I have been beating myself up for quite some time. The depression grabs hold of me and my house and hygiene go to shit.
I stop caring about anything but caring about everything. That probably doesn’t make any sense. I care what other people think. I judge myself as I think others would judge me and I never give myself a break. I’m constantly hammering shit into my own head about how horrific everything is.
Honestly, yes my house is a little untidy, is it dirty? no. I showered a few days ago which is good.
I just need to forgive myself for the depression controlled events and maybe it will help me get through them just a little bit easier.
Do you ever have anything similar happen? Remember to be easy on yourself. It’s super hard but we have to try right?
Lately I have been depressed as you know because my friend is dying. It’s taken most my energy to just get out of bed most days. It’s getting a little better as I am trying to accept it. I can’t imagine what it will be like when she actually passes.
Yesterday I was reminded just how much a miracle life is. Really it was something so simple and you may even think it is dumb but it touched my heart. A little baby robin was sitting in this little pile of dirt just outside of our backdoor. We watched it as it kept flexing it’s wings and along came mama with a worm and fed her baby. I’d never seen this in real life. It just gave me an aww moment.
I should be reflecting on how for the most part my life is really good.
Losing your best and only friend should never have to happen though and I’m having a hard time with it. However I’m glad that I can still feel joy over the little things. It means there is hope.
In my mind I have been afraid to hope. I’ve been terrified of everything. Death was always lurking behind the door and it was frightening to live.
I’m actually starting to feel hopeful about my life. My husband and I are having our 13 year anniversary. Instead of worry about something going wrong to make it not happen. I am looking forward to it.
Christmas has always been such a hard time for me but I am feeling whimsical and hopeful about enjoying all the glitter and shine. The closeness of family and just being with my husband and enjoying our life together.
Last night we almost got hit by a truck turning in front of us and instead of it freaking me out and dwelling on it, I just moved forward and realize there are a ton of bad drivers here and my husband is a good driver. It makes me feel warm and safe.
So I guess for the first time I am able to feel hopeful and happy without worrying about every single thing that happens.
I am starting to pack things, we may be leaving a week earlier than we planned and one thing I totally hate it leaving things until the last moment. Plus honestly if I could just leave now I would. I hate this place as you well know. 🙂
I called some guys too haul our old furniture away we aren’t taking but I didn’t really didn’t think it through. I know it is good to put myself through stressful things, but I need to leave my apartment and go downstairs and let them in then ride back up in the elevator with them. Ugh.. I don’t like the elevator on the best of days and I am so anxious interacting with strangers. I know it needs to be done so I’ll suck it up.
Talking about it seems to be making the anxiety back off a little though. I must remember I am strong, I am a wonderful kind person, I can handle anything. (I’m trying something new, saying nice things about myself)
I’m not as depressed today. Me and my BFF talked a long time on Aim yesterday and made each other laugh and of course we challenged each other. We are going to be posting a picture a day as we walk. It’s going to be good to be pushed outside when I am not having a comfortable day and it will keep me exercising. The lithium is making me gain weight. I never thought I would break the point I am at.
Also since writing it makes it more likely to happen I am going to be doing aerobics and weight training every day. One or the other, not mixing. I want to be healthier. Even if I don’t lose weight before the surgery I will have gained muscle toned which should hopefully help me bounce back quicker.
If you are interested in my pictures you can check them out here as we start tonight. I will hopefully have a link to her pictures when she has posted.