At around 3:30am Saturday morning my best friend lost her fight with cancer. It doesn’t feel real and when it does all I can do is cry. My head just keeps popping to things I would talk to her about and I know I won’t be able to ever again. Ever. Like that’s it, shows over. I will be alone.
I know that seems like a weird thing to say because I have a wonderful husband but she is the one that kept my shit on track and I never got mad at her once for saying how she really felt I was being, feeling, doing etc.
I now have 0 friends.
It hurts so much I can’t even describe it. Feels like someone is tearing at my soul. That’s the best I can do to try to explain.
I don’t know what I am supposed to do now.
The house smells like Christmas, the lights have gone up and the tree is standing. MIL is cooking a spiral ham and it just has a nice warm feel to it. I’m surprised usually anything christmasy makes me a little sad to downright depressed.
It seems I might have come out of my depressive state. (I hate saying it cause I feel like it jinx’s me) Hubby and I went to the house and took our dogs. We let them off leash and they ran around enjoying having so much space to run in. It was absolutely adorable.
I did wake up grumpy this morning, but that seems to be my usual waking state. I’m not a morning person. By the time I fully open my eyes a gazillion thoughts have ran through my head and it usually just makes me want to stay in bed. It’s those whatif’s and oh gods..
I seriously thought this morning I couldn’t go through another day like every other day, yet my mood picked up and it has been fairly happy. *shrug* I don’t get why my brain thinks that way it does, I just know that it is my worst enemy and I need to fight it every day. Today I won. Yesterday I won. I wonder how tomorrow will go….
Today has been really hard and I have to admit I’ve been dipping into my anti anxiety meds to function.
My wonderful husband gave me a back rub and watched tv with me in the bedroom. He’s being very supportive. Yet he still said something that made me want to slap him hard.
Stop being stressed. Seriously stop being stressed? Omg is it really that easy. Here I go … Fuck you.
I just evil- eyed him and said seriously? I wouldn’t be stressed if I could just stop.
I’m fighting not going to to the closet and curling up in fetal position. I don’t even know why I am so stressed. I’ve driven across country before. I’ve lived in Omaha before.
It’s actually a really great thing that is happening but I am still freaking out.
I hate my brain pretty much every day.
I woke up and knew it. I was miserable. It’s like the sun was plucked from the sky and my life was over. I told myself several times to not consider suicide. Just make it until we get a new home, it’ll get better.
It kept me going throughout the day. I managed to go out to Malibu and spend some time feeding ducks and looking over some wetlands. I felt sick and I felt tired. Not like go home and have a nap tired, but just lay down and go to sleep right there. I of course didn’t but man it was so tempting thinking about just closing my eyes forever.
I’m not suicidal. I’m not making any plans to off myself. I just sometimes want to give up. Hands in the air screaming “Fuck it brain you win!!” I’m not going to through.
As always with depression my paranoia is getting worse. I have to keep telling myself that I am making mountains out of molehills and nothing I would even think is unacceptable is going on. I really hate my brain.
I drew this drawing and posted it for my BFF last week, I have to remind myself it’s true as well.
Gotta fight, just have to keep going. I have to. Making dreams come true if you are there to see them happen. Things are good in life. It’s just the damn brain and I will not give in to this mental illness. Today anyhow. 1 day at a time.
I am tired, I managed to dose off about 3 times today only to be awoken rudely by the phone, pissed me off, but I went out played the slots and went to my mom in laws wedding, It made hubby and me decide that in 3 years we will do a re-commitment ceremony where I will wear an actual wedding dress and have the people I love there.. It was fun dressing up tonight for the wedding. I had to take a cab though which I didn’t like at all! However I am finding that if I just push myself I can do a lot of things, I am so tired though and my hands are shaking I am not sure if it is because of the lithium or the fact that I forgot my lamictal, but at least that is over with, the withdrawal isn’t too too bad I suppose. I cant wait to get home and really really write a blog, this laptop is uncomfortable and awkward… I cant wait to see my puppies, I miss then so much. Vegas would be more fun if we were able to go to shows, maybe next time. I went out of the room myself for about 30 mins while hubby still slept and won 60 bucks on the slots.. so it was a win win.. hehe