Social Anxiety

La De Da

Today I am still feeling good about going off the Lithium.  I woke up still feeling blechy. I don’t expect a change over night though. I am going cold turkey the worst I read about doing it is the chance of mania. I can deal with it. If there is a problem hubby knows how to deal with me.  So far so good though.

That’s not to say I am not afraid of being drug free, of course I am. I would be a fool not to feel like that. I remember what I was like before being medicated and I know there are risks. I am at least going into this with more knowledge about myself and my illnesses though.  Reading bipolar’s blogs, magazines, support boards I am way better equipped. I plan on getting back on some kind of regimen once I go home to Omaha until then I am tired of doctors who don’t give a shit just handing me one thing after another. Screw it.

I am doing my own exposure therapy that is getting me out each and every day. Today I went out to the La Brea tar pits and also had lunch it was fun. I had very little anxiety thanks to breathing and clonazepam.  Plus it wasn’t that crowded which helped a lot. I went to a new restaurant today so that I could push myself out of my comfort zone. I am going to keep working really hard on this. Eventually I want to be able to go out alone and drive (hubby said I could have any year mustang I want if I get my license) I never thought I would drive, so who knows. Things are changing.

Every day I take a step forward towards healing and being a happier person.  I must fight, that’s why I’m alive. I don’t give up even though I sometimes really want to.

Go Me!!


WTF Dude

Today I was feeling itchy and coughing like usual when I thought hey maybe this might be something the shrink should know. It might be because of the lithium right? Then I was writing a list so I wouldn’t forget anything kind of going over my body point by point and found this tender lump on my throat near my collar bone. That kind of freaked me out so I called the shrink right away, no answer. Paged him and he called me back but kind of politely gave me shit for using the paging for a non-emergency. Told me he would call me back later.

So I waited until 7:30pm and decided to go out to the pier and take my daily pictures. It was freaking cold, the waves were high and we ended up having to buy hoodies because I was wearing a tank and he was wearing a T-shirt. I don’t mind I can never have enough hoodies. We hung around for about an hour it was really nice. I am going to miss the ocean. I won’t miss the people here but that ocean I love to sit near it and think.

Anyhow I got home about 30 minutes ago and lo and behold the doctor calls. I shouldn’t be alarmed by the tummy issues and the itching, he is testing my blood on Thursday or Friday. I need to go see a doctor about the lump though, his best guess is it’s a swollen lymph-node but since he is not that kind of doctor and is talking by phone he didn’t really want to guess.

I don’t think Doctors realize how hard it is for an anxious person to go and get their blood taken when things in the tummy aren’t sitting right. I guess I’ll wait and I now have to go back to the walk-in to see someone. I really miss Omaha right now, where the doctors actually give a crap, you know?

Even paying 350.00 cash can’t make a doctor pretend to care here and this new one under insurance.. well I’d replace him if I wasn’t leaving in 35 days..

Long Ass Day

I have no idea what time I woke up but I slept for a few hours. I decided that I was going to go the doctors even if it made me super anxious. I had questions and insecurities to deal with.

I forgot to eat before we left so my stomach was understandably churning and I kept telling myself that was why I was nauseated. One of the things about my social anxiety is fears of throwing up in front of people. You can say the doctor is the best place to throw up but for me that just doesn’t click. Anyhow I was only in the waiting room for about 5 minutes before I was taken to room. I was honestly surprised since I was a walk-in.

The nurse was not really that friendly though he was a bit of eye-candy.  Would have been cuter if he was friendly. He did the whole blood pressure and temp thing which I was pleased was fairly normal.  Then I waited for close to an hour for a doctor to come and see me.

I have hay fever. It’s making my eyes, ears, nose, throat and a couple other places messed up. So I guess I’ll be adding some over the counters to my daily regimen.

Anyhow that was pretty boring right..

*if you are under 18 don’t read below*

I have this thing that happens every so often and it is honestly really remarkable but I wanted to make sure that it didn’t mean something was wrong with me. This morning I woke up to an intense orgasm. *look ma no hands*. My body just did it to itself. I knew it happened to men but apparently it can happen to women too. This is the 4th time this has happened. I’m sharing because well do I not share what’s going on with my day. Also it started my day off in a good mood for a change. Not sure if it will last but I can say what a nice way for it to start LOL.

I was up until at least 6:00am hubby stayed up with me while we started watching Arrow.. Good show so far. He got pissed at me though cause every five minutes I would ask him to scratch my back. I’m itchy. Not so bad right now but I am trying to learn to moisturize and maybe wear sun screen since I already have a horrible scar on my back from skin cancer..   I’ll show it sometime.. anyhow.. ya that was my long ass day.


I So Did Not Want To Post

I’m tired and still feeling crummy. I went to the walk-in clinic to see if they could help and they were closed. Will go tomorrow before their end of day closing.  I’ve been avoiding going because I am afraid they are going to tell me something is wrong or tell me nothing is wrong. This cough though is getting super annoying. I thought my chest might be okay since I can sing a long note but I can’t keep putting things off. Admittedly I would just love to shove everything in a box and deal with it when we get back to Omaha but I don’t know that this will weight. That has nothing to do with posting though. I’m positing because I am starting to feel an affection to the people who read and comment on my blogs.

I always feel that people honestly care when they are leaving comments for me and I will the warmth of a hug when one is passed my way. I feel that I am very lucky. I had planned to write this blog as a way to vent and keep track of my moods and instead feel like I am becoming a part of a community. A community that doesn’t there there my hurts when I express them. This was not anything that I ever thought I would even want let alone need. I think I do though.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wish I could single out people and say the wonderful things they have said, but I have a fear of leaving someone behind and that never feels good.


Packin and Sweatin

I am starting to pack things, we may be leaving a week earlier than we planned and one thing I totally hate it leaving things until the last moment. Plus honestly if I could just leave now I would. I hate this place as you well know. 🙂

I called some guys too haul our old furniture away we aren’t taking but I didn’t really didn’t think it through. I know it is good to put myself through stressful things, but I need to leave my apartment and go downstairs and let them in then ride back up in the elevator with them. Ugh.. I don’t like the elevator on the best of days and I am so anxious interacting with strangers. I know it needs to be done so I’ll suck it up.

Talking about it seems to be making the anxiety back off a little though. I must remember I am strong, I am a wonderful kind person, I can handle anything. (I’m trying something new, saying nice things about myself)

I’m not as depressed today. Me and my BFF talked a long time on Aim yesterday and made each other laugh and of course we challenged each other. We are going to be posting a picture a day as we walk. It’s going to be good to be pushed outside when I am not having a comfortable day and it will keep me exercising. The lithium is making me gain weight. I never thought I would break the point I am at.

Also since writing it makes it more likely to happen I am going to be doing aerobics and weight training every day. One or the other, not mixing. I want to be healthier. Even if I don’t lose weight before the surgery I will have gained muscle toned which should hopefully help me bounce back quicker.

If you are interested in my pictures you can check them out here as we start tonight.  I will hopefully have a link to her pictures when she has posted.

Blood Test

I went and got my blood test done today. It hard, I had almost talked myself out of going. I almost talked myself out of taking the lithium all together. I did it though. I walked into the lab by myself and waited to get it done, I was talkative with the tech student who took my blood. This was hard for me but I did it. My mental illness can only do so much to me I need to fight back. There are more important things to do then let it control me.

Today I am sad. I am not depressed. I am sad. Yesterday I found out that my best friends tumor is growing again. I love her so much. I don’t want her to suffer in any way. I want her to be happy and healthy. I know we don’t always get what we want but if I could rub something and get one wish, it would be for her to be cancer free.

It kept me up all night thinking. Life is short.. Too short.. We never know what is going to happen. We need to make the most of it. I need to stop being afraid of everything.

I  get to meet her face to face in June and there is not a word to describe the happiness that I feel about it. I am also painting her a painting to bring. I hope I get it done in time and that she likes it.

Dani is my best friend, she is my sister, she is my family, she is my support system, she always makes me smile even when I am down.  I will be with her forever. I will support and love her, listen and joke. I will leave her be when she needs it and I will be here when she is ready to talk. I can’t wait until I can hug her.  I love her unconditionally.

Water From The Heavens

This morning I woke up and started to go into my bathroom. I was groggy and kind of stumbling 4 hours of sleep will do that to you.

I walk in the door and feel little droplets of water hit my face. Looking up I see that water is literally pouring from the fan. The floor is soaked, the counter is soaked. luckily we left our towels on the floor or it would have came out in the hall. 1 point for slobbery.

I panicked. I hate people in the apartment when my husband isn’t home. I start putting clothes on, trying to figure out what I am most comfortable in and then I call downstairs. The woman answering the phone sounded shocked and stunned. Seriously bitch please.. She calls maintenance and sends them down. I’m like great I finally did something on my own all adult like.

They knock at the door and swallowing I huge lump in my throat I answer and lead them to the washroom explaining what had happened. They explain to me that there is a leak on the top floor they are trying to find but they will gladly clean the bathroom. That is four floors of leaking down to our apartment.  That’s when I notice the dude had nothing but Windex and paper towels..  I hate this place.. This just makes it even more obvious.

I called my husband to make sure I was awake, cause sometimes my dreams are way to realistic and he said this to me after I told him about it. “The windows are fine, it’s the lake in the bathroom that’s the problem”.

Wish I had thought of it too damn sleepy though.

It did make me conquer something though and when I am depressed any accomplishment puts a bit of pep in my step.