If you’ve read my blog, you know it’s been quite a while since I’ve last written anything.
Last night me and the hubby were having a conversation about it, and he said to me, just do it. We went back and forth, and I really didn’t have a reason for not doing it.
I’ve felt frozen trying to do anything. Even right now as I write this, I’m having to really push it out.
My meds are working pretty well. The depression is not sticking around as long as it usually does. It’s only happening 4-7 days as compared to the usual months. My mania is coming around a little more often and I need to watch out for my usual behaviors.
Anyhow I’m going now. I hope I’ll be back tomorrow.
I am feeling the urge to create. Usually I do this with painting or creating dimensions in Rift but my mind is completely blank!
My mood has been better lately, not the best today but still better than it has been in the past. I suppose my meds are working somewhat. That’s a good thing. However I am stuck in the worst possible rut and feel like saying meh every time I come up with a thought to do something. It’s annoying.
I thought maybe I could at least write but even now as I am writing the words are struggling to come out.
It’s really pissing me off.
I’m listening to music hoping it will help, it’s not doing much so far except I am enjoying some of my favorite songs so I guess that is something.
It’s so hard to describe how I am feeling, honestly I feel like I’m on the treadmill of life, it doesn’t go anywhere but at least I’m moving.
I suppose it is all better than being so depressed I can’t get out of bed and I should be grateful for the positive things that are going on in my life. I mean I’m blessed. I have a wonderful supportive husband, I got some great family and I have a gorgeous grandson that is almost a year old. Sadly I’ve never met him. I collect pictures and videos my daughter sends me though.
anyhow I apparently have nothing to write so I give up for now.
So apparently I’ve had this blog for 3 years. I really need to start writing more again.
I have been pretty self involved lately and have been doing things I want to. The amazing thing is I want to do things. I mean the want to do anything is amazing.
I haven’t done anything exciting and I’m almost ready to start doing some painting, just waiting for an easel that I purchased. I’m going to be trying painting with Bob Ross so for Christmas hubby let me get a bunch of new brushes and paints, I’m very excited but also very nervous about it, not sure why I am nervous but I just am.
I went a couple of weeks I think without weed, it was interesting. I find I can do fine either way.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with hubby too. Woot, love spending time with that man.
I need to get out of here. I don’t need to leave for more than a few days but I need a change.
Today’s accomplishments were cleaning up the floors, and doing a couple of loads of laundry and actually putting it away. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some more and finally get caught up. I’m still finding it hard to get motivated. I feel like a Emo kid. Sigh I don’t want to do anything but maybe if I start something, than I’m all like what the fuck did I get myself into and that’s how I get anything done at all. Which I really haven’t much, which is why I haven’t posted.
Only reason I am posting today is I’m stoned and accidentally went to my blog page. Then I had to write. I mean I do want to write more don’t get me wrong, again it’s that lack of motivation thing happening. I wish I could force myself to sleep just whenever and than I would have a way to pass time.
Even looking for a way to finish this is exhausting.
My mom came yesterday that is why I didn’t post. Plus I had mom in law and sis in law and some kids over as well.
Tonight we’re going to watch the remake of rocky horror picture show, stoned off our asses.
The pot definitely stops me from writing the way I should. I didn’t even post yesterday and it didn’t even bother me until right now.
My husband is sick. I hope he doesn’t give it to me.
See I got nothing to write.
Here is a movie of some of the fireworks. I just don’t feel like posting 😦
Missed posting yesterday I think. I went over to the MiL’s way earlier than planned and then stayed later.
I survived 3 days of being surrounded by people for hours. I’m still glad it’s over though. I never really felt comfortable any where. I spent a lot of my time on the front porch by myself getting stoned. It really helped me get through it. It may totally fuck up my depression but it helps with the anxiety. Wish I didn’t have to quit it eventually, but I know I do.
Today we are supposed to be visiting with the in laws and their family. I guess technically since i married into it, it is also my family. I won’t be around to post my log later but I wanted to make sure I at least posted a sentence today. I hate when I miss posting days, which is all of em dammit.
I have the sound turned off on my iPad, so no alarm.
I remembered now and it’s before midnight my time so I made it!
First day with the FIL, I made it through with the help of my little green friend.
Apparently tomorrow we are going to have to go to MIL’s for a dinner, this was unplanned but I just have to make it through this holiday.