No Creativity

I am feeling the urge to create. Usually I do this with painting or creating dimensions in Rift but my mind is completely blank!

My mood has been better lately, not the best today but still better than it has been in the past. I suppose my meds are working somewhat. That’s a good thing. However I am stuck in the worst possible rut and feel like saying meh every time I come up with a thought to do something. It’s annoying.

I thought maybe I could at least write but even now as I am writing the words are struggling to come out.

It’s really pissing me off.

I’m listening to music hoping it will help, it’s not doing much so far except I am enjoying some of my favorite songs so I guess that is something.

It’s so hard to describe how I am feeling, honestly I feel like I’m on the treadmill of life, it doesn’t go anywhere but at least I’m moving.

I suppose it is all better than being so depressed I can’t get out of bed and I should be grateful for the positive things that are going on in my life. I mean I’m blessed. I have a wonderful supportive husband, I got some great family and I have a gorgeous grandson that is almost a year old. Sadly I’ve never met him. I collect pictures and videos my daughter sends me though.

anyhow I apparently have nothing to write so I give up for now.

Missed Nothing

I forgot to write my blog yesterday because I was watching a show when my alarm went off and thought for sure I would remember later.. I did not.

Yesterday I was pretty miserable. Today I am just highly anxious about next week. Listening to my crush sing for a while helped a little though. Made me stop thinking for a bit. Every time I want a little pick me up I watch the videos on YouTube and it gives me a tiny lift if I am not at rock bottom.  Maybe this means I’m on the way to an upswing. *fingers crossed*

I did try to nap today though but it was because of the anxiety, not the depression. Was not successful my brain just never shuts up.

Next week I have to go and sign the papers that sell our old home and I have to go to the INS for my new permanent resident. I rarely go out and when I do I usually prefer not to be where people are, but I have to go to both of these things and I have to interact. Terrifying I tell ya. I just have to remember that my anti-nausea meds and mint gum are my best friends in those situations.

Music sounds good today, that’s a really good sign.  I’m afraid to hope though.

Stressed Out

I’ve been kind of blocking the fact that hubby is leaving Monday for 5 days. Today he brought it up and now I’ve been obsessing about it. I’m so glad my mom in law is coming to stay with me. I don’t know that I could do 4 whole days with no outer contact. I was trying to listen to music but it seemed like every song that came on had something to do with missing someone. I got teary and shut the music off.

The new weed is not that great. It makes me over eat and makes me just want to lounge. I prefer something that keeps my body moving.. ah well.

I’m gonna go spend time with hubby while I can.

Small Suicide List

*these are the songs I listen to when I am feeling suicidal and they usually bring me out of it* It’s not a list to play while you kill yourself. Call someone for help if you are feeling that way and can’t get out of it.

Switchfoot – Meant to Live

Three Days Grace – Never Too Late, Pain

Breaking Benjamin – Close to Heaven

Seether – Broken Featuring Amy Lee

Skillet – Awake and Alive

Give them a listen and see what you think, it’s just a few I would have to put way more effort into the whole list. I’m still creating it on pandora.

Suicide Music

I have several songs that I listen to when I am feeling suicidal and they make me feel if not better at least under control.

They are songs about fighting for your life, even if the monster is within you.

I’ll have to put together a list, maybe they’ll help someone else.



I Don’t Think Much Of Sundays

I always get a feeling of dread on Sunday. I start thinking about all the time I will be spending alone the next week before the weekend comes. I honestly live for the weekend and than I don’t even do anything with them

All I’ve been doing is listening to music and pulling into myself. Not sure why, but you can tell all the music I am listening to has kind negative feelings though sometimes they are super upbeat songs. They just remind me of how I feel sometimes.

I need to grab hubby and do something.. I’m gonna do that now.


Today I have been having feelings, like a range of them. I wouldn’t think much about it except that I have been only really feeling two the last several months. Sad mostly, with a touch of happy here or there. I guess three if you count terror as an emotion.

None of these feelings were out of place. I was hurt because of something someone did. I cried because of a sad story that I read. I got angry because I felt betrayed a little. I also got happy because I listened to some music. It is all rather nice.  It’s better than I’ve felt in a while. I’ll take it one day at a time.

I decided not to go to my doctors. I’m going to see if my shrinks advice, meds and help work to fix my issues first. I promised hubby if things didn’t improve in a month I would go to the doctors though. I’m hoping I don’t have to.

I think I am going to try and get back to my happy place and put on some music and play some World of Warcraft.

Listen To The Music

Trying hard to be easier on myself. I’m still smoking the weed, but I will be out in a couple days and will decide if I will get more then not now.

I’ve been up feeling like shit physically and it’s dragging me down. So I decided to put on some music and see if that would help. Funnily enough it did. I always forget the positive effect that music has in my life.

I put on some up beat dance music and even danced a little as I sang my favorites at the top of my lungs. It definitely helped some of my anxiety, well until I thought about it too much.

Does music affect your moods?

Music Really

It always amazes me just how much music can lift my mood. A few 80’s songs in the car and even if I am depressed I start singing along with it.

Today my mood was somewhat better. I was kind of in a meh zone. However tonight I turned on my tunes and played one of my games and zoned everything out and I started to feel more positive. The longer I listened though the more I wanted to sing my lungs out.

I grabbed my iphone and usb speaker and hopped in the shower and turned those tunes up even louder and sang my brains out.

I feel like I’ve sat through a couple of therapy sessions. It feels wonderful. I need to remember that before I had a home where I listened to music every single day. Every single day.

Now I live mostly without music and it is apparently affecting my moods as well as everything else that is going on. I need to remember that I will perk up if I am listening to my tunes. Maybe it won’t completely pull me out of a depression but it will help.

When A Kid Can Be a Kid

Today I decided to write on a lighter note. I was thinking about when I was younger before I went all crazy. I thought I would list some of the things I loved to do as a kid. Maybe you would like to think about this yourself, we all have some good memories, even if we are haunted by the bad.

Favorite Games:

The Floor Is Lava!: The funny thing about this is I thought me and my sister had created this game. However it seems to be a game that many kids had created or been taught. Interesting though.

Marbles:  Marbles was so much fun for me because little did I know it covered a couple of my needs, collecting and gambling lol.

Freeze Tag: I loved this game. Actually any game of tag really. The thrill of being chased.

Favorite TV Shows:

Electra Woman and Dina Girl : I actually have a dvd of this and watching it now I realize just how cheesy it was, but still adore it! I remember me and my sister would tuck our t-shirts into our underwear and pretend to be them!

H.R. Pufnstuf : Again I own this still and am not sure what I liked about it, though it still makes me giggle.

Wonder Woman: Sense a theme here? I did and will always love Wonder Woman.  I was a naughty girl who stole a giant comic book about her from the school because the library wouldn’t let me take it out anymore.

Favorite Sport(s):

Gymnastics: This was my favorite thing to do in the world, I did flips and cartwheels all over the place instead of walking, hehe. I did this for 9 years and it kept me happy and focused while I did it.

Track and Field: I’m short, and have always been but that never stopped me from doing long jumps, high jumps and hurdles when I was a kid.

Favorite Season:

Autumn: Has and always will be. I know a lot of kids liked Christmas but I loved Halloween more. (still do!) Plus I loved the smells and the cool rains. The crispness of the air. I never liked being too warm.

Favorite Song(s):

Billy Don’t be a Hero :

Da Doo Run Run :

Beth :

Favorite Place To Be:

This one is so easy. Outside!! Most kids when I was young, never wanted to be home. We didn’t have computers or Ipads and cell phones. In fact you had to call a landline and we could listen to each others calls without anyone knowing lol. I was outside as long as I was allowed. Even in the cold of winter I loved being out and playing in the snow.

What kind of good memories do you have as a kid?