dreams

I Find Myself At The Computer

I’m just sitting here listening to music, you know making myself feel good. Ya good. Isn’t that something? I even had a good dream last night and I never get those!

Maybe these meds are making more of a difference than I thought. Well it’s hard to tell from having one good day. I’m putting the eggs before the chicken but it will hopefully turn out to be a full day.

So I figured why not come on and post. I need to get my post count up it’s been appalling of late and hopefully it will make someone else feel good or hopeful. Who knows right? I don’t know what you who read my blog really get from it but I’m glad you read it.

For those curious about if I’ve given up the weed, I haven’t but it isn’t affecting anything that I see at present anyhow.

 

I Should Be Counting

I should be counting he days that I am miserable. I know I had a good day or two but mostly they have all been depressive.

My husband wants me to try this herbal supplement that helps with depression. I mean I tried ETC so why wouldn’t I try some herbal shit right? Might as well try them all.

I did accomplish something today though and that was making dinner. Not a huge accomplishment but one none-the-less.

I have been reading and just trying not to go back to bed and dream. I love dreaming, good things happen there and weird things and even bad things but none of them feel as bad as I do when I’m awake.

I’m really tired of this shit.

Perfect

I have a perfect husband with a perfect house and perfect pets. I never want for anything. Yet dragging my ass out of bed when I wake up is super hard. Trying to get motivated to do anything is impossible and I cry at the drop of a hat. There’s no reason I shouldn’t be happy, but I’m so the opposite of happy it isn’t even funny. I hate depression. I dream of a day of happiness again.

 

Dreams

I think I’ve probably said multiple times how I just love to dream. They are always so vivid and realistic. I have such a hard time getting up in the morning because I enjoy them so much. I can continue a dream where it left off so if I have to wake up in the middle of the night I just go back to it. Apparently not everyone can do this, so it makes me glad.

My mood yesterday was down right bitchy. My dog Charlie is being a particularly picky eater right now but the dogs have to be on the food they are on because of Ren’s pancreatis. (not sure how it’s spelt). So anyhow the little bugger will starve himself until he feels sick then throws up. I don’t know what to do about it. I might have to feed them separately. As it is, I have to sit on the floor with them to make sure Charlie does eat when he will. I would have to do it even more to keep Ren out of his food. *sigh*

I didn’t go to my shrinks yesterday because of the bad mood and some tummy issues. I hate having to change it, but what are you supposed to do when you need to stay close to the washroom? Bah.

A FitBit Day

Today I decided to get a fitbit. It’s a little pedometer that does a few other things I havent figured it out.

I’ve decided that I am going to start working on getting in shape. I was going to wait until we moved into our home late Feb early March and I was using that as an excuse to keep eating crap all the time and drinking tons of soda and not bothering to exercise.

That’s about to change. That walk we took through the woods showed me that life could really be different if I was healthier. Not only would I be able to do more things but I would feel better about myself.

So the first thing I am going to do is stop drinking soda and caffeine. I am gonna try and walk each day too, even if it is just circling to house, or doing one of those 15 minute miles. It’s time for this woman to change. I can always keep dreaming or I can make those dreams come true. Only I can make it happen. Time for that to start.

Home Pieces

Today was eventful. I woke up at 6:00am for some freeking reason and needless to say I was stressed. One of my dogs threw up like a ton of food which made me gag the entire time cleaning up and then I went back to bed after doing some other cleaning around here.

When I went to sleep I had nightmares about someone who really abused me in many ways for many years, when I dream of him I usually am super stressed. I think everyone has one of those dreams ya know? It did help me figure out a lot of stuff.

I realized that while I am stressed about good stuff, I am also stressed about bad stuff. My BFF is ill. my daughter is practically living on the streets and jobless and my sister in law is going through a divorce. I’m not sure I’m coming to terms with everything but realizing they are there helps I suppose.

I nt to the therapist and shrinks and had a good session, found out that my paper work is getting sent out to the ECT place the beginning of next week, which is awesome! I also picked out all the stuff for my house, even the grout, seriously never even thought about that before.

Tonight something weird happened. I was doing something and all of a sudden my left nipple started hurting, like it’s still aching. I haven’t had a mammogram in three years so I suppose it is time for me to go and get it done. I will need to get a cab, I have no one to take me to these damn appts.

I’m not gonna stress it is likely nothing, right? I’m not really asking but I will work it out. Anyhow, ya.

A Dream Comes True?

Tomorrow at ton in the morning we have a meeting with the contract woman about getting our home built and buying the lots. I dunno what’s going to happen at it I do know that it is going to be stressful though.

I would think that a good thing wouldn’t cause me anxiety but really everything does. I started to take my beta blocker tonight, didn’t really get to test it out though. I’ll take one with my clonezapem in the morning and see if it helps take the edge off.

I’ve read a lot of really good things about beta blockers and social anxiety I hope that it works well for me. I’d like to get back to working outside of the house eventually.

Today was uneventful really, I just won’t the whole day hunkered down on the couch watching a big brother marathon to get caught up. I thought I was lonely but it wasn’t too bad.

I Feel On Edge

I’ve spent the last couple/few nights drunk but I know I can’t do that for the next six months. There is some stress. Even my husband is feeling it.

We took the in-laws out to see the house we are planning to have build and also had a look at a possible plot we can build on. Tomorrow hubby is calling the lender to see about mortgage pre-approval. The sooner we know how much we are approved for the sooner we can set up the appt to get the house built and decide whT bells and whistles we want.

Honestly I am in love with the build so much. My very own art room close to where my husband would spend time on his computer or just chilling at the television. It’s a dream come true.

Today I already thought about baking thank you cupcakes after the house is built, now I just need to show some patience. That’s always the hard part isn’t it. I made it through the 6 months it took to get to Omaha, l think I will be able to get through the @6ish months it takes to build a house 😀

Plus I will have that once a week moving forward so I will be able to get rid of a lot of stress.

Fucking Depression

I woke up and knew it. I was miserable. It’s like the sun was plucked from the sky and my life was over. I told myself several times to not consider suicide. Just make it until we get a new home, it’ll get better.

It kept me going throughout the day. I managed to go out to Malibu and spend some time feeding ducks and looking over some wetlands. I felt sick and I felt tired. Not like go home and have a nap tired, but just lay down and go to sleep right there. I of course didn’t but man it was so tempting thinking about just closing my eyes forever.

I’m not suicidal. I’m not making any plans to off myself. I just sometimes want to give up. Hands in the air screaming “Fuck it brain you win!!” I’m not going to through.

As always with depression my paranoia is getting worse. I have to keep telling myself that I am making mountains out of molehills and nothing I would even think is unacceptable is going on. I really hate my brain.

I drew this drawing and posted it for my BFF last week, I have to remind myself it’s true as well.

fight1

Gotta fight, just have to keep going. I have to. Making dreams come true if you are there to see them happen. Things are good in life. It’s just the damn brain and I will not give in to this mental illness. Today anyhow. 1 day at a time.

Water From The Heavens

This morning I woke up and started to go into my bathroom. I was groggy and kind of stumbling 4 hours of sleep will do that to you.

I walk in the door and feel little droplets of water hit my face. Looking up I see that water is literally pouring from the fan. The floor is soaked, the counter is soaked. luckily we left our towels on the floor or it would have came out in the hall. 1 point for slobbery.

I panicked. I hate people in the apartment when my husband isn’t home. I start putting clothes on, trying to figure out what I am most comfortable in and then I call downstairs. The woman answering the phone sounded shocked and stunned. Seriously bitch please.. She calls maintenance and sends them down. I’m like great I finally did something on my own all adult like.

They knock at the door and swallowing I huge lump in my throat I answer and lead them to the washroom explaining what had happened. They explain to me that there is a leak on the top floor they are trying to find but they will gladly clean the bathroom. That is four floors of leaking down to our apartment.  That’s when I notice the dude had nothing but Windex and paper towels..  I hate this place.. This just makes it even more obvious.

I called my husband to make sure I was awake, cause sometimes my dreams are way to realistic and he said this to me after I told him about it. “The windows are fine, it’s the lake in the bathroom that’s the problem”.

Wish I had thought of it too damn sleepy though.

It did make me conquer something though and when I am depressed any accomplishment puts a bit of pep in my step.