It’s Hard To Be A Friend

As you know I often complain of being lonely. I have no clue how to make new friends and I am pretty anti-social. I have two people I would consider friends. My husband and My BFF Dani. We don’t talk as much as a lot of friends. We are both bipolar and have always just disappeared and reappeared in one another’s lives. That was ok with me.

I was often afraid to reach out even though she is always supportive and tells me the truth as opposed to what I want to hear. She is the only person that I allow to speak to me this way. I love her very much. Yet I am a horrible friend. She is going through some very big stuff and I’ve been wrapped up in my own stupid shit. My stuff really isn’t that important.

When we do talk she often asks about me and doesn’t give much info on herself and how she is doing. I find it frustrating and it makes me feel selfish.

My friend has cancer, I’m depressed. BFD on my end…

Needless to say I feel like a shitty friend.

It’s All Good

Went to the dermatologist and paid 50 bucks for less than thirty seconds of his time. Oh you are all good, no bad moles at all. So happy and perky, I wanted to punch him in the face.

I have no idea why I am so angry about it. I should be thrilled. Nothing wrong with me, but I am mad. I think it is because of all the anxiety I have felt about it. The quick you are fine didn’t seem to be enough to have merited all the anxiety I have felt since last week.

I did get a lot of things done after. A nice breakfast with my husband. I needed to get some blood taken for my shrink. She wants to test the common things, thyroid, vitamin d, liver levels and a couple of others I didn’t recognize.

She gave me a new medication benztropine to help with the restlessness that I feel. I can never sit still, so I am to start taking it at bed time. Not sure if I take enough sedative like meds, xanax, clonezapam and now this new one. I should be really relaxed anyhow.

My therapy also went really well though I ended up talking about my husband for most of the hour. I put him on a pedestal. I know it and the therapist says that maybe I need to do just that. I don’t understand why but I think she is right. He’s the one person I idolize in my life and he is a good moral person.

It’s hard for me to love or even like a person. I’m learning though. This blog helps a lot, it gives me interaction with people I normally wouldn’t have encountered in my life. So this blog is good for all sorts of things.

Thank you for the people who comment and support and even those who just read, you make me feel less alone in the world.

Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World

I was watching  this movie last night when I couldn’t sleep. It had Steve Carrel and Keira Knightly in it, and was labeled as a comedy. In the movie the end of days draws near as there is a comet was going to crash into the earth. It was really good, as I said it’s listed as a comedy but I would say it is that loosely.

It made me wonder what I would do with myself if the end of the world was coming. Would anything change? If things changed wouldn’t I want to live right now like any moment could be the end of my life? Something to seriously consider that is for sure.

Even knowing I should live everyday like it will be my last really doesn’t change my urgency for getting treatment and living life.  Sure I have an appointment with a new shrink/group of shrinks but I don’t know how that will go. Will they listen to me about wanting the ECT. There are truly no more antidepressants for me to try. I’m afraid they will want to start me on a new pill cycle and frankly nothing good ever comes from it.

I plan on seeing a psychotherapist when I get back to Omaha. I never thought that it would do me any good but just from talking to and reading other bloggers it makes me feel like I can benefit from it. As well as the socialization that I need. I’ve been writing for almost 70 days and feel like I am part of a community and not as alone as I was when I started. It’s remarkable.

I wondered why anyone would want to read my blog and then thought to myself why do I want to read others blogs. Well because we don’t want to feel alone. Even if a there are some of us that choose to be shut off from humanity we still need to feel part of something.

Were I able to stop constantly living in fear of things I might even enjoy life more.  The depression won’t lift on it’s own but maybe I can shine a little light on it when the darkness of it gets suffocating. I just need to remember we only have one life and we should make the most of it. I need to adopt a who cares attitude about the people who walk past me or look at me and don’t know me. If they judge harshly they are the ones that are missing out.

I do know without a doubt that spending my last days with the man I love doesn’t even change in a scenario that only leaves me with days on earth. I think I would only want more time with him. We need to win the lottery!

How would you live if you knew the end of the world was coming?


A Great Talk

Mood: Levelish.. for now I guess..

marina del rey

My mood yesterday was crazy, I started off sad, then slightly manic, then contemplative, then insecure.. One of the good things about it is I went out to the marina *see picture above*  and went out to dinner, both really hard things for me to do so they were big accomplishments. I don’t know what this had to do with the moods. I am trying to go out for at least a walk when I am feeling sad though, apparently exercise helps!

When I was sitting down to dinner with hubby we got to talking about the way I was before I got medicated. Honestly I have been talking his ear of a lot the last few weeks as I am trying to finally reach some kind of acceptance of my diagnosis so that I can just come to terms with it. For some reason those first few years are mostly a fog, but he remembers everything quite clearly, something I think I will probably never forgive myself for. I didn’t know what was wrong with me but having someone who loves you suffer in anyway never feels good.

We went over a lot of my hypersexual behavior, which honestly for him was mostly a win, I was also very involved in the personal problems of other people and while I never hid the fact of it from him, I was also may have been to forthright and he actually got concerned that I had been having an affair. I didn’t even know about this until today. It breaks my heart to have him to have ever of thought that for a second. It’s the one thing I have managed to avoid doing and will continue regardless how bad this gets, I hope.

He is my everything. Some will say this might be a bad thing. I don’t know if it is. He literally saved my life. He came to meet me in Canada for my birthday. I had planned to kill myself after meeting with him. I however had the most profound experience. He was very sick, so all we could do was talk, snuggle, nap and watch cartoons (we both love em). I had already had feelings for him, but in that time I fell in love with him. So I decided to chase him down in Nebraska and we were together ever since.

That’s not to say it has been easy, I tried to kill myself during one of my manic episodes. He hadn’t done something with the laundry and I went bat shit crazy about it then took a whole bottle of sleeping pills. After that I have no memories of it at all, but he does. I hate that. He tells me the stories of it from time to time and laughs because I drove the nurses crazy by being a general pain in the ass. He saves me time and time again.

His smile can just amaze me.

He worries that he doesn’t feel things strongly enough. He is soft spoken and kind and rarely gets angry when others would be well past their breaking point but when he loves me, he loves me more than I have ever seen ever in the entire world.. Well you get my meaning, I’ve never seen the entire world.

I can’t say how lucky I am, I can never express it enough. I just hope that I can be a better person and keep him happy, I would hate to see that smile go away.

Wow Taking Meds Works?

I am starting to feel a little better now. My body isn’t hurting as much as it was before and I can actually stand without falling over. Yay!

I wish I could remember to take my pills, you would think that it is so vital for my existence to take them that I would remember. Pain, nausea, faintness heart palpitation’s for missing a week of Lamictal. Wish they warned you about those side effects.

The my viibryd works better than anything else I have taken and I think I have pretty much taken them all. Kind of like a last chance and I still manage to mess it up.

I am hoping that writing this blog will help both me and others if someone decides to read it.

Unmedicated I was a hot mess. I was violent and impulsive and so much more.. I came so close to losing the man of my dreams by pushing him away.  You definitely do not want to lose someone who always treats you with kindness regardless of how batshit crazy you act. It’s always so hard for us to have relationships. I don’t even have any friends because I don’t have the ability to be a responsive person. I disappear into the cracks for months then show up again.

Ugh I got off on a rant..  That’s me lol