It’s Been A Couple Days

I hav e been spending time with my mom because she went home today. We spent a lot of time talking and stoned! There was some hilarity and giggles, honestly most of the visit was awesome.

Today is also my 15th wedding anniversary. Woot! It’s been a wonderful day and my husband bought me a beautiful ring.

My mood is definitely better. I think the meds are helping but once again don’t want to get too hopeful. Hope is the doom for me a  lot of the time.

I really appreciate you taking time out of your day to read what is going on with me and sharing how you feel in the comments!

Hugs to all.


Another Bad Day

Today is the year anniversary of my best friends death. She was the most amazing person. She always made me want to be another person. I miss her so much. So fucking much. I wish she was here to kick my ass. I only had one friend and now she is gone.

I woke up sad. The last couple of days I have been dragging my ass out of bed when I wake up after staying there for way longer than I should. I looked around my house and didn’t want to do a thing. I curled up on the couch and read Facebook.

I miss my weed right now. It makes me numb, instead I’ve been crying. I mean I have reasons and then the additional depression but I don’t want to feel sad feelings.

How can I be happy? It’s a valid question I have no answer to!

Last Week Was Hard

As you know I had my father in law in town. He stayed with us for nine damn days! My husband had to work so I was stuck with him for each and every one of them, except weekends. It was difficult because it made my home feel weird. Plus hubby and me got little to no time alone.

This past weekend we had even more family time with a nephews birthday and Easter. It was all so over stimulating, I just want to curl up in bed today. I haven’t though, I still got up and did some housework and ate.

My mood managed to stay ok during it all, but today it is gloomy both outside and inside. I’m feeling kind of depressed and I wonder if my good cycle is coming to an end. Which would be super unfair to have it only last while I couldn’t be alone with hubby.

Fucking bipolar..

A Full Year

Well today I have officially been writing my blog every day for a year!! WOOT!!

I didn’t think I could ever do anything for this long and I plan to keep doing a daily post. I just won’t feel guilty if I miss a day or two when  I move into our home.

My mood today is kind of meh. I seem to be stuck here. I didn’t really accomplish anything yesterday and today I am aching all over. I have a feeling I am getting a cold again!

I get to visit with my BFF when I go to Dallas, it will be the first time we meet face to face. I’m excited and nervous about it.  We’ve known eachother about 12 years now so I don’t know why I am afraid of.

I’ll be spending most of my time alone in a hotel room but at least I get to sleep with hubby instead of being by myself for 4 nights. Plus I love a road trip, over 9 hours driving to get there and another 9ish hours back. Bonus.

A Good Anniversary

While most people would go out to dinner or dancing and do something fancy, hubby and I decided that our time would be best spent curled up snuggled in bed.

We’ve played on our ipads, watched frivilous tv shows and talked about almost nothing. It’s been a nice break.

We had room service and walked around in our jammies all day. It was incredibly relaxing.

Would I have liked something more to happen? Well maybe. I dont feel good though and am so grateful that this is exactly what he wanted to do, what I wanted to happen doesn’t matter.

One anniversary we will have romance and presents and dancing and love making. Not this one though, we will have relaxing and sleeping and watching of the tv’s and snuggles and pure love.

I always take what I can get and I don’t mind giving it back. 😀

In Our Hotel Room

We’ve been in the hotel room for a few hours after a lunch of indian food, which I normally love but has allowed me to spend more time in the washroom of our hotel room then in the actual room!

You’d think it would be romantic but instead I am feeling troubled and just putting on a happy face so that hubby doesnt think that I am not enjoying our time together. Part of it is my sore throat, makes it hard to talk for any amount of time. The other part is well honestly I have no flipping clue and hope to figure it out fast as we only have 2 nights together and I do so love spending time with hubby.

We are supposed to go to dinner tomorrow night at the place we first had our wedding dinner, I am hoping I dont chicken out about it. I’ve been known to do that from time to time.

I just hope that we can find something to do together.  We enjoy every single day together why should celebrating be so damn hard. Honestly sometimes I hate my brain.

Hope Is Possible

In my mind I have been afraid to hope. I’ve been terrified of everything. Death was always lurking behind the door and it was frightening to live.

I’m actually starting to feel hopeful about my life. My husband and I are having our 13 year anniversary. Instead of worry about something going wrong to make it not happen. I am looking forward to it.

Christmas has always been such a hard time for me but I am feeling whimsical and hopeful about enjoying all the glitter and shine. The closeness of family and just being with my husband and enjoying our life together.

Last night we almost got hit by a truck turning in front of us and instead of it freaking me out and dwelling on it, I just moved forward and realize there are a ton of bad drivers here and my husband is a good driver. It makes me feel warm and safe.

So I guess for the first time I am able to feel hopeful and happy without worrying about every single thing that happens.


Better Mood, Worse Cold

This morning I woke up and something was different. I was in a better mood. I wanted to go and look at our lot. Last night I was pissy and didn’t want to go and when I got there and there was no change I was furious. Tonight they had done a little work and I didn’t immediately have a panic attack about not getting into our house in Feb.

I know that it is chemical. I know that it is also stress that is forcing me to be so moody. I have a lot to be stressed out about. I am stressed about the mom in law moving in with us after we get our home. I know I am going to be very protective of my home. I am also looking forward time alone with my husband.

I can’t wait until the 16th, it’s our 13th wedding anniversary. We are going out to dinner and then going to a hotel for the night. Alone time in a clean place. It will be awesome.

I’m tired of being where I am. I wrote down 1-20 on a white board so I can erase the weeks as we go along to count the time to get into our home. The day we close, we are going to be sleeping on the floor. I want out that badly.

As you can see it is bothering me a lot lately and there is nothing I can do about it at all. ugh.