The Depression Has Been Shitty Lately

I’m finding it hard to get motivated to get out of bed let alone blog.  I did have a couple of good days but I took advantage of them and hung with hubby. I find when I am actively spending time with him as opposed to just sitting side by side at our computers I feel better about the outlook on life.

Our Birthdays are both coming up and I really didn’t want to do anything for mine at least but now we are having to do a family gathering. sigh… I hate being reminded that I’m getting older… 48 this year, another 2 and I can have aarp lol.

Anyhow I wanted to apologize to people who actually read this blog.. Sorry I just suck balls lately.


3 Years

So apparently I’ve had this blog for 3 years. I really need to start writing more again.

I have been pretty self involved lately and have been doing things I want to. The amazing thing is I want to do things. I mean the want to do anything is amazing.

I haven’t done anything exciting and I’m almost ready to start doing some painting, just waiting for an easel that I purchased. I’m going to be trying painting with Bob Ross so for Christmas hubby let me get a bunch of new brushes and paints, I’m very excited but also very nervous about it, not sure why I am nervous but I just am.

I went a couple of weeks I think without weed, it was interesting. I find I can do fine either way.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with hubby too. Woot, love spending time with that man.


My husband reminded me that I had to do my blog. He shut off my alarm, I was apparently too engrossed in my samples to even hear it. It’s annoying and I don’t blame him and besides that I’m here right? lol.

My mood has been kind of mehish with a little happy thrown in here and there.

In a couple days I will be out of weed and I’ll not get any for a while to see if it makes any difference as well. I think it will be interesting to know since scientists aren’t allowed to do experiments with it right?


The pot definitely stops me from writing the way I should. I didn’t even post yesterday and it didn’t even bother me until right now.

My husband is sick. I hope he doesn’t give it to me.

See I got nothing to write.



I Feel Like Pooh

Today I sat like a fucking mess and cried a good deal of my day away. It’s not that there was exactly a lot to cry over, it’s just my heart feels so torn apart for no goddamn reason. My brain feels like it is betraying me and I’m tired.

I hate this damn depression, it sucks the life out of me. I’m so drained but I don’t want to sleep because then I can’t sleep at night. I don’t want to be alone anymore than I need to because frankly I’m lonely as hell. So fucking lonely. No one but hubby to talk to and I have to wait until he gets home each day. Even with my sleep as late as I can thingy that I do, 5 hours alone is my max. Sometimes I feel alone when hubby is home because I have to let him do stuff to make him happy, he can’t just be thinking about my needs all the time.

Hubby did something sweet today, he brought me flowers and a stuffed turtle. The stuffed turtle was the amazing part. I collect all things turtle and trying to find turtle things especially in the middle of the country.

Because I Don’t Wanna

Not feeling the whole blog writing thing today. I’m not sure why I am really starting to worry now.

Though last night I had a guest and we smoked some weed and drank some beers. It was nice to have a conversation with someone other than hubby. Don’t get me wrong, I never get tired of listening to my husband, his voice is just so soothing and lifting.  It’s just nice to have a excited person to listen to.

Tonight I’m stoned again, tomorrow I will go back to not having any and I am okay with that. It’s not making me as motivated as I would like to be about going out. So maybe I’ll make it a super occasional thing instead of getting more myself, but we’ll see how I feel about it when I’m not stoned.


I Did More Stuff

Today I went out of the house to catch pokemon and get some keys made at a store. I apparently really needed to get out of the house because when hubby suggested it I jumped on that train. hehe.

Going into the store to get keys made was actually my idea and I took a picture of us outside for my Facebook.

I’m also showing an interest in all the things I have been DVRing for months.

I’m still not physically feeling great but I got to ignore it which was nice for a while.

Maybe I am coming out of my depression, maybe hubby was right. I so hope not, I hate telling him he’s right. I like being right lol.

Still Blah

It takes me forever to get out of bed once I wake up. It’s so warm and comforting. When I finally did wake up I asked hubby if he wanted to go for a walk. Then away we went for a walk around the neighborhood. I at least accomplished something today if nothing else happens I gotta keep this in perspective.

I’m considering giving up the weed again. It’s tough because it gets me through a lot of stress but it really is messing with my antidepressants and honestly which is more important at the moment.  I’m tired of being sad, I should be filled with joy about my grandchild.

Well off to find something to do hopefully.


I’m trying to lose weight. I’m trying really hard not to eat sweets but damn I want some cake. Been craving it all day. Lucky for me there is nothing within walking distance, I might have walked for it lol.

Today has been pretty uneventful.

Yesterday my sister in law invited me to a little gathering she is having Sunday, I’m actually thinking about going as it will be good practice for the fourth.

Hubby doesn’t want me drinking anymore so it might be hard though.


I woke up in a bad mood today. I literally barked at my dog when she wouldn’t stop barking and scared her. I was so pissed though. Construction going on since first thing in the morning, making the dogs bark, keeping me awake.  There’s a reason I sleep until 11 or 12, it’s so I don’t have to fill 8 hours of being alone.

So ya I’m bitchy!

My alarm went off to write the blog in the middle of hubby and me watching some TV we have DVR’d. After the episode is over hubby shuts off the TV and I’m like what the fuck dude. He’s like go write your blog then we can watch some more. So here I am writing my blog. Even though I yelled and stamped my feet like a child walking up the stairs to my computer, I’m here.  Well I was here.. Now I’m gone, til tomorrow anyhow.