Today I woke up anxious, sad and very angry. Like punch someone in the face angry. I realised I was having a manic day after my one good mood day. Frustrating to say the least. I screamed and cried and fought the urge to hit someone and eventually it passed. I tried to think of more positive things to bring myself to a better mood. It worked today anyhow.
At least until tonight when I was trying to watch the walking dead. The mood is set, the surround sound on and the lights turned off. You have to watch it wtihout questioning, you just let yourself sink into the show and lose it. I was doing just that when MIL starts questioning everything. It really took me out of the mood and ruined the rest of the show for me and as you know, it was an emotional night if you are watching.
I realize that the moods are going to vary. We are human and I feel that us bipolars are just way more passionate about everything we feel. So much so that we need to be medicated!!!
I was screaming at hubby today as we left to go and try to find a movie to watch. What was I screaming about, I have no damn clue anymore. However a sentence that I said during it caused me to shut up and start bawling. That sentence was …. You know something bad is going to happen right?
A lot of good thing have been happening, I don’t deal well with thing going well and it seems to be causing some mania. As I think about that wonderful high day I had it was definitely was hypo mania. Sure I was happy but I was thrumming with it. It was electric.
I can’t seem to find a level point.
Hubby and I Have decided that I would take on one client for now and see how it goes. I never really thought about it being a trigger for hyper-sexuality, thank you Kitt, that is something I really need to keep an eye on that if I actually get a client.
Thank you to everyone who comments! I’ve mentioned before that I am horrible at responding to comments and then I get to a point where I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if I forgot to respond. I try to be sensitive.
However you guys are amazing and supportive and I you touch my heart and give me hope when tiffs ad feeling pretty hopeless. Thank you so much.
I think I might need to start a new blog just for posting the writing challenges. While I am writing about things in my life I want to keep the focus on my daily life. I’ve felt creative lately though and adore challenges.
I’ve been very manic the last few days, not in a good way either. An example of this is last night I was craving cookies and corn chips. Now when I say corn chips I mean Frito Lay corn chips. My husband was kind enough to set off to the store and get me some snacks, he is such a sweety. However he came home with some regular nacho chips. Which he insisted were corn chips. Technically I suppose so, but his reasoning was not enough for me not to go off on a screaming rant about what real corn chips were. I swear if any overheard they would think I was crazy. I was furious. We each went off into separate rooms.
Once I sat down I realize I was manic and needed to apologize but I knew if I walked back into the computer room at that moment I would just go off on him again. So I sent a text apologizing and just chilled for about 30 mins or so to calm down.
The positive thing about it is I realized what was going on and removed my self from the situation. The bad thing is I insulted the love of my life, who had just done me a favor. I hate the guilt but I damn well deserve it 😦
I still plan to fight fight fight. I am starting to do things that I planned to do all along. I am writing my book and I am going to continue my blog and painting.
Though there is that scary anger that is often hidden just beyond the surface. I can feel it there wanting to hurt someone. I haven’t felt it in a very long time and I want to plead with my husband to take the dogs and not come home or tie me up in the bedroom and just allow me enough room to use the facilities. I bet he would if I asked him to, maybe I should ask him to.
I have no reason to be angry. My dog cried to be lifted up on the bed something that occurs daily and I often find cute. I screamed at him to shut the fuck up and closed them out of the room. I feel horrible which is just making me more angry. I am glad the windows and doors are sealed because I know it sounded like an insane person. I need to breathe and think.
This has been gone for a very long time I think my body realizes that it really has no meds in it except a tiny bit of a lithium and viibryd. I haven’t had to deal with this strong of an anger in a very long time. Hopefully it doesn’t last long because the things I have done in the past in anger still haunt me. They take away from the good person I try to be everyday. I want a hug and I want a punching bag and I want to place blame. The only person I can blame is myself. Apparently the lamictal did one little thing and that kept the she-hulk at bay.
My psychiatrist asked I would do therapy I said yes, yet there has been no attempt to connect me with one.. I would love one.. For now I have you guys. Hopefully just talking about it helps. If not I’ll have to look for other positive ways to deal.
It doesn’t help that I was having issues with sleep paralysis last night and it lasted over 4 minutes compared to the normal 30 seconds. Imagine being aware of yourself but unable to move at all, not even the flinch of a finger. I tried to rock my body back and forth nothing happened, my husband slept on peacefully unaware of what was happening to me. I hate that shit..