Yesterday I decided to play an online roleplaying game. I didn’t know anyone but was happy to wander around by myself exploring and killing things. You know relaxing.
There was a person who offered to friend me so I decided what the hell sure. Got to start somewhere.
At first they were really nice. Made me some armor, power leveled me. Kept encouraging me. Invited me to join their guild so I would have comrades.
Turns out it was just a skeevy male looking to get his cyber on with some poor unsuspecting woman. Sadly I just logged out after that. It made it hard for me to play and I didn’t feel like having a conversation about it.
Reminds me of the old days where men were mostly out to get some cyber, luckily one of those men introduced me to my husband who showed me they weren’t all bad. It makes me lose hope in making online friends though.
My mood has been middle of the road, today it is kind of meh. I am hoping it will get better. It’s cloudy and cool outside. I don’t feel much like doing anything but I am trying to do things regardless of how I am feeling about doing stuff at the moment.
Trying to stay motivated and not crawl back into bed.
I’ve been so stressed out.I really hate the holiday season it gets me all up in arms. I’ve decided to not do things a month ahead because I’m so anxious about still being sick. I think that I said yesterday I had gotten a second cold and sadly I am still having tummy issues. It makes it hard to live like I should. I am tired of my social anxiety.
I realize I am better than I was even just 2 years ago where I never left the house for any reason. Yet it feels like I am backsliding. As I write this I am fighting off a panic attack. My arms are prickling which I know is the start of a breathing panic attack. So I am trying to breathe slowly and realize even though I have a cold I am alright.
I just want to be in my home. My own home where I can feel ill and comfortable. I don’t know if you can imagine what it is like to feel ill while living in someone else’s home. It’s very uncomfortable. Even though we stay in a room here I feel like I don’t have a place to be alone. Even though we are family it still doesn’t feel right. I feel alone, yet not.
It’s so very hard to describe it, but it is not making life very easy right now.
Gonna give in and take a clonezapam however it’s spelled.. I’m gonna go and try and relax now.
I haven’t been in the best of moods lately as you know. Today I thought for a moment it might have actually lifted. I managed to keep busy and not dwell on sitting alone by myself for yet another day. I wasn’t ready to kill someone either.
Needless to say my mood fooled me again. About 20 minutes before my husband came home I get recklessly angry. You know where you could easily hurt someone if you didn’t concentrate completely on keeping control of your anger. This is my mania coming through. It’s a step down from depression to be perfectly honest. At least with depression I am only dangerous to me.
My stomach hurts from keeping poison words in and not letting myself hurt the people I love with the words that can escape my lips.
I would kill for a punching bag right now. Definitely an investment to make once we get into the house for now I will just develop an ulcer while I just hope no one says anything to incredibly foolish to me.
Everything is pissing me off. I am super annoyed at almost everyone. (cept hubby) I just am an angry, grumpy, pissy sick person. Some of the agitation is got good reason but is made worse by me feeling off.
I love painting and the fact that I have to move it off the table for 2 wholes months for two meals just pisses me off. The table has gotten used more by me then anyone. Taking it away from me is kind of mean. It was suggested that I could go down into the creepy basement to paint.. ugh no, did I mention that the basement is creepy.
Apparently that has been simmering below the surface. I feel like I am living in a damn foster home where I can only really do anything in my room. Everywhere else I need to maintain a calmness that is not there and I need to not do anything fun.
Needless to say that I am annoyed. ANNOYED.
Anyhow that is my life right now.
While last night seemed like a great idea. I’m lucky I didnt wake up with a hangover. I am still bitchy and touchy and all it did was grant me a small reprieve from the stresses of everyday life.
Having all the nephews and niece over reinforced the fact that I dont really dig kids and glad hubby and I stuck to dogs. The can be a pain but you can leave them on their own and they dont talk.
I know I am supposed to socialize more but I think it is going to be hard to find people who feel similar to me.
They still haven’t started the framing on the house and it is driving me bananas.
I’m just generally pissed and frustrated with everything.
Today I am so annoyed and not positive feeling. I dont want to do positive things. I want to yell and scream and possibly punch someone on the neck.
I don’t want to work on my diet. I dont want to be friendly and conversational. I dont want to carve my pumpkins and I dont want to fucking shower.
Being a rapid cycler is horrible.
So hubby asnd I are going to do the thing natures likes us all to do since we have the house to ourselves and bam! in walks the mother in law yelling is anybody home? Hello? Hello?
Well the fucking car is in the driveway lady obviously we are home.
I’m pissed! We rarely have sex and I’m rarely in the mood for it and it is ruined.. fuck fuck fuckity fuck..
Living with my mom in law is not all that it is cracked at to be.
There are going to be times when there is conflict. Food, TV Shows, etc.
I can see the conflicts coming.
I love hanging out with her. I miss time alone with my husband. I miss being able to watch or listen to what I want.
I’m gettting pre-frustrated. Ya thats a word, now anyhow. lol.
Must breathe, breathe..
My mood is so all over the place.
I was in a good mood today my animes arrived in the mail and I was so happy to start watching them. I cried when. The opening and closing credits for each episode. They were tears of happiness though.
Hubby came home, he was at the clinic and has bronchitis the poor man. Yet no one could make decisions about dinner and it sent me off on a tirade about picking out food. I was so pissed.
Admitted I had talked to my daughter for a few minutes. It was good but still seemed to connect to my getting my hackles rised.
Right now I would just like to take hubby to a hotel, snuggle in bed and watching some anime while he heals.
Yet the reality is I will be watching alone and he will be sick at work. Spreading his sickness amongst his co- workers as opposed to laying in bed where his ass should be.
Hopefully my cold continues to get better, I don’t want part of that crap.
I would like to just be happy. Also been raining all day and I haven’t been out of the house but for a minute. I need out of the prison once a day at least.
Need to buy a UV therapy light soon. Any suggestions??