I need to get out of here. I don’t need to leave for more than a few days but I need a change.
Today’s accomplishments were cleaning up the floors, and doing a couple of loads of laundry and actually putting it away. Maybe tomorrow I’ll do some more and finally get caught up. I’m still finding it hard to get motivated. I feel like a Emo kid. Sigh I don’t want to do anything but maybe if I start something, than I’m all like what the fuck did I get myself into and that’s how I get anything done at all. Which I really haven’t much, which is why I haven’t posted.
Only reason I am posting today is I’m stoned and accidentally went to my blog page. Then I had to write. I mean I do want to write more don’t get me wrong, again it’s that lack of motivation thing happening. I wish I could force myself to sleep just whenever and than I would have a way to pass time.
Even looking for a way to finish this is exhausting.
So far it hasn’t been so bad, tonight when I go to bed alone will really give me the feeling of aloneness.
My MIL came and brought dinner and is staying the night, she is so awesome to be spending the nights with me hubby is gone. It’s scary here alone.
I’ve kept myself in a general state of numbness all day and plan to mix and repeat again tomorrow. I’ll get through this one day at a time.
I’m an adult and can handle this. Wish I felt more like an adult.
Today I feel like basically just chillin’ not having to entertain any one or any dog. Just kind of want to sit in my own head and listen to dance music. You know kind of be one with my aloneness.
Normally I crave so much attention and honestly rarely ask for the amounts I truly want. I’m sure hubby wouldn’t mind but he needs his own space as well. He likes to play games that basically take a lot of focus. Something I don’t have, ha!
So we’ll do our own thing and hug once in a while in the middle and it’s really nice.
I’ve been really self involved these last few months. I haven’t posted at all and have been depressed a great deal. My BFF’s Birthday would be in 3 days and I spent hours going over her facebook today. I miss her. I miss my monkey, she was such a wonderful lovable spirited little pain in the ass.
Some things have been going good. I am spending a lot of time with my sister in law. It feel really good to have a sister so close to me. We hang out once a week. Actually I have a dinner with my mom-in-law and sister-in-law. Me and Kate usually end up hanging though. It’s always a lot of fun. Plus there is usually wine! lol.
I kind of feel like I am experiencing normalness and not hating it for a change. I just want some stability.
At around 3:30am Saturday morning my best friend lost her fight with cancer. It doesn’t feel real and when it does all I can do is cry. My head just keeps popping to things I would talk to her about and I know I won’t be able to ever again. Ever. Like that’s it, shows over. I will be alone.
I know that seems like a weird thing to say because I have a wonderful husband but she is the one that kept my shit on track and I never got mad at her once for saying how she really felt I was being, feeling, doing etc.
I now have 0 friends.
It hurts so much I can’t even describe it. Feels like someone is tearing at my soul. That’s the best I can do to try to explain.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do now.
Yesterday I decided to play an online roleplaying game. I didn’t know anyone but was happy to wander around by myself exploring and killing things. You know relaxing.
There was a person who offered to friend me so I decided what the hell sure. Got to start somewhere.
At first they were really nice. Made me some armor, power leveled me. Kept encouraging me. Invited me to join their guild so I would have comrades.
Turns out it was just a skeevy male looking to get his cyber on with some poor unsuspecting woman. Sadly I just logged out after that. It made it hard for me to play and I didn’t feel like having a conversation about it.
Reminds me of the old days where men were mostly out to get some cyber, luckily one of those men introduced me to my husband who showed me they weren’t all bad. It makes me lose hope in making online friends though.
My mood has been middle of the road, today it is kind of meh. I am hoping it will get better. It’s cloudy and cool outside. I don’t feel much like doing anything but I am trying to do things regardless of how I am feeling about doing stuff at the moment.
Trying to stay motivated and not crawl back into bed.
Today was not a bad day. My mood was a little better and I managed to get quite a bit accomplished.
The house is starting to look like a house. There are some pictures on the walls and shelves getting filled. I can’t wait for Saturday when we get the last of the shelves and bedroom furniture. Tuesday the appliances come and I’ll be able to get the rest of the clothing washed and put away and maybe then I can get on to cleaning the floor. it’s so dusty.
At least I am feeling motivated. Time for sleep now though. Hubby goes back to work tomorrow so it will be my first real day here alone. That will take some getting used to. I think I can do it though.
Being alone really doesn’t give me a true gauge of my feelings. Being alone makes me feel sad. Being alone doesn’t allow me to talk to anyone.
I’m on day two of the pristiq I am still depressed as far as I can tell. I don’t expect anything to happen yet. I don’t think it is making things worse.
My psychiatrist says I am very sensitive to medications so usually if something bad is going to happen then it will happen rather quickly. The good also usually happens sooner rather then later as well. This is both a pain and a good thing I suppose.
Tonight I am alone longer then usual as hubby had to go to a work dinner. It seems we are spending less and less time together these days. It makes me sad and it makes me worry. He isn’t treating me any differently but I can’t help that my mind always looks for the worse in everything. I’m very black and white..
hopefully it is just the depression and it will pass. Fingers crossed for the pristiq.
I started my new med and I am in a little better mood today. I don’t think that one has to do anything with the other but I at least feel ok after taking the pills, not having too many adverse side-effects.
I’m starting to get a little antsy about being alone here. I want to be able to get out but hubby is working late today and I am not going to be able to get out today. In fact it looks like I won’t get out of here until Friday.
They apparently put the carpet in so they really only have the finishings to do in the house, 15 days until move in.
Least I get to go shopping for appliances this week, I do like shopping, it always gives me a wonderful high. It’s a trigger for hypo-mania. I don’t mind that at all.
Yesterday turned out pretty good. I got to visit with my BFF and hug her. It felt so good to finally be so close to her. We talked for a couple hours and it felt so natural. I am not sure what I was so nervous about.
The rest of the time was pretty boring. Like today has been so fucking. I am not experiencing much difference than when I am in Omaha. Except I keep getting little jolts of anxiety and I’m kind of dreading the drive home. I still have a whole other day of this. I wish I was brave enough to go out by myself.
Being stuck in a hotel room for three days is not something I think I will do again. The next time hubby has a trip I think I’ll just stay home and be bored there. Sure I won’t get to sleep with him but I will feel more comfortable.
I have this feeling that something bad will happen constantly popping into my head. It’s so annoying. Hubby still won’t be back for another 3 hours. Plus I’ve been waking up earlier then I do at home which is making the day even longer.
If anyone has any suggestions of what a person stuck in a hotel room can do with herself, I’ll gladly take it into consideration, cause this just blows… Maybe I’ll get hubby to take me out tonight to at least get some fresh air.