I’ve been really self involved these last few months. I haven’t posted at all and have been depressed a great deal. My BFF’s Birthday would be in 3 days and I spent hours going over her facebook today. I miss her. I miss my monkey, she was such a wonderful lovable spirited little pain in the ass.
Some things have been going good. I am spending a lot of time with my sister in law. It feel really good to have a sister so close to me. We hang out once a week. Actually I have a dinner with my mom-in-law and sister-in-law. Me and Kate usually end up hanging though. It’s always a lot of fun. Plus there is usually wine! lol.
I kind of feel like I am experiencing normalness and not hating it for a change. I just want some stability.
Tonight we went over to my sister in laws for my nephews birthday. She has a small home with one bathroom and I was having some huge anxiety about going there. I even had dreams of going there while I napped before that were very stressful.
Yet I am proud to say not only did I go, I had fun, I ate some food and I had a pretty good time. For once I was able to over power my brain. Even the children didn’t bother me as much as they usually do.
This seems like my mood might finally be in an upswing. I’m afraid of course. Usually an upswing is followed by days of depression. I honestly will be happy if I can make it through the holidays without crashing. Especially since hubbby has 11 days off in a row. I don’t get that very often.
Ali I am sitting here at the hospital waiting for my appt and it’s already gone an hour over. They are really behind. I am lucky my husband is here to keep me distracted or else I would be going postal.
I feel bad when I laugh at something he says or does or even smiles, everyone looks so miserable here. I know right this moment is not bad for me but most of the time it is. They don’t know that though.
I dunno how long I’ll be waiting but t least I came. I’ll try to let you know how it goes.
Today was a restful day. After crying for many hours last night I seemed to have gotten some of the emotional build up out. I also had some nightmares. I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend with my husband but first it will be a hectic week.
Tomorrow I am just cleaning the house but will also be calling and arranging my ECT appointment. I imagine this one will be a meet and greet and physical type one.
Tuesday I go for my breast exam and mammogram which I hope turns out to be nothing.
Wednesday there will be some furniture guys delivering a new dresser, no one will be here but me and I’m not really that comfortable with it but it is necessary.
Thursday I go to see my therapist and by that point I will most certainly need it. Plus I imagine mom and I will do lunch and some shopping!
Friday we finish the final bits of our contract and pay the rest of the money for the house to be started. Plus we head out of the hotel afterwards it will be nice!
I am looking forward to doing nothing but honestly I likely will go out and explore.
I just wish keeping busy kept my brain quiet, then it would be perfect.
My brain is broken,
I’m not sure that I’ll be fine,
However it’s true. I am really stressed out right now. It’s making it hard to function. I am dreading doing what I was loving doing. I hate that.
My body absolutely responds to stress. I realize that we should have a fight or flight response to anxiety, but do you think spending hours in the commode is one of these? I think not. Unless you are a monkey, then you might be able to fling. Anyhow, enough about that, that could get seriously gross seriously fast. I think I am going to end up with an ulcer though.
I’m worried about the drive in 19 days, I am worried about getting everything packed, though I am packing every day. I am super stressed about hubby going on his trip next week. Ugh. It’s making me feel horrible. Yesterday we drove to Malibu so I could take some pictures and we spent 10 minutes at the beach, it took us about an hour to drive there. So more than two hours on the road because of a miss turn and all I did was spend ten minutes on the beach because things started gurgling and I had to head home. I wanted to sit out there and get some sun and I couldn’t.
I don’t know what to do about it. It’s slowing my roll. Just this past weekend I was out and exploring in Redondo beach and today I am doing calculations about how far I should go in case the need to retreat comes up. This is one of the reasons that my agoraphobia started in the first place and I really don’t want to step backwards. I suppose you need to push past the tough stuff. I would be open to any suggestions at this point. I don’t see a psychotherapist until July 1st so I am kind of on my own.
Also since I am painfully shy, I was thinking of doing a vlog once a week? Do you think this is a good start for practicing interacting? Please take a moment and vote on the poll. If people won’t watch I find it to be pretty pointless. I would even like to make it a few minute question/answer thing so it would be even more interactive. Anyhow, thanks!
Yesterday I walked around the block by myself and felt pretty good about it. Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal to most but I wasn’t even going out 2 months ago, let alone, alone. I decided to do it again today. I was fine walking around the block, talking in my head to myself about how it wasn’t a big deal. I had to pee the whole time so that kind of kept me focused enough to go around the whole block.
When I got into the apartment though my hands started shaking, my breathe became quick and I felt like fainting. I’ve never fainted, ever.. I often wonder when I start hyperventilating if this is going to be the time that I do. I guess not this time.
When I have a panic attack which this clearing is the walls start closing in, giving me that disassociation I often have. It makes me feel like I am looking at the world through one of those boxes you make to watch eclipses, if that makes any sense.
I thought I would run and grab a clonazepam and wait for it to work, but I am going to breathe through it, write through it, deal with it.
My depression might be starting to take a hold but I am not going to let the anxiety ruin an accomplishment for me. So I am going to breathe, slow.. breathe, calm..
So far the not taking anything is going ok. I am not having any weird withdrawal from the Lithium. I am still getting weepy once in a while but that started before I stopped taking it and may be more linked to my depression. Maybe I’m just feeling things, who knows.
I went out for a walk around the block by myself it’s about a mile and it seemed longer while I was walking it. I had on my iPhone listening to applause by Lady GaGa. It made me walk like a runway model. On the outside I would appear perfectly normal to people. On the inside well I am always fighting with myself as long I don’t start arguing with myself I am good lol.
It’s a beautiful day, I plan to go to the beach later, hopefully at sunset to get some nice pictures. I am really proud of myself for going out. It’s hard every time I take a step out of that door but I know it will get easier in time with practice.
The positive thing about being off of drugs is that I can have GRAPEFRUIT!!!I have missed it so much. It interacts with everything so to be able to sit down with a half a grapefruit and a spoon will be positively delightful. I am picking some up tonight!
Friday hubby found out he is going to have to go out of town on the 11th-13th. I’m not happy about it. I’m stressed out about it. What if something happens to me emotionally. What if I have a breakdown? What if, what if?
I’ll deal with it though. I will post on my blog and remember that I am not truly alone. What a bad time to run out of weed.. but what are you going to do right?
I’ve never allowed myself to feel empowered. I’ve always sat by fearful of letting my thoughts or feelings known in case I was judged as crazy.
I’m taking control of my mental health and what goes into my body, I will feel empowered. I may not be able to be drug free in fact to be honest I am 80% sure I will need to go back to medications. That’s alright. For now I am going to let my body cleanse itself of the poisons that have been forced into it by each uncaring doctor that treated me like I am nothing but a number.
I am a number, number one. I’m not a faceless patient who can spoken to about generalized mental health care while not receiving the help that I really need. I will no longer sit there afraid about changes that are going on with my physically and mentally while doctors only have fifteen minutes once a month to fit me in. Screw that.
I’m taking my mental health care into my own hands. I am going to do what I think is right. It is my body and mind. I will find someone who will listen to me and work with me instead of trying to talk me into doing things I am uncomfortable with.
That’s not to say I won’t have break downs, but they will be mine. Not caused because I did something I didn’t feel comfortable doing. I will survive and fight all my issues one day at a time.
Today I am still feeling good about going off the Lithium. I woke up still feeling blechy. I don’t expect a change over night though. I am going cold turkey the worst I read about doing it is the chance of mania. I can deal with it. If there is a problem hubby knows how to deal with me. So far so good though.
That’s not to say I am not afraid of being drug free, of course I am. I would be a fool not to feel like that. I remember what I was like before being medicated and I know there are risks. I am at least going into this with more knowledge about myself and my illnesses though. Reading bipolar’s blogs, magazines, support boards I am way better equipped. I plan on getting back on some kind of regimen once I go home to Omaha until then I am tired of doctors who don’t give a shit just handing me one thing after another. Screw it.
I am doing my own exposure therapy that is getting me out each and every day. Today I went out to the La Brea tar pits and also had lunch it was fun. I had very little anxiety thanks to breathing and clonazepam. Plus it wasn’t that crowded which helped a lot. I went to a new restaurant today so that I could push myself out of my comfort zone. I am going to keep working really hard on this. Eventually I want to be able to go out alone and drive (hubby said I could have any year mustang I want if I get my license) I never thought I would drive, so who knows. Things are changing.
Every day I take a step forward towards healing and being a happier person. I must fight, that’s why I’m alive. I don’t give up even though I sometimes really want to.