough reason to miss posting.

400 Posts

I didn’t realize it at the time but when I posted my blog yesterday it told me it was my 400th post. I’m actually pretty impressed with myself. 🙂

Today I slept til 10:30 but am planning on getting all the laundry done so I can pack most of it up. It’s 7 days until we move into our home and I want to be prepared.

I’m feeling ok today, it feels like it could go above that if things align right.

Tomorrow we go for our second last walk thru of the house. We will be pointing out anything we need fixed before next Thursday when we close. We’ve been checking it out at least once a week, so we already know what we want fixed, which is honestly one thing, the door to the garage. So that should be fun and quick.

I’m so excited that I am going to be able to post from my house in a week. I think that is going to help a lot with the mood swings because my stress is going to go down a lot. I can’t wait to get all my stuff and unpack! I haven’t seen it in 8 months so it will be like opening presents.

Well I’m off to finish the laundry!

There’s No Place

Right now as they pack the last few things we own, my eyes are filled with tears and I feel not only sad but almost like a failure.

I failed to live in California. We have really enjoyed our time here the last few months. I am going to miss the weather and the ocean. I think I am almost going to miss the ocean more than anything else. I’ve never gone in it but loved to sit by its edge and watch the waves rolling in.

I suppose once we get to Omaha I will find something new to do but for today I am sad. I won’t miss this fucking apartment though that’s for sure 😛

Well gotta go, we’re off to Utah!


Last Day Til October

This will be my last blog written on my computer until we buy a house which will be October. We want to be in by Halloween as it is my favorite holiday and I want to be able to decorate. Almost all of our stuff is going into storage until then.

I won’t stop posting but I will be using my IPad or my laptop to write on moving forward so most of the posts are not likely to be perfectly edited. While on the road the next few days I will likely be making very short posts, we want to get to Omaha as soon as possible so it will be post, sleep, drive, mix, repeat.

I am  super stressed out today. In fact as I write this I am having a lot of dissociative feelings. I feel like my head is under the sea.. Everything just doesn’t feel right. I hate that, but what are you going to do right? I’ve taken my antianxiety meds and am mostly just trying not to curl up. It’s my natural reaction. My body shuts down and wants to go to sleep to avoid everything.

Not really something I can do though. The movers will be here in a little over 12 hours and then we will be on the road for 6-8 hours then 2 more days of 8-10 hours, something like that. I takes a while to drive there and there looks like there is going to be weather.. Scary.. fucking weather. I miss it but not the scary stuff, I just hope we are safe. I want to get Omaha with as little stress as possible.

Wish me luck ..

Grumpy Pants

I woke up bitchy, like rip the head off of teddy bears pissed. I realized that I wasn’t actually angry or upset about anything this was just my bipolarity rearing it’s ugly head.  I mostly managed to keep in check only raising my voice or snapping a couple of times.

In the past I would have fed it. I would have just followed a circle of being pissed at being bitchy and eventually turned into a crazy scary person that is throwing shit around the house. That’s not to say I haven’t felt like throwing my mouse through my monitor a couple of times, I just didn’t follow through with it.

I managed to keep myself busy packing, the whole house is almost completely done now. Except for the few things that need to be packed last moment I don’t really have to much left to do. I have a feeling that isn’t going to be a very good thing but I hope I am not going to make a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Who can say. I never know what mood I am going to wake up in.

In 9 days we’ll likely be stopping at our first hotel on the trip, depending on what time the movers come and take all of our stuff.  I am going to try and keep both blogs going, the lumosity will likely have to wait until we are back in Omaha. I plan to do my blogs on my ipad so expect spelling errors! lol I am horrible with small typing keys. Could be worse could be my head phones.

Well I am off to bed gotta sleep when I am tired..

Packing and Nappin

Today was pretty uneventful. I didn’t go out anywhere and I didn’t have any major mood swings. I spent most of my day packing what we are going to take with us on the road and deciding what we would actually need when we bought a home as opposed to just keeping because we might use it sometime in the future.

I realize as we have almost everything packed, we don’t really own anything, all our boxes fit into our tiny dining room area (if you can call it that). The one thing I own a lot of is clothes and shoes. That took up 4-5 boxes! When we finally buy our home we are going to have space to fill and honestly I am excited about it. Not just the shopping but the making a house a home thing.

I had a short nap it was pretty cool, some vivid dreams. I keep opening doors, I wonder what it means.

I feel weird blogging when I don’t have something to bitch about. No one really reads the good posts and I don’t have much to say to myself either other than atta girl keep going.

So going to keep this short and hope that my days moving forward are all filled with non bitchy posts.  I have a strong suspicion that won’t last with the stress of the move looming over my head.. a little over 9 days, eeeee..  That and eventually the crazy is going to pop her head out, she can’t resist. Am I right?

What an Awesome Friday the 13th

I woke up this morning and was in a pretty good mood. Yesterday I was hypo-manic and it carried over to today allowing me to get things done and not giving a shit what people thought about me. I set 1 new goal and got some more of the packing done.

We leave in 12 days OMG, I’m so excited.  I get to see my BFF and travel through parts of the country I have never seen. I mean it’s scary to because we are traveling right down tornado all the way but I really can’t wait to get home! Plus it will be part of my goal to eat pie in every state HA! How is that for food obsessed.

Something awesomely weird happened at the grocery store today. I was walking through the produce isles and this woman says to me, “You are Damn Sexy”. I replied umm thank you and started to walk away when she then says, ” I call em like I see em and I noticed it the second you got out of your car “. Talk about an Ego boost. I’ve never been flirted with so blatantly by anyhow. I’ll take a compliment where I can get them.

Once we got home I was super gung-ho to get some more packing done but I made the mistake of getting a 1 liter Dr. Pepper. Neither the sugar or caffeine agreed with me and after about an hour I was shaking and sleepy and feeling majorly fucked up. Needless to say I went and had a nap. I really think I have to give them both up. I mean I do need to but this sort of just reinforced it.

Now to win the lottery! We got 2 tickets. I don’t need the millions just enough to pay off my bills would be just fine 😀

Hope everyone else had an good day as well!


Decisions Can’t Always Be Made

I’ve found myself depressed for the last 3 days. One of the reasons is I am incredibly stressed out. My husband and I talked both last night and today about the ECT. I thought I had decided to wait until we went to Omaha, it seemed logical. I am sure there is emotional reasons for putting it off as well. My husband thinks I am afraid it won’t work. I suppose that’s true.

Today he offered to talk to his work and I made an appt. for the consultation tomorrow to see if we could do it before we left. I thought it might be ideal. However then I started questioning myself. Am I doing it because I want to do it or because I want him to stay here in CA with me. I honestly don’t know.

We went out to the Marina to lay in the sun and take my daily pictures when I posed these questions to him. I have a very hard time expressing myself emotionally and right now I don’t know what to do. So I am going to wait. I’m going to do nothing.

I don’t want him to leave but I am under so much stress with the move and other things that my body is telling me to chill the fuck out. I think I will. Him leaving isn’t going to be joyful by any means but I don’t want to settle on ECT now and somehow regret it later for doing it for the wrong reasons.

Ya I am mostly also being a chicken shit. I think that under these circumstances it’s ok. I don’t like being pressured and that is what I am feeling on all sides. It’s not good for my health. The option to do it once we moved seems like the best thing for me right now. This way my husband will be able to stay with me on the days I get it done when we move home. Here it would have been harder.

While it might seem like I am arguing with myself with this blog, I’m not. Maybe I am. I just know that I think it’s best to wait for whatever reasons I’m not ready now.