January | 2014 | A Bipolars Reality

I am starting to feel a little better now. My body isn’t hurting as much as it was before and I can actually stand without falling over. Yay!

I wish I could remember to take my pills, you would think that it is so vital for my existence to take them that I would remember. Pain, nausea, faintness heart palpitation’s for missing a week of Lamictal. Wish they warned you about those side effects.

The my viibryd works better than anything else I have taken and I think I have pretty much taken them all. Kind of like a last chance and I still manage to mess it up.

I am hoping that writing this blog will help both me and others if someone decides to read it.

Unmedicated I was a hot mess. I was violent and impulsive and so much more.. I came so close to losing the man of my dreams by pushing him away. You definitely do not want to lose someone who always treats you with kindness regardless of how batshit crazy you act. It’s always so hard for us to have relationships. I don’t even have any friends because I don’t have the ability to be a responsive person. I disappear into the cracks for months then show up again.

Ugh I got off on a rant.. That’s me lol

Yesterday I woke up feeling cheerful and hopeful, I talked my husbands ear off! I am sure he was quietly in his mind going omg woman shut up lol. The day before that I couldn’t even get out of bed, let alone talk.. I just wanted to sleep and forget the world around me, moving was a pain both mentally and physically. Depression is crippling and it makes me miss the mania.. I missed almost a week of my antipsychotic and it completely threw my emotions for a loop. I highly advise that you never ever go off your meds without the assistance of your doctor.

It always seem like a good idea to stop taking what I think is a poison that fills my veins, but it keeps me from completely ruining my life and/or killing myself. Even now with being on the meds I don’t have that much control over my emotions. People say to meditate or some other Zen type thing, but you have a gazillion thoughts racing through your head it is pretty much impossible..

Hopefully they will figure out my meds enough that I can have some semblance of a normal life.. I look forward to that day very much!