Still Alive That’s Something

I feel better today then I did yesterday. I think maybe some of it is that a weight has been lifted from my shoulders more than anything else. I think as the stressful things start to get dealt with I will at least not have those things constantly stirring in my head.

Last night I read the side effects of Lithium on my medication pamphlet and almost didn’t take it. I mean most of it isn’t scary but there are a few things that definitely frightened me. I started to search the web on peoples reviews and realized I was only reading bad reviews which wasn’t going to put my mind towards taking it that was for sure.

I decided to be positive for a change and looked up positive lithium reviews. For the people it works for they have remarkably happy stories of returning to life as a fairly normal person. This gave me hope. Something I usually don’t partake in. So I took the pill last night and well it didn’t kill me so I think that’s rather splendid!

I am sure none of the side effects are instant but each day I take it I will become more confident in it. Know what I mean?

On a side note. My best friend and I decided that in two years we would apply for the Amazing Race together. We would work on both our mental and physical health and we would do this together.  It always helps to have a partner and having someone who thinks a lot like you can really help. We talk to one another like people are supposed to talk to bipolars, not like they feel like they should.

Five more days until Vegas, I am both excited and scared! Looking forward to it regardless ūüėÄ


Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World

I was watching¬† this movie last night when I couldn’t sleep. It had¬†Steve Carrel and Keira Knightly in it, and was labeled as a comedy.¬†In the movie the¬†end of days draws¬†near as there is¬†a comet was going to crash into the earth. It was really good, as I said it’s listed as a comedy but I would say it is that loosely.

It made me wonder what I would do with myself if the end of the world was coming. Would anything change? If things changed wouldn’t¬†I want to live right now like any moment could be the end of my life? Something to seriously consider that is for sure.

Even knowing I should live everyday like it will be my last really doesn’t change my urgency for getting treatment and living life.¬† Sure I have an appointment with a new shrink/group of shrinks but I don’t know how that will go. Will they listen to me about wanting the ECT. There are truly no more antidepressants for me to try. I’m afraid they will want to start me on a new pill cycle and frankly nothing good ever comes from it.

I plan on seeing a psychotherapist when I get back to Omaha. I never thought that it would do me any good but just from talking to and reading other bloggers it makes me feel like I can benefit from it. As well as the socialization that I need. I’ve been writing for almost 70 days and feel like I am part of a community and not as alone as I was when I started. It’s remarkable.

I wondered why anyone would want to read my blog and then thought to myself why do I want to read others blogs. Well because we don’t want to feel alone. Even if a there are some¬†of us that choose to be shut off from humanity we still need to feel part of something.

Were I able to stop constantly living in fear of things I might even enjoy life more.¬† The depression won’t lift on it’s own but maybe I can shine a little light on it when the darkness of it gets suffocating. I just need to remember we only have one life and we should make the most of it. I need to adopt a who cares attitude about the people who walk past me or look at me and don’t know me. If they judge harshly they are the ones that are missing out.

I do know without a doubt that spending my last days with the man I love doesn’t even change in a scenario that only leaves me with days on earth. I think I would only want more time with him. We need to win the lottery!

How would you live if you knew the end of the world was coming?