I hate being over stimulated and having a guest staying with me, always does exactly that.
My father in law was supposed to stay with us for a weekend is now staying with us for 9 days, maybe more I don’t know. He came into town for my sister in laws divorce and Easter. I now have to budget our meals differently. Watch TV shows I have no interest in and just generally not feel comfortable at all. Plus my lower back is killing me from sitting on the couch all day. Tomorrow I clean. It is starting to make me feel depressed. Apparently this is a huge trigger.
Plus we had 4 people from my husbands work drop by for a tour of the house. That was really stressful, but now we might have a couple to hang with! So that’s something good that came out of all this.
On the plus side when I woke up this morning I was officially down 20 pounds! That makes me happy as hell. I have a lot more to go but I am going to celebrate all the losses. 20 pounds is a huge deal.
Except for the last couple days my mood has been better. I am trying not to get down but I can feel my joy slipping away as I slide further into this hell. I’m not getting to hang with hubby either.
I’m frustrated to say the least though. I don’t know what to do about it.
I think I’ve probably said multiple times how I just love to dream. They are always so vivid and realistic. I have such a hard time getting up in the morning because I enjoy them so much. I can continue a dream where it left off so if I have to wake up in the middle of the night I just go back to it. Apparently not everyone can do this, so it makes me glad.
My mood yesterday was down right bitchy. My dog Charlie is being a particularly picky eater right now but the dogs have to be on the food they are on because of Ren’s pancreatis. (not sure how it’s spelt). So anyhow the little bugger will starve himself until he feels sick then throws up. I don’t know what to do about it. I might have to feed them separately. As it is, I have to sit on the floor with them to make sure Charlie does eat when he will. I would have to do it even more to keep Ren out of his food. *sigh*
I didn’t go to my shrinks yesterday because of the bad mood and some tummy issues. I hate having to change it, but what are you supposed to do when you need to stay close to the washroom? Bah.
Yesterday I went to my therapists and I found myself struggling to find something to actually talk about. I know as bipolars talk therapy is beneficial and will have us with our recovery. Bah recovery seems like the wrong word. We don’t ever truly get better it’s more like parts of us go into remission if we are lucky.
I find when I am in a good place none of the bad stuff really stands out. The same goes for when I am in a bad place, none of the good really stands out. Should I try for therapy when I am only in a bad place. I think that would be very difficult, considering I can’t even get in to see her again until late May.
I’ve been enjoying life more lately. Keeping my house sparkling clean, cooking meals every night, doing laundry and dishes as they need to be done instead of letting them build up. I’m playing games on the computer with my husband again and it feels really good. I’m also trying to get in at least a mile every single day and am losing weight.
I know the depression is going to come again but I’m trying to avoid thinking about that and just stay in the moment.
My internet was down yesterday but the days I missed before that are all on me. I thought that once I got my computer back it would be even easier to remember to write everyday but I am trying to live life and I got busy actually having fun.
I was playing outside with my dogs, walking and playing on the computer with hubby until the wee hours of the night. I’d like to say I am going to be writing every day going forward but it’s not a promise I can keep. I am going to be writing at least a couple times a week, maybe more.
My mood has been pretty good for the last few days. Normally it is depression that makes me forget things but happiness did it this time so I really just can’t complain.
I go back to my therapists tomorrow then see my shrink 2 days later. I wonder if she heard about my saliva test. I guess I’ll see.
Most people would think much of it but people recovering from agoraphobia will dig where I’m coming from.
I walked to the mail box all on my own. It’s about half a block away from the house so that’s really the farthest I have gone on my own since California. (over 8 months) I think this is something I need to start adding to my daily things since it gets me exercising and gives me exposure to the outdoors? What do you think?
My mood is ok today. Not super up but not super down. I’m just right in the middle where I can smile and I can frown.
My shrink wants me to set my alarm in the morning and start taking my wellbutrin and pristiq earlier but I am still fighting to sleep as late as I can. I manage to sleep until 11:00. I don’t know what I would do with myself with those two extra hours. I think I am going to have to take her advice though.
I start therapy again in 4 days so maybe that will help, we shall see.
It doesn’t feel natural though to be not posting every day. I don’t want to get out of the habit of it either. I need to fix my shit and get back to writing every day. I wasn’t going to post every day because I don’t always have something to say and I don’t want people to be bored but I am going to make sure I do it for myself.
My mood has been kind of middle of the road. I managed to make it being by myself until almost 10 o’clock last night though because hubby had a work dinner. So I think that I handled that pretty good. I didn’t crawl into bed and I didn’t break down into tears and was even encouraging about it. So good for me.
It’s grey out today and it’s hard to be in a good mood when the world is cold and yucky. I’m trying though. Think I am going to do some housework or workout or something physical.
Yesterday I had a horrible time getting out of bed but every time I would fall back asleep I would have dreams of trying to kill myself. It was super weird. They were incredibly vivid.
It turned out to be one of those days where I didn’t feel like I could be alone but I had no choice. I was just generally sad and confused about my dreams.
I ended up cleaning the house though and managed to walk over a mile and a half which I think is pretty good for a depressed person.
Today I again had a hard time getting out of bed, my dreams were still vivid but they were about having to do things to save my life.
My brain seems to be stuck on a theme. I’m not entirely sure why but every time something negative pops in my head I tell myself that those are not my real feelings and move past it.
My shrink says that she wants for me to be happy to wake up each day and not mind being by myself and even possibly enjoy it. I don’t know if that will happen. There isn’t a lot for me to do currently. I’m not feeling creative or explorative. I don’t want to be on my computer and I’m tired of watching the same TV shows every day.
I can’t let this get me down though. I need to figure out how to enjoy life more. I’m lucky and have my physical health. People that are worse off are living and fighting to enjoy each day so I should be able to do it.
I’m sure in time it will be different. I plan to start working out tonight, that should help. I’ve already started a low carb, high protein diet. I’m losing weight and I’m working hard to keep my house clean. Maybe I need to spend more time on myself. What do I need?
Yesterday I decided to play an online roleplaying game. I didn’t know anyone but was happy to wander around by myself exploring and killing things. You know relaxing.
There was a person who offered to friend me so I decided what the hell sure. Got to start somewhere.
At first they were really nice. Made me some armor, power leveled me. Kept encouraging me. Invited me to join their guild so I would have comrades.
Turns out it was just a skeevy male looking to get his cyber on with some poor unsuspecting woman. Sadly I just logged out after that. It made it hard for me to play and I didn’t feel like having a conversation about it.
Reminds me of the old days where men were mostly out to get some cyber, luckily one of those men introduced me to my husband who showed me they weren’t all bad. It makes me lose hope in making online friends though.
My mood has been middle of the road, today it is kind of meh. I am hoping it will get better. It’s cloudy and cool outside. I don’t feel much like doing anything but I am trying to do things regardless of how I am feeling about doing stuff at the moment.
Trying to stay motivated and not crawl back into bed.
I haven’t really had anything to write about honestly. I was doing tons of laundry, which I finally finished. Yay!
My mood has been ok and I believe the wellbutrin is keeping me motivated, however I am going to run out of housework kinds of things to do then I am not sure where I’ll stand.
I hope to get back into my computer games and I also plan to exercise every day.
I’m almost back down to 250, I want to get below that so badly. I started lowcarb/high fiber again and I hope it does the trick now that it is just hubby and I.
MIL would sabotage unintentionally all the time so now is the time to prove it was her and not me!
Yesterday was my birthday so I didn’t post.
Honestly I had a lot to do. Nothing celebratory but I had to wash a lot of laundry and go shopping to fill my freezer and fridge.
Hubby and I really didn’t celebrate this year because of buying the house the day before his birthday and the appliances coming on mine. I did have my last piece of cake though!
I only bought low carb/high protein foods and we didn’t buy any junk. We are going to try and eat better and now that we don’t need to eat take out anymore it should be a lot easier.
My shrink appt went well. I did the spit dna test that determines which meds should be best for you. She upped my wellbutrin to 300mg a day since it was actually getting me out of bed and left the rest of my meds as is.
She said the goal is to get me out of bed and me enjoy being out of bed.
I still have tons of laundry to do today so I am going to stop writing. I own way too many clothes from depression/mania shopping but I can’t pair down just yet.