Today I went to see my shrink and we talked about the depression and general lack of motivation. I’m going to stay on the pristiq and latuda and am adding wellbutrin into the mix. She is hoping it will just give me a general push upwards.
Next week I get to do the spit test to see what drugs will work best for me. As it is I think the pristiq is making me gain a little weight and usually it has a lack of wanting to eat side effect. I never seem to get the side effects I want lol.
The house is really getting into shape. I can’t wait for it to be completely unpacked. I am tired of looking at boxes. Just need to wait for my shelves and dressers to get here. Then boom I’ll be done. Have to wait for Saturday though. Guess that is not too far off. Feels like it is though.
My mood was kind of meh today but not completely down. I am still having a hard time finding interest in anything to do though and the things I usually enjoy are also just not being enjoyed. Sigh.
I know it will get better, these waves just have to keep being ridden. I wouldn’t mind a nice smooth even keel for a longer amount of time though. I don’t think that is asking to much.
It’s been a very busy day and I almost forgot to take my pills and do my blog for the day. I think I would have been angry at myself had that happened.
Today I was in a good mood. I spent a lot of time out of the house. We had lunch and went shopping for some furniture for the house. I gotta admit I loved the thrill of shopping period, let alone knowing how we were decorating the houes early.
We also took mom in law shopping for a new computer. That will either make things easier cause this one will be able to play games or harder because she will want to spend more time on it. We are only here for less 2 weeks and 5 more days then we will be in our own home and I’ll be able to control everything lol.
Other than those things not much else happened. Tomorrow we may do some more shopping for the house. I hope so, it’s really enjoyable and it makes everything feel much more real.
Today was ok. I played some diablo and watched some TV. Got no painting done and really didn’t accomplish much. I did go see my shrink today and she gave me a medication that should help me focus more on things. I have a habit/problem of not being able to do anything for more than 5-15 mins. I think I might have ADD, she thinks it might be because of anxiety and the general bipolarity.
So the new medicine is what we are going to try and see if it can help with my general malaise. It’s supposed to make me feel more motivated and less irritable. We shall see. Honestly I am willing to try anything as long as my problems get better.
I trust my shrink. That’s more than I can say for most people.
I cancelled all my therapy sessions but made an appt for the hair dresser. I’m getting it all cut off. Probably will lose another 2 pounds there since I’ve let it get so long. I found this super cute cut I want and hopefully it will be flattering to my face. I know it will give me much more ease of wear. Plus I get to go back to vibrant red as opposed to boring dirty blonde.
My mood has been better today it seems like things are taking an upswing and hopefully it keeps that way. My meds should help me through the anxiety of going out and doing things and looking better should help me feel better about going out. Hopefully it will ease all my anxiety I have been having lately. I’ll let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe I will put up a pic of the new hair too!
Went to the dermatologist and paid 50 bucks for less than thirty seconds of his time. Oh you are all good, no bad moles at all. So happy and perky, I wanted to punch him in the face.
I have no idea why I am so angry about it. I should be thrilled. Nothing wrong with me, but I am mad. I think it is because of all the anxiety I have felt about it. The quick you are fine didn’t seem to be enough to have merited all the anxiety I have felt since last week.
I did get a lot of things done after. A nice breakfast with my husband. I needed to get some blood taken for my shrink. She wants to test the common things, thyroid, vitamin d, liver levels and a couple of others I didn’t recognize.
She gave me a new medication benztropine to help with the restlessness that I feel. I can never sit still, so I am to start taking it at bed time. Not sure if I take enough sedative like meds, xanax, clonezapam and now this new one. I should be really relaxed anyhow.
My therapy also went really well though I ended up talking about my husband for most of the hour. I put him on a pedestal. I know it and the therapist says that maybe I need to do just that. I don’t understand why but I think she is right. He’s the one person I idolize in my life and he is a good moral person.
It’s hard for me to love or even like a person. I’m learning though. This blog helps a lot, it gives me interaction with people I normally wouldn’t have encountered in my life. So this blog is good for all sorts of things.
Thank you for the people who comment and support and even those who just read, you make me feel less alone in the world.
Last night I went to bed sad and I woke up sad. I hate that. I went through a gazillion moods as usual. I can’t wait to talk to my shrink about the mood stabilizer. Hopefully using it and the Latuda together will work. I am willing to go through all the old school ones that I’ve tried before. Always gotta keep trying right?
I drove out to the lot again today it makes me feel good looking at my future. It seems to pick up my spirits. Just going outside in itself seems to make my mood better. A while after I step back inside again I start feeling negative emotions and it drives me fucking crazy.
I’ve been painting a lot though, almost have a few more done, I liked to work on several at a time. I have big plans for one of them but it’s a secret until I see if it works out or not 😉
Things will get better, they will get better… Still breathing.
Almost forgot I hit 200 followers today, that is pretty thrilling!!!
Today I am still feeling good about going off the Lithium. I woke up still feeling blechy. I don’t expect a change over night though. I am going cold turkey the worst I read about doing it is the chance of mania. I can deal with it. If there is a problem hubby knows how to deal with me. So far so good though.
That’s not to say I am not afraid of being drug free, of course I am. I would be a fool not to feel like that. I remember what I was like before being medicated and I know there are risks. I am at least going into this with more knowledge about myself and my illnesses though. Reading bipolar’s blogs, magazines, support boards I am way better equipped. I plan on getting back on some kind of regimen once I go home to Omaha until then I am tired of doctors who don’t give a shit just handing me one thing after another. Screw it.
I am doing my own exposure therapy that is getting me out each and every day. Today I went out to the La Brea tar pits and also had lunch it was fun. I had very little anxiety thanks to breathing and clonazepam. Plus it wasn’t that crowded which helped a lot. I went to a new restaurant today so that I could push myself out of my comfort zone. I am going to keep working really hard on this. Eventually I want to be able to go out alone and drive (hubby said I could have any year mustang I want if I get my license) I never thought I would drive, so who knows. Things are changing.
Every day I take a step forward towards healing and being a happier person. I must fight, that’s why I’m alive. I don’t give up even though I sometimes really want to.
My husband being the sweet man that he is gave me a cake for Mother’s Day. I took a picture of it because I was going to show how pretty it was.. Little did I know that I would actually be showing off what a fucking pig I am. I ate all that in a few hours. Then promptly threw it up. Things are getting worse. I am actually almost crying while I am posting this. I am so frustrated. I am out of my Viibryd and the shrink still hasn’t gotten back to me with refills. I want to go off it true, but not cold turkey. I hate how horrible you feel when that happens. I’ve had it done on a few things. Even going slowly off a med doesn’t feel good.
I said to my husband what if I tried to kill myself with something I know wouldn’t kill me so they take me seriously?. He was a little upset to say the least. I’m tired of being depressed. Sometimes I do want to die to make it stop. I wish I didn’t love my husband so much it would be easier to just let go. As long as he is here and loves me though I gotta keep fighting.
Again last night I spent hours upon hours, watching TV and eating a whole fucking box of creamsicles. I need to not buy this shit and have it in the house. I am feeling some horrible self hatred right now.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. It’s not like I am even enjoying the damn things I just seem to need to punish myself for some reason. I wish my husband would tell me no when I ask for junk. I wish he didn’t always want me to be happy. I wish he was more of a hard ass.. But honestly it is all on me.
I am planning on getting LAPBAND surgery when we get back to Omaha, it was something I was going to do here but chickened out on. It’s something I need to do. I think with it and therapy I will get a handle on things.. I think I think.. I wish I knew..
I am so depressed I just want to sleep and I can’t which makes it so much worse. At least when I sleep I dream and I have control.. the one place I have any control and I can’t get to it. ARGHHHHH!
Luckily I am afraid of death or I would be drunk right now and just staying that way until this passes.. I need to let the medication work though.. WORK DAMMIT I have no patience.. breathe…