Today I woke up depressed as usual. Hubby decided to put New Girl on Netflix and we watched several episodes and while I wasn’t laughing like him, I felt things lighten a little. Then I got hungry and he went out and picked me up something to eat. He really is a dear even though he can piss me off like no one else. Speaking of which when he came home he did something that pissed me off. I couldn’t let go of it and right now the pissed off feeling still lingers.
Thing is it was something stupid and trivial. I know I should just let it go but my body really loves to hold on the that anger. Or is it the brain? Probably both. I know I’ll calm down eventually but for now I am just pissed that I almost felt good and it’s gone now. FUCK!
It’s almost 5am as I write this and I can’t sleep. My legs are driving me crazy which tends to happen when I spend to much time on them or the temperature is not the same as my body completely. I literally tore on of my favorite tanks trying to rip get it off because it kept getting underneath me. I finally just got out of bed.
I want to punch something hard. Something that would shatter and send shards all over the place. Piercing my skin so I can think about that instead of the fact that I can’t sleep and the anger is just building and building.
I know it’s the mania, I have to be so careful because of hubby and the dogs. I feel so damn hate-filled and destructive though. I’m trying to control my breathing so that I don’t hyperventilate and make things worse. It is so hard to control everything when I am so pissed off at everything.
I don’t even understand the point of it. My fucking broken brain, I just want to stab a knife in the side of my head and shut it the fuck up. JUST SHUT UP!! I hate you.
Must remain calm…
I woke up bitchy, like rip the head off of teddy bears pissed. I realized that I wasn’t actually angry or upset about anything this was just my bipolarity rearing it’s ugly head. I mostly managed to keep in check only raising my voice or snapping a couple of times.
In the past I would have fed it. I would have just followed a circle of being pissed at being bitchy and eventually turned into a crazy scary person that is throwing shit around the house. That’s not to say I haven’t felt like throwing my mouse through my monitor a couple of times, I just didn’t follow through with it.
I managed to keep myself busy packing, the whole house is almost completely done now. Except for the few things that need to be packed last moment I don’t really have to much left to do. I have a feeling that isn’t going to be a very good thing but I hope I am not going to make a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who can say. I never know what mood I am going to wake up in.
In 9 days we’ll likely be stopping at our first hotel on the trip, depending on what time the movers come and take all of our stuff. I am going to try and keep both blogs going, the lumosity will likely have to wait until we are back in Omaha. I plan to do my blogs on my ipad so expect spelling errors! lol I am horrible with small typing keys. Could be worse could be my head phones.
Well I am off to bed gotta sleep when I am tired..
I still plan to fight fight fight. I am starting to do things that I planned to do all along. I am writing my book and I am going to continue my blog and painting.
Though there is that scary anger that is often hidden just beyond the surface. I can feel it there wanting to hurt someone. I haven’t felt it in a very long time and I want to plead with my husband to take the dogs and not come home or tie me up in the bedroom and just allow me enough room to use the facilities. I bet he would if I asked him to, maybe I should ask him to.
I have no reason to be angry. My dog cried to be lifted up on the bed something that occurs daily and I often find cute. I screamed at him to shut the fuck up and closed them out of the room. I feel horrible which is just making me more angry. I am glad the windows and doors are sealed because I know it sounded like an insane person. I need to breathe and think.
This has been gone for a very long time I think my body realizes that it really has no meds in it except a tiny bit of a lithium and viibryd. I haven’t had to deal with this strong of an anger in a very long time. Hopefully it doesn’t last long because the things I have done in the past in anger still haunt me. They take away from the good person I try to be everyday. I want a hug and I want a punching bag and I want to place blame. The only person I can blame is myself. Apparently the lamictal did one little thing and that kept the she-hulk at bay.
My psychiatrist asked I would do therapy I said yes, yet there has been no attempt to connect me with one.. I would love one.. For now I have you guys. Hopefully just talking about it helps. If not I’ll have to look for other positive ways to deal.
It doesn’t help that I was having issues with sleep paralysis last night and it lasted over 4 minutes compared to the normal 30 seconds. Imagine being aware of yourself but unable to move at all, not even the flinch of a finger. I tried to rock my body back and forth nothing happened, my husband slept on peacefully unaware of what was happening to me. I hate that shit..