living

Yesterday Was A Bad Day

Yesterday I had a horrible time getting out of bed but every time I would fall back asleep I would have dreams of trying to kill myself. It was super weird. They were incredibly vivid.

It turned out to be one of those days where I didn’t feel like I could be alone but I had no choice. I was just generally sad and confused about my dreams.

I ended up cleaning the house though and managed to walk over a mile and a half which I think is pretty good for a depressed person.

Today I again had a hard time getting out of bed, my dreams were still vivid but they were about having to do things to save my life.

My brain seems to be stuck on a theme. I’m not entirely sure why but every time something negative pops in my head I tell myself that those are not my real feelings and move past it.

My shrink says that she wants for me to be happy to wake up each day and not mind being by myself and even possibly enjoy it. I don’t know if that will happen. There isn’t a lot for me to do currently. I’m not feeling creative or explorative. I don’t want to be on my computer and I’m tired of watching the same TV shows every day.

I can’t let this get me down though. I need to figure out how to enjoy life more. I’m lucky and have my physical health. People that are worse off are living and fighting to enjoy each day so I should be able to do it.

I’m sure in time it will be different. I plan to start working out tonight, that should help. I’ve already started a low carb, high protein diet. I’m losing weight and I’m working hard to keep my house clean. Maybe I need to spend more time on myself. What do I need?

Don’t Jump The Gun

I’ve been feeling crappy all damn day. Feeling ill gives me anxiety. It’s the one thing that can undo me.

I have been considering cancelling my therapy session and my visit to the salon all because I feel ill now.

I was upfront with my husband about it, though honestly if I cancel I likely wont be. He told me not to jump the gun.

I hate that it makes me so anxious that I plan to just hunker down and not leave the house. It’s ridiculous.

Tonight I at least got to watch TV shows that I enjoy(ed).

Short post tonight cause of the naughty tummy. Tomorrow will be better I’m sure.

Black and White

I always see things in black or white. I’ve decided that I am going to start trying to see the grays.

My therapist told me it’s all about the way you look at things and being more accepting of people and situations. I really need to do this as I always absolutely love or hate someone. It will be interesting to try.

My depression is here and I’ve felt so down most of the day but I’m not going to allow it to make me not do things. So I painted, I played on the computer and I’ve agreed to try and find a meetup group so I can explore friendships.

Also hubby said there was a company looking for telemarketers right near his work. I’m gonna apply and see if I can get the job. Why not. I think I can work. It doesn’t hurt anything to try.

Can is my new word.

Tooth and Circumstance

Last night I bit into a drumstick ( the ice cream kind ) and the whole front of my tooth broke off.

I suppose a little backstory would help. When I was 8 I decided to be a little stunt person and go down a slide on my head, needless to say they it didn’t go well, I hit my mouth on the side and broke my front tooth almost completely out. The dentist gave me a root canal and created what I thought was a tempory crown which he replaced two years later.

35 years later, the damn thing shattered, I went to the dentist today and they told me that the tooth was completely fucked and I had two choices, bridge or implant. Either way they tore that rotten ol thing out and I has a gap in the front. Talk about feeling white trash.

Anyhow I am on Percocet and feeling mighty fine but this is definitely going to be a pain in the ass. I get a floater tooth on Thursday and then in 3 months I get my implant. The good part is that my front teeth will match in color for the first time in 35 years..

I did handled it like a champ though. I totally rocked without freaking out, so go me!!!