hubby

In The 90’s

It so hot here right now it is in the 90’s going to hit over 100 with the humidex. ugh That means if I wanted to go out not gonna happen. I only like to go to outdoor things, I hate indoors I always feel so trapped.

Hubby is home which is good at least it gives me someone to talk to when I am wandering around trying to find something to do because I ran out of weed again.. sigh. Gonna be a long week.

I can feel that I am restless and today is going to be challenging for me to find things to do. I need to start showing an interest in more of the house work, that could kill 30 mins or so.

Just doesn’t feel like a hope filled day, hopefully that will change.

Hubbies Home

I’m finally back to normal with hubby at home. Now I just have to take advantage of it so I’m not gonna spend a lot of time typing.

 

First Day Without Hubby

So far it hasn’t been so bad, tonight when I go to bed alone will really give me the feeling of aloneness.

My MIL came and brought dinner and is staying the night, she is so awesome to be spending the nights with me hubby is gone. It’s scary here alone.

I’ve kept myself in a general state of numbness all day and plan to mix and repeat again tomorrow. I’ll get through this one day at a time.

I’m an adult and can handle this. Wish I felt more like an adult.

Missed My Tuesday Post

I guess this will take a while for me to make it a habit. My alarm didn’t go off cause somebody shut the sound off on my iPad. That somebody would be me. 😦

Today has been uneventful so far, other than the ass kicking I gave myself for missing my blog. Shit happens, need to not dwell on it.

Today I bought some bracelets that support Saving Sea Turtles. I love turtles, I collect them actually. They remind me of myself. Sometimes I hide away in my armor too. Plus they are super cute.

Don’t think that we are doing Family Dinner tonight. I suppose that’s okay. Though I need to talk to MiL as I want her to sleep over for a few nights in June. Hubby has to travel and I hate to be alone. Daytime is bad enough honestly. Multiple days is really difficult. Nothing I can do though.

Ya that kind of wraps things up.

Aloneness *ya I know it’s not a word*

Today I feel like basically just chillin’ not having to entertain any one or any dog. Just kind of want to sit in my own head and listen to dance music. You know kind of be one with my aloneness.

Normally I crave so much attention and honestly rarely ask for the amounts I truly want.  I’m sure hubby wouldn’t mind but he needs his own space as well. He likes to play games that basically take a lot of focus. Something I don’t have, ha!

So we’ll do our own thing and hug once in a while in the middle and it’s really nice.

Another Good Day

it’s nice to have more than one day in a row where my feelings are up.

I spent another nice day with hubby watching anime, playing diablo on the PS4 and watching the walking dead.

Watching anime with hubby right now and it makes me feel very warm and happy. I’d forgotten how much I really enjoy it.

I don’t know it is the pristiq or if my mood has just shifted. Only time will really tell.

I’ll post a picture of my ring after I get it sized.

1 week 5 days until we move into our home. eeeeeee so exciting.

So Much Time Alone

Being alone really doesn’t give me a true gauge of my feelings. Being alone makes me feel sad. Being alone doesn’t allow me to talk to anyone.

I’m on day two of the pristiq I am still depressed as far as I can tell. I don’t expect anything to happen yet. I don’t think it is making things worse.

My psychiatrist says I am very sensitive to medications so usually if something bad is going to happen then it will happen rather quickly. The good also usually happens sooner rather then later as well. This is both a pain and a good thing I suppose.

Tonight I am alone longer then usual as hubby had to go to a work dinner. It seems we are spending less and less time together these days. It makes me sad and it makes me worry. He isn’t treating me any differently but I can’t help that my mind always looks for the worse in everything. I’m very black and white..

hopefully it is just the depression and it will pass. Fingers crossed for the pristiq.

 

Woke Up Sad.

I hate depression. It makes my body ache, my heart ache and my brain ache. I have absolutely no motivation.

I want an ice cream sandwich and hubby said he would get me one after he made his lunch. He suggested that I get it myself as it might make me feel better about eating it. I just whined that I didn’t want to move like a fricken spoiled child. Yet that is the way I feel.

I don’t want to do anything. Not for myself or anyone else. I just want to sulk on the couch. I guess that is better than going back to bed though. I’ve been fighting that for a few hours as well.

We took our dogs out to the house so they could run around, I felt a little joy at their happiness of being able to run around but it didn’t hold on long enough.

i know I eat my emotions, that’s why I’m fat.. Ah screw it, I’m just gonna try and eat until I feel better. Is this an eating disorder? Over eating?

Made It Through Night 2

I don’t know that this would have been as easy as it has been if we were in our house and I was alone. This has been pretty good though. I haven’t had a ton of anger or sadness about hubby being away and I’ve been able to sleep. All things that have been hard on me in the past. I don’t know maybe it is the meds working too. I seem to be on a more even keel.

I see my therapist tomorrow about a mood stabilizer which should also help with the mood stability.

I am thrilled hubby is coming home tonight. It won’t be until late but at least he will be curled up beside me when I am in bed.

I’ve been talking to my BFF about ADHD and wanting to work in the future. I really can only work from home currently but anything to help bring in the money again will be good. I hope I can avoid the phone sex but I think that I would do about anything if I could focus on it for more than 5-15 mins. I’ll talk to my therapist about it all though.

Really looking forward to tomorrow and maybe getting something else straightened out with my bipolarity.

Made IT Through Night One

I didn’t think I would be able to sleep last night without my big teddy bear but I managed to fall asleep after 2 hours or so. Luckily they have Cosmos on Netflix and I find it to be very relaxing to listen to or watch as I am trying to sleep.

Ms Ren my little yorkie cuddled up on the bed with me and when I woke up she had managed to take over 3/4 of the bed so it was just like having hubby there. lol.

Today I am really feeling the fact that he is in another town though. I get hugged multiple times a day, followed by snuggles in the evening. It makes me feel weird to not be touched. I don’t like it when anyone but him steps into my bubble, but my bubble feels so empty.

My mood is ok, like I’ve said I’ll take ok over being depressed.

I’m trying to look forward to things like getting on a mood stabilizer and also the big thing of the house.

Not sure if I told you about it yesterday but I found out it is going to be another week before we hear about our closing date, color me disappointed.  Still normally all this stuff would knock me on my ass and leave me stuck in bed sleeping and crying and I’m up and watching some TV trying to figure out something to do with my day.

Can’t wait until we get into the house and I have access to all my stuff. Finding things to do will be easier then.

One more night and day to go to snuggles.. whew..